Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Calling all Vets, Doctors, Scientists, the Japanese and Anne Rice

Due to my unemployment I've been wondering a few things, I've come to a few conclusions of my own which I'd like to share but I have a few that I need answers for, so great minds of the world unite, and read my blog.

1. If squids have 2 hearts, do they love Phil Collins twice as much?

I know 2 things in life, Phil Collins 'No Jacket required' is the most heartfelt beautiful album of all time. Secondly squids have 2 goddamn hearts. now by my logic, this means squids should fucking love Phil Collins (And Seal), now, I don't know any Squids personally, so any marine biologists reading, hit me up

Verdict: Undecided

2. Can vampires get erections?

Some bleed, some don't, now as far as I know, you need blood to maintain an erection, but I don't know if their blood runs or whatever, they're sometimes known as the living dead or the undead. however, I feel I've answered this question.

This is David, David was a vampire from the cult film 'The lost boys'. David was all about drinking, partying, fighting, riding his motorcycle really fast and taking you ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE.

This is Edward from the vampire love story Twilight, He's caring, compassionate, drives an extremely safe Volvo (With a seatbelt) and still goes to school.

Here's my theory, After years spent of not being able to get any action due to his 'undead condition' Edward has broadened his mind, reading poetry and books, playing the piano, general arty shit. Wheras David has not stopped partying, he doesn't need books or art to satisfy his needs. Look at the picture above. He gets ALL the action he needs.

So, verdict.
Sensitive vampires (True Blood, Twilight, Vampire diaries): No
Badass vampires (David, Lestat, Blade) Yes

3. Do the Japanese think the rest of the world is weird?

The Japanese indulge in every fantasy with pride

EVERY fantasy

Now the Japanese are public about their weird fetish's, should we look down on them with disgust or honour these brave pioneers? So my question is do they look at us as weirdos because we don't indulge in super hot face tying fetishes publicly? Will the future be like Japan where buying octopus porn can be bought without the off licence owner looking down at you?

Help me out here the wonderful Japanese public.

Verdict: Undecided

4. Do vets look down on Doctors because they only focus on one species?

I have no input on this one, help me out guys.

Verdict: Undecided

Well readers, I'd appreciate your input, drop me a line or leave a comment for answers.

Stay Gold.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Not economically viable.

So, I lost my job, which is rubbish, because I really enjoyed it. I've had a fair few jobs in my time (I think I was up to about 13 last time I counted) and out of them I've only ever enjoyed 2. A friend once compared me to Chinanski in Factotum, But that doesn't bother me because he's awesome.

So I thought in this blog I'd take you through some of my previous jobs.

Sportsworld (2005ish)
I was 16, handsome, just dropped out of college and needed money to fund my smoking habit. this was my first real job, and I had a laugh. I worked in the Golf section (A golf section in colliers wood...I didn't have to many customers). I used to sleep in the storeroom and practice putting all day. Occasionally a fried chicken eating contest would come up.

Silverscreen (late 2005ish)
One of the best jobs I ever had, It was a dvd shop in wimbledon. I was the youngest employee ever hired (At 17) and I wasn't allowed to work on the till because they sold 18's. So my job was to stand around all day and shoot the shit with customers about film, everyone got dvds for Christmas that year..

Green tree cafe (Sometime in 2006)
Ha, this was funny, I was at the job for 2 hours when the chef came in, turned out the chef was this guy who was my arch enemy (Seriously, fucking nemesis) and I had to quit. 2 hours.

King Bill (Sometime in 2007)
I got to work in a pub next to my college, I got to work with my best friend. This was when me a Clint invented DEFENCE!, It's where you take it in turns to shout DEFENCE! loudly and kick the other in the leg, if they dodge it, it's their turn. You're allowed to kick/be kicked anytime. such as holding plates, pouring drinks etc. fun times.

Kiss me Hardys (2008ish)
Me and Clint working together again, defence being bought to a bigger place with more staff. One time this crazy chef held my hand on the hotplate, he was huge and I'm pretty sure he was in the Israeli army or something so, I wasn't about to fight back. It was kinda funny too.

The Hospital (Last 2-3 years on and off)
Lots of free time, got to pretend I was a doctor sometimes, worked with people I can consider some of my best friends. Fuck I miss the hospital.

Well those were some of the best, considering my new powers over gay men I may get a job as Tom Cruise's assistant or something, I haven't decided yet.

Stay Gold.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Women actually get away with this?

