Every week I have a new ambition, Every week my new ambition gets shot down by Saeed. Usually because "You don't know how to fly a plane" or "You couldn't even stick college let alone live on an ocean liner". Anyway, I think I'd be awesome at certain jobs and here's why:
Ice Road Trucker
Now despite the fact I can't drive, have no idea how trucks work, am terrible on ice and have a terrible sense of direction., I would be awesome at this job, why you may ask? The attitude friends, I got the Ice Road Trucker attitude, I'm daring, can sit down for a long time and can do CB Radio talk. Also, I'm used to eating things from packets exclusivly, my body was built for being an Ice Road Trucker, fat enough to stay warm and short enough to fit comfortably in the cab.
Private Investigator
Saeed has a few reasons for why I shouldn't do this, Mainly that I'm very clumsy, I stumble and fall pretty much everywhere I go. I can't go 5 minutes without smoking and coughing and I can't drive. However I think I'd be awesome for these reasons: I own a Trenchcoat, Due to all my years of reading Batman I have keen detective skills, I look great in a fedora and I call women dames, broads and skirts.
Prime Minister
Granted I have no idea I have no idea how politics work but I would fucking rock as PM. Wearing suits all the time, always having a big chair to sit in, ordering people about and prank calling Ken Livingstone with Boris Johnson. Apparantly there's actually some work involved and you have to be voted in or smething which means people will have to like me first, that's...to much effort.
Adventurer
I've seen all the Indiana Jones films, Look great in a half buttoned shirt and have experience fighting Nazi's and Museum curators. Saeed don't think I could do this because I get sleepy in hot weather and sleep until 4PM. He's totally wrong though right? I got mean stubble.
I'm gonna figure out how to do polls, then I'll be back.
Stay Gold.
Monday, 9 February 2009
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Metal Gear Solid: The Musical
A few weeks ago my friend Saeed posted a synopsis for a Large Hadron Collider movie. So I thought instead of a normal blog I could show of some creative flair.
In a drunken state a while ago I came up with the concept of Metal Gear Solid: The musical. That night I churned out a verse like it was a well known drinking song. I can't remember the exact lyrics today but they were along the lines of this.
Allow me to set the scene: Our hero Snake and his female ally Meryl have just made it to a long corridor, upon reaching the end they'll get to their destination, they'll be able to destroy the dreaded walking tank 'Metal Gear', All of a sudden out of nowhere Meryl is shot, as it turns out, one of the best snipers in the world is at the other end of the Corridor, Snake need a Sniper rifle, so he calls his contact Otacon.
RING RING. RING RING.
OTACON: Snake?
(This part is sung)
SNAKE: Meryl's been shot, I need a new gun.
OTACON: I think I remember seeing a PSG1.
SNAKE: That'll be perfect, It'll save the day.
OTACON: You're not gonna like what I have to say.
SNAKE: She's dying here, Hurry spit it out.
OTACON: You'll be angry, without a doubt.
SNAKE: I'm angry now, where is it just say!
OTACON: It's back in (Pause) Warehouse A...
That's all I can do for now, I hope that wet your appetite, more shall follow at some point.
In a drunken state a while ago I came up with the concept of Metal Gear Solid: The musical. That night I churned out a verse like it was a well known drinking song. I can't remember the exact lyrics today but they were along the lines of this.
Allow me to set the scene: Our hero Snake and his female ally Meryl have just made it to a long corridor, upon reaching the end they'll get to their destination, they'll be able to destroy the dreaded walking tank 'Metal Gear', All of a sudden out of nowhere Meryl is shot, as it turns out, one of the best snipers in the world is at the other end of the Corridor, Snake need a Sniper rifle, so he calls his contact Otacon.
RING RING. RING RING.
OTACON: Snake?
(This part is sung)
SNAKE: Meryl's been shot, I need a new gun.
OTACON: I think I remember seeing a PSG1.
SNAKE: That'll be perfect, It'll save the day.
OTACON: You're not gonna like what I have to say.
SNAKE: She's dying here, Hurry spit it out.
OTACON: You'll be angry, without a doubt.
SNAKE: I'm angry now, where is it just say!
OTACON: It's back in (Pause) Warehouse A...
That's all I can do for now, I hope that wet your appetite, more shall follow at some point.
Monday, 17 November 2008
Subbuteo
The other day while having a heated discussion with my Mum told me that working in pubs isn't apparently good enough and I should get a 'mans job'. She gives me alot of hassle my mum, I don't know why, I'm pretty sure out of her 4 children I'm the most productive. Anyway, so when I asked her the definition of a 'mans job' she said 5 days a week, 9 to 5 in a factory or something.
