Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Things I should be and why I'd be awesome at them no matter what Saeed says.

Every week I have a new ambition, Every week my new ambition gets shot down by Saeed. Usually because "You don't know how to fly a plane" or "You couldn't even stick college let alone live on an ocean liner". Anyway, I think I'd be awesome at certain jobs and here's why:

Ice Road Trucker

Now despite the fact I can't drive, have no idea how trucks work, am terrible on ice and have a terrible sense of direction., I would be awesome at this job, why you may ask? The attitude friends, I got the Ice Road Trucker attitude, I'm daring, can sit down for a long time and can do CB Radio talk. Also, I'm used to eating things from packets exclusivly, my body was built for being an Ice Road Trucker, fat enough to stay warm and short enough to fit comfortably in the cab.

Private Investigator

Saeed has a few reasons for why I shouldn't do this, Mainly that I'm very clumsy, I stumble and fall pretty much everywhere I go. I can't go 5 minutes without smoking and coughing and I can't drive. However I think I'd be awesome for these reasons: I own a Trenchcoat, Due to all my years of reading Batman I have keen detective skills, I look great in a fedora and I call women dames, broads and skirts.

Prime Minister

Granted I have no idea I have no idea how politics work but I would fucking rock as PM. Wearing suits all the time, always having a big chair to sit in, ordering people about and prank calling Ken Livingstone with Boris Johnson. Apparantly there's actually some work involved and you have to be voted in or smething which means people will have to like me first, that's...to much effort.


I've seen all the Indiana Jones films, Look great in a half buttoned shirt and have experience fighting Nazi's and Museum curators. Saeed don't think I could do this because I get sleepy in hot weather and sleep until 4PM. He's totally wrong though right? I got mean stubble.

I'm gonna figure out how to do polls, then I'll be back.

Stay Gold.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Metal Gear Solid: The Musical Part 2

OK, here's the scene, Snake just met Revolver Ocelot, a spaghetti western obsessed, Single Action Army toting, sadistic psychopath. Upon meeting our hero he's overjoyed he'll be able to have a good gun fight.

Revolver Ocelot: Right. Touch that wire and the C4 will blow up along with the old man!


Revolver Ocelot: So you're the one the Boss keeps talking about.

Solid Snake: Really I'm flattered, without a doubt

RO: Let's see if you live up to your name

SS: If I couldn't I wouldn't of came.
Put the gun down you're a disgrace,

RO: Say that with a bullet to the face.
This is the greatest handgun ever made,

SS: It looks like it could use an upgrade.

RO: Six bullets Snake, more than enough to kill you.
SS: Take aim old man, let's see what you can do.

They begin a gunfight.

RO: I love to reload during a battle
SS: Try and shoot me don't dilly daddle

RO: I've got you now, the old man will die
SS: Is that a...Red eye?

*Enter Cyborg Ninja who promptly cut of Revolver Ocelot's hand*

SS: Who are you?

*Sung in an operatic style*

CN: I'm like you I have no naaaaaaaaaaame, Gyaaaaaaaaa!

*The Cyborg Ninja begins to malfunction and jumps away*

That's all for now, coming up: A DARPA chief rap and a Psycho Mantis Death Metal number.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Metal Gear Solid: The Musical

A few weeks ago my friend Saeed posted a synopsis for a Large Hadron Collider movie. So I thought instead of a normal blog I could show of some creative flair.

In a drunken state a while ago I came up with the concept of Metal Gear Solid: The musical. That night I churned out a verse like it was a well known drinking song. I can't remember the exact lyrics today but they were along the lines of this.

Allow me to set the scene: Our hero Snake and his female ally Meryl have just made it to a long corridor, upon reaching the end they'll get to their destination, they'll be able to destroy the dreaded walking tank 'Metal Gear', All of a sudden out of nowhere Meryl is shot, as it turns out, one of the best snipers in the world is at the other end of the Corridor, Snake need a Sniper rifle, so he calls his contact Otacon.


OTACON: Snake?

(This part is sung)

SNAKE: Meryl's been shot, I need a new gun.

OTACON: I think I remember seeing a PSG1.

SNAKE: That'll be perfect, It'll save the day.

OTACON: You're not gonna like what I have to say.

SNAKE: She's dying here, Hurry spit it out.

OTACON: You'll be angry, without a doubt.

SNAKE: I'm angry now, where is it just say!

OTACON: It's back in (Pause) Warehouse A...

That's all I can do for now, I hope that wet your appetite, more shall follow at some point.