OK, so, on a Friday after work it's the same thing, Greggs (2 sausage rolls), Primark (Socks etc), and CEX for games. So, as usual Get my sausage rolls and head into Primark and get my gear, as I'm queuing one of the check out people was taking his title a little seriously and was checking out the main man if you catch my drift.

So, My turn comes and he's bagging up my boxers and stuff and things felt a little awkward, so being the people person I am, I decide to make a little bit of conversation. I look at his name tag and it's fucked, his name was like Kgilar or something, and I'm like, "Interesting name, how's it pronounced?" and he blushes a little and tells me then taps something into the till and says "I gave you a nice little discount on these" And I'm like thanks, But I know he be picturing me in those briefs I was buying. So I leave, having learnt my lessons:

1. The homosexual community god damn love me

2. I'm a god damn whore.

I felt cheap and dirty, Like I'd used my gentleman magnet powers for evil, It's happened before, I was in this pub in Brighton and the barman kept giving me doubles for singles prices, But not just because he was in a good mood or whatever, No one else got doubles.

I'm just an attractive man to the...let's say more fabulous community. I don't think I'm gonna exploit these powers anymore, It's not fair leading people on and getting discounts on things which are cheap anyway. So yeah, that's the skinny, I'm a whore.

Works going well, we're thinking about shooting a calendar, so advanced warning, Everyone's getting a "Hunks of St. Georges" calendar for Christmas...god damn, so yet again, I'm using my body for personal gain. I'm out of control...

Stay Gold.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Regrets I'll never regret.

"My only regret, is that I don't have more regrets"

I read this quote while I was sitting on my toilet a few years ago, and it's always stuck with me, I can't remember who wrote it, It was a comedian or talk show host, the book was quotes about getting old. Anyway, I was thinking about stuff that I should regret, this was all spurned on by my friend Liam's blog which is rather wordy and good ( So, I'm gonna list a few things which from an outside perspective would look rather silly, but also list reasons on why they're good or whatever, I'm an optimist innit.

Quitting Acting.
If you're reading this and you know me you'll know I'm fabulous, If you don't know me, Trust me. I have a certain flair for drama, So, naturally, after the lack of direction when I finished High School, I went to Kingston College (Represent) to study Drama and that. I dropped out half way through, It wasn't for me. I learnt some amazing stuff and met a few of my bestest friends in the whole world, Instead of spending time going to class I was busy discovering Korean cinema and whiskey. I felt that college was confining me from all these new experiences and fun. I didn't realize this was a regret until later in life, I think the real reason I quit acting though was because I didn't truly madly deeply want to do it. I love acting, I do, but I didn't want to learn it I guess.

Enrolling in car fixing.
So, I was with a friend when he went to apply for college as an electrician, and I decided I wasn't doing anything that year so I applied for Auto something engineering (fixing cars basically). Now, I should note I have absolutely no interest in cars, I joined the course because it was something to do and I felt I should geezer myself up a bit after being a luvvie at college. Again I met one of my best friends at Carlshalton college, I spend most of my time with him, we've laughed and cried together. I'll never remember the advice one of my lecturers gave me, he told me if my hearts not in it don't do it, Not in a mean way, But he notices how happy I was about my job (At a DVD shop) and how miserable I was about college. He could see I just cared about film and the arts, Not cars and grease. Which lead to me following what I've noticed I have a lazy passion for, Writing.

Smoking, (which, is awesome by the way)
Alot of people regret smoking (pussies), I don't know why, people don't force you to smoke. Teachers and Parents let you think that if you have one drag of a cigarette you'll be addicted for life and die at 28. It took me a few cigarettes to get me addicted to smoking, say about, 3. That's like 18 minutes of smoking that got me addicted, which no one forced me to do. And people blame the tobacco companies, Disgusting. I've shared some of the best times of my life smoking with my friends and on my own, Drunken discussions about shit while out for a smoke with friends. Smoking brought us all close together.

Quitting so many jobs.
I'm young. You're young. If you're not happy with something, don't do it. I've quit jobs for many reasons, mostly because I couldn't hang out with my pals and myself. Don't worry about commitments, you're young, have fun.

That's a few anyway, I guess It's kinda character building or something. Did you notice a theme there? They all involved friends, I have no regrets because of my friends. See that shit, I'm like the M. Night Shyamalan of blogging, throwing in twists and stuff. Anyway, yeah, so, you'd have no stories if you didn't regret anything, So stop being so damn careful.

Stay Gold.

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Jack Sparling, Going political.

“I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around – they say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain', but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”

- George Carlin

George Carlin was one of my favourite comedians, The above quote was his view on voting (Obviously).