She then asked me what my goal was, Pfft, I don't have any goals, as far as I'm concerned as long as I got something to smoke, a place to rest my eyes and a floor to dance on i'm happy. But apparently I should have goals like on the back of a school report.
When I left the house I started thinking about what she said, maybe I should have goals, when I was young I wanted to be an actor, It wasn't an ambition but it was something I'd like to of done. I kinda grew out of that, but still like acting when someone has a film to make or something. In the last year or so I realized I enjoy writing, REALLY enjoy it, but the chances of making a career out of it are slim to nothing, it's still nice to do though.
The last 2 years I've worked in pubs, I used to enjoy it, working at night, getting drinks bought for me etc. But it's kinda a drag, most people who've worked in pubs will tell you its the one of the most thankless jobs you can do. Then there's the hours, at a time when working at night was appealing because I had prior day engagements such as college or sleeping, working nights is just a fucking hassle, you don't leave till the arse hours of the night, night buses are shit, drunk people shout at you and it's to late to cook anything when you get home.
Getting a 9 to 5 seems pretty appealing to be honest. I dunno doing what, Probably not an office, sitting in an office for 8 hours in front of a screen not being able to check Facebook isn't really suited for me, plus I don't understand excel and my PowerPoint skills are only sub-par.
I think my mum mighta been right, I think a factory would suit me, I'm not really fussy what kind so long as the wage is decent and I get smoke breaks, plus earning full time wage might have it's advantages, I'd be able to move out! Then she can't be right about me having goals or anything.
Of course, I'm not going to tell her she was right, what kind of irresponsible son would I be?
Stay gold.
She then asked me what my goal was, Pfft, I don't have any goals, as far as I'm concerned as long as I got something to smoke, a place to rest my eyes and a floor to dance on i'm happy. But apparently I should have goals like on the back of a school report.
When I left the house I started thinking about what she said, maybe I should have goals, when I was young I wanted to be an actor, It wasn't an ambition but it was something I'd like to of done. I kinda grew out of that, but still like acting when someone has a film to make or something. In the last year or so I realized I enjoy writing, REALLY enjoy it, but the chances of making a career out of it are slim to nothing, it's still nice to do though.
The last 2 years I've worked in pubs, I used to enjoy it, working at night, getting drinks bought for me etc. But it's kinda a drag, most people who've worked in pubs will tell you its the one of the most thankless jobs you can do. Then there's the hours, at a time when working at night was appealing because I had prior day engagements such as college or sleeping, working nights is just a fucking hassle, you don't leave till the arse hours of the night, night buses are shit, drunk people shout at you and it's to late to cook anything when you get home.
Getting a 9 to 5 seems pretty appealing to be honest. I dunno doing what, Probably not an office, sitting in an office for 8 hours in front of a screen not being able to check Facebook isn't really suited for me, plus I don't understand excel and my PowerPoint skills are only sub-par.
I think my mum mighta been right, I think a factory would suit me, I'm not really fussy what kind so long as the wage is decent and I get smoke breaks, plus earning full time wage might have it's advantages, I'd be able to move out! Then she can't be right about me having goals or anything.
Of course, I'm not going to tell her she was right, what kind of irresponsible son would I be?
Stay gold.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Halloween
Anyone that knows me knows I love Halloween, I think it's because I get to dress up like a superhero and get really drunk with a reason. This year the venue was supposed to be Shunt, a club in the old London Bridge tunnel system. so we suited up, I was dressed as Hellboy (Which was rather impressive I might add) and we jumped on the tube.
When we got to London Bridge the queue for Shunt was fucking massive. So we joined the back of the line and waited, the queue was so big a bouncer was coming through the crowd picking out people not dressed up enough (HA, I was dressed far to awesome). Eventually we were told we wouldn't be getting in due to it being fucking packed.
After standing round the station for half an hour or so we decided to make a move, now, the original line up was me, Saeed, Sam, Matt and Joel. Dressed as Hellboy, A Warrior, Saeed, Dr. Horrible and Dracula respectively. Matt and Joel told us of a party we could head too but we didn't wanna go to a house party, so they went.
Don't get me wrong, as far as bro's go, we're inseparable. But we were just hedging our bets, So Matt and Joel went to the party and we arranged to meet up if something really cool happens.
Then there were 3.
We met up with 2 of Saeeds lady's friends (I feel bad I can't remember their names now, Hang on, they won't read this so, fuck it) and decided to go to the bar near Saeed's house. We got there and it was relatively quiet so we found ourselves a spot for the night and chilled.
After...several Scotch and cokes later I realized a few things,
1. The black community love me (Or, maybe Hellboy)
2. Saying daddy's home to women isn't an effective pick up line (But it's funny)
3. Covering my hand in red face paint and going for a piss straight after may not of been wise, but made my costume that much more Realistic.
4. Accusing your friends of replacing much loved Scotch with Diet Coke will not get them to buy you more Scotch, even if you think they did.
It was a pretty awesome night, on the way back we went to some place that do Kebab things, which, I essentially turned into a chicken Sandwich. The worst thing in the world though, is showering when you're a wee bit drunk, it's like an instant fucking hangover I wouldn't recommend it.
Well readers, that's enough of an insight into my life for now, I#m gonna go watch Ghost.
Stay Gold.
When we got to London Bridge the queue for Shunt was fucking massive. So we joined the back of the line and waited, the queue was so big a bouncer was coming through the crowd picking out people not dressed up enough (HA, I was dressed far to awesome). Eventually we were told we wouldn't be getting in due to it being fucking packed.
After standing round the station for half an hour or so we decided to make a move, now, the original line up was me, Saeed, Sam, Matt and Joel. Dressed as Hellboy, A Warrior, Saeed, Dr. Horrible and Dracula respectively. Matt and Joel told us of a party we could head too but we didn't wanna go to a house party, so they went.
Don't get me wrong, as far as bro's go, we're inseparable. But we were just hedging our bets, So Matt and Joel went to the party and we arranged to meet up if something really cool happens.
Then there were 3.
We met up with 2 of Saeeds lady's friends (I feel bad I can't remember their names now, Hang on, they won't read this so, fuck it) and decided to go to the bar near Saeed's house. We got there and it was relatively quiet so we found ourselves a spot for the night and chilled.
After...several Scotch and cokes later I realized a few things,
1. The black community love me (Or, maybe Hellboy)
2. Saying daddy's home to women isn't an effective pick up line (But it's funny)
3. Covering my hand in red face paint and going for a piss straight after may not of been wise, but made my costume that much more Realistic.
4. Accusing your friends of replacing much loved Scotch with Diet Coke will not get them to buy you more Scotch, even if you think they did.
It was a pretty awesome night, on the way back we went to some place that do Kebab things, which, I essentially turned into a chicken Sandwich. The worst thing in the world though, is showering when you're a wee bit drunk, it's like an instant fucking hangover I wouldn't recommend it.
Well readers, that's enough of an insight into my life for now, I#m gonna go watch Ghost.
Stay Gold.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Jack Sparling: Road Warrior.
Yesterday I had an experience which will stay with me forever. I was a White Van man for the day, I was helping my friend Dave with his delivery load. Which means I got to shout such things as "Choose a fucking lane!" and "Fucking honk your horn again you cunt!"
It was brilliant, did you know North of North London there's little village towns? Well, I was amazed anyway.
It was pretty easy, Dave did all the driving and I just got out and brought boxes to restaurants, and blagged free cokes. It was nice though, I wouldn't mind doing it as a job, I think I'm gonna start learning to drive soon and be some sort of courier or delivery person for a while and see how I like it, then marry Leah Remini.
I've wanted a 9 to 5 for a while now, no more pubs for me, the main problem is finding a job I enjoy, I've had a lot of jobs, well about 8 to be specific, but out of all of them I only ever enjoyed 1 of them, which was in a DVD shop. I didn't do much I just stood around on the shop floor and told people what to buy.
The quest goes on,
I realize this post is a bit lazily written and not very good so...
Hear about that bloke in the Paralympics who got disqualified?
He was using WD40.
It was brilliant, did you know North of North London there's little village towns? Well, I was amazed anyway.
It was pretty easy, Dave did all the driving and I just got out and brought boxes to restaurants, and blagged free cokes. It was nice though, I wouldn't mind doing it as a job, I think I'm gonna start learning to drive soon and be some sort of courier or delivery person for a while and see how I like it, then marry Leah Remini.
I've wanted a 9 to 5 for a while now, no more pubs for me, the main problem is finding a job I enjoy, I've had a lot of jobs, well about 8 to be specific, but out of all of them I only ever enjoyed 1 of them, which was in a DVD shop. I didn't do much I just stood around on the shop floor and told people what to buy.
The quest goes on,
I realize this post is a bit lazily written and not very good so...
Hear about that bloke in the Paralympics who got disqualified?
He was using WD40.
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Sleep is not a friend of mine.
God, I have such problems sleeping, Now, I can nap like a motherfucker, but sleep is different, and for those who don't know the difference here's a quick guide.
- Naps don't take place in a bed, they take place on a sofa or comfy chair for example.
- Naps last 4 hours max, otherwise it's sleep, unless you're on a plane.
- Napping with a guy is perfectly acceptable.