Now people have been asking me recently who I'm gonna vote for: The human jowel, Captain sleeves rolled up or the one no one takes seriously, and to be honest, I don't bother voting, when people ask me why, I pretend its a big political statement and begin quoting the late great Mr Carlin but really its because I can't be bothered. At all.

I'm not gonna get out of my bed and walk all the way to the polling office (Which is further than Morrisons) so I can vote for someone who's policies I didn't take notice to, who's probably gonna do something which will affect the amount of money I make or make pissing against a tree illegal.

When I told my nan this she went into a terrifying tirade into why the youth today don't take anything seriously and why I should vote, Eventually the rant went onto Rupert Murdoch and womens rights so I was off the hook, she's a strange lady. But I've always wondered why people take politics so seriously. Nothing changes, The old still die, how much money you make will keep going up and down, the masses will still claim money and costumed vigilantism is still illegal. Plus my one vote's not gonna make a difference, Yeah, I know "If everyone thought like that no one would vote", But Most people are to self important to not vote, So I can think like that.


So recently I've started working at the good NHS again, This time in the form of a Receipt and Distribution clerk. Which is great, I get to work with my friends and mess around the hospital for the 3rd time. The only thing bugging me is my pay situation, just before I started the job the bank closed my account (Id make a joke about bankers or something if I actually understood the recession), So the agency is paying me in cheque. Problem is I can't open a new account because I don't have any formal photo ID. So I can't cash or pay in my cheques, so I can't afford to get a new drivers license, so I can open my account, so I can pay in my cheques, so I can afford things like drivers licenses. It's a brutal cycle.

Oh, and speaking of brutal cycle's, Thanks to the ARSEHOLE in the van who knocked me of my bike last week, I was really craving for pavement so thanks for getting my face to the ground quicker. This is why I don't cycle in the road, It's full of cars. I should mention I'm not a cyclist, like at all, I just happen to cycle to work. I actually can't stand cyclists, I was laughing at this mental woman on a bike the other day who was hitting a car with her handbag because he was driving to close to her or something. It's the road! It's FOR cars! That's the beauty of cycling, you can go on the pavement when it suits you.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me recently. Hope you enjoyed.

Stay Gold.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

You may be surprised by my views on Valentines Day.

People look at me and think, ''hey, He's tubby, lonely, sad, wonder if Valentines Day will finally throw him off the edge''. Well, most other holidays, you may be right, I get drunk on my own and cry into a large kebab, but not on Valentines day, no sir.

Now, Most people like myself (single) complain about Valentines Day being a commercial holiday for saps, but would they be complaining when they were performing a reversed cupid (Ask your older brother) with a loved one? No, they wouldn't, these people pretend they're not bitter and comment when they're with friends about the ''Idiots wasting money'', but really they want what the canoodling lovers want. Plus they probably spend more money of Warcraft upgrades and socks then a guy does buying his girl a dozen roses.

There are of course exceptions, like one of my friends who I'm pretty sure is trying to bang their way through the opposite sex in case there's some sort of rapture. This person just See's Valentines day as another day because they're not lonely in any way. Good for them.

And let's look at Valentines Day for a second...

(I return from my half arsed 'research' on Wikipedia)

OK I didn't do any research I just spent 20 minutes on Lolcats, but from what I know people call it a Hallmark Holiday because the card companies make a big fuss about buying your significant other a card which they'll profit from. And I ask myself, So?

If a conglomerate (Thank you word a day calendar) of companies can encourage people to express their love or happiness in ostentatious ways then why not? It's reported over 1 billion people send/receive valentines day cards every year, and sure the companies make a profit but think about all the people who are made happy because of it, at the end of the day isn't that more important? And from what I've learnt on newsround, spending money is good because something to do with the recession and people losing jobs, I don't know, I only watch Newsround because I can't find the remote after Arthur.

Maybe I'm soppy but I don't see any problem with that, and sure there'll be no red envelopes addressed to me but when I think of all the people being made happy when they receive theirs it don't bother me, y'know, People, Love, all that shit, it makes my heart grow 5 times bigger.

I nearly cried on the tube the other day because I saw a deaf couple holding hands and signing with the other to each other, it was really sweet, like they were in a little world of their own and they had each other. I mean, they both probably would like the hear rather then make a fat man well up but y'know, Them's the breaks.

Anyway, Those are my views on Valentines day.

And don't worry, this hasn't become a motivational blog, I'll be complaining about the next public holiday, I'm pretty sure an Easter bunny molested me when I was little so y'know, Good rant coming up.

Happy Valentines day.

Stay Gold.