- Powernaps must not take place anywhere but an office
So yeah, sleep, I never really got on with it, I can't sleep properly, I must of missed a jab at school or something. You see when I wanna sleep because say, I got something to do the next day, I can't. Not because I have something to do and I'm nervous, I think it's just my body wants revenge on all the manwiches and cigarettes.
And when I eventually drift off? No good, I'm awake an hour or two later because of what are called night terrors, Laugh away but put yourself in my shoes, Think if you will on your worst nightmare, it's like that on a shit load of acid.
Not sleeping does have its advantages though, and I've learnt alot about myself from it, I learnt that I love watching baseball. Also my room gets tidy, my washing get's done and my dog gets played with (Not an innuendo). I'm not an insomniac though, like every 3rd blogger claims to be, I do get to sleep but just a irrelevant times. say, I got to sleep at 7:30AM. at 8:15 you know my dad's coming through that door because he has to much time on his hands. So I'm awake all day, maybe take a nap around 4, which means I'll be up all night. Once or twice a week though a thing of beauty happens, I have a "Catch up sleep", where basically, I sleep most of the day, great isn't it.
And another thing, I miss being able to take naps without getting the shit kicked outta you verbally, I used to come home from school, kick of my shoes put Mona the Vampire on and nap for about 3 hours, I do that now and my mum comes in the room and gives me shit about doing nothing with myself blah blah blah, I was doing something with myself... having a nap.
In other news my birthday was awesome, I gotta give it to my bro's and Ho's they know how to treat me, They gave me a suprise birthday party two weeks beforehand, which was great and had never happened before. Then on the actual day (That's the 30th of August yall, mark your calendars) we went out and was generally awesome.
Well that's all for now.
Good night and good luck.
Saturday, 9 August 2008
Awesome stuff happening.
Part 1, Filming.
I can't talk to much about what we're filming, but it's awesome. I can say it's called 'Jak in the Box' and it's gonna be awesome, While filming I had to make a rather large Sandwich, or as I like to call it, The Manwich.
Part 2, The Manwich.
The Manwich was amazing, I cooked 3 burgers, then I sliced them. I then toasted 4 clices of bread and microwaved some beans. I stacked it like so:
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
I didn't wanna make this but it was for the film, But that doesn't stop it from being hella balls-to-the-wall tasty.
Part 3. Drinking with Clint.
Yesterday I was suited up and looking REAL sharp, Black Suit, White Shirt, Black slim tie. When Clint say's you look good, you look good, Clint hates to compliment anyone. So we were bored and Clint wanted to head to a bar, So we headed to Wimbledon looking sharp. It was a good night, there was drink's, flirting and Burger King.
Part 4. Antics at Clint's.
We headed back to Clint's and his parents were home from having a bit of a session themselves. James insisted that we do Break Break Dancing. Now Break Break Dancing (Or BBD) involves putting your shoes on the wrong feet and a boxing glove on the wrong hand. Oh, did I mention that you have to break dance while you hit eachother? So the night went on and Clint was Fighting his 11 year old brother when he broke his wrist again. He won't live that one down in a while.
Clint went to the hospital this morning and he's gonna need a cast (Again).
So that was some stuff that happened recently. Hope you enjoyed, I know I did.
P.S. Pictures of the Manwich will be along soon.
I can't talk to much about what we're filming, but it's awesome. I can say it's called 'Jak in the Box' and it's gonna be awesome, While filming I had to make a rather large Sandwich, or as I like to call it, The Manwich.
Part 2, The Manwich.
The Manwich was amazing, I cooked 3 burgers, then I sliced them. I then toasted 4 clices of bread and microwaved some beans. I stacked it like so:
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
I didn't wanna make this but it was for the film, But that doesn't stop it from being hella balls-to-the-wall tasty.
Part 3. Drinking with Clint.
Yesterday I was suited up and looking REAL sharp, Black Suit, White Shirt, Black slim tie. When Clint say's you look good, you look good, Clint hates to compliment anyone. So we were bored and Clint wanted to head to a bar, So we headed to Wimbledon looking sharp. It was a good night, there was drink's, flirting and Burger King.
Part 4. Antics at Clint's.
We headed back to Clint's and his parents were home from having a bit of a session themselves. James insisted that we do Break Break Dancing. Now Break Break Dancing (Or BBD) involves putting your shoes on the wrong feet and a boxing glove on the wrong hand. Oh, did I mention that you have to break dance while you hit eachother? So the night went on and Clint was Fighting his 11 year old brother when he broke his wrist again. He won't live that one down in a while.
Clint went to the hospital this morning and he's gonna need a cast (Again).
So that was some stuff that happened recently. Hope you enjoyed, I know I did.
P.S. Pictures of the Manwich will be along soon.
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