Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Berlin, Prince and Thai food.

OK, I admit, recently I have been lazy, but I've been really really busy recently.

SUPER BUSY

So, new plans, I should fill you in.

Berlin.
I'm moving to Berlin, based solely on someone telling me how awesome and cheap it is out there, I plan on flying out April 1st. I decided to post my intentions here, so if I don't go through with it people can laugh at me and call me a failure (more than they do normally anyway)

That is all from new plans. Next, new developments.

Prince
Recently, I'm all about his royal badness: Prince, I don't know what it is, I've never disliked Prince but at the same time I've never gone out of my way to listen to him. But a few months ago while working my main man Saj came into the pub to empty the machines, I ask him to load up the Jukebox with a load of credits as it's going to be a quiet afternoon. The problem is when there's thousands of tracks staring me in the face I can't think of one song I want to listen to at that time. So I just start typing, before you know it I've loaded up Purple Rain.

But for the next few months I can't get Princes original Nothing Compares 2 U out of my head, Day and night I wake up with Prince in my head, I'm either going insane or I have a tumour.

Then one night last week I'm flicking through the channels and Purple Rain's on BBC four, part of some American music culture season, It's right at the end of the film and I would die 4 U is on and I can't stop doing the dance to it round my room. For the next few days I scoured BBC fours listings for a repeat, which I eventually found. I was so captivated watching it I didn't eat for 2 hours.

I think it's down to my friend who really looks like Prince moving to Australia and it's my sadness manifesting itself in the form of a symbol.

Thai Food
When you're taken away from an environment of Jerk Chicken, Greasy Spoons and pub food you really change as a person, you watch rugby, discuss awnings and go to restaurants with tablecloths where they give you chocolates with the bill.

Last night was the staff Christmas do and although I didn't want to go I was offered free booze. We went to a Thai restaurant and after scouring the menu for something I can eat without needing to punch the chef for putting something green on my plate,

"Fuck is that?"

So I ordered a steak dish in a sweet and sour sauce with some egg fried rice and some ribs on the side, now for most people that's not to exciting but for me its a huge step, Mainly because my diet consists of Viennetta, bacon and advent calender chocolate. Not only that, I had a glass of fucking WINE with dinner, without Vimto in it.

I'm growing guys, I'm cultured and can go into restaurants. Dangerzone.


Stay Gold.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Broadstairway to heaven.

So, it was that time, folk week, Broadstairs. But to proceed in the fun of Broadstairs Folk week weekend, I had to endure the atrocity of camping. These are reasons I don't understand you white people and your obsession with camping.

The people.
Why do people go camping for fun? In my case it was necessary, folk weeks on and everyone else is doing it. But get this, there were people there doing it for fun, it makes no sense. Because it's not getting back to nature, it's sitting in a cornered off part of a Field looking at other people sitting in another cornered off bit of a Field getting pissed off that you didn't have the foresight to bring a swingball set.

The shared toilets and shower block.
Respect where it's due, the block at the campsite where we were was well maintained and clean, but still, I don't need to hear people having BBQ food dumps while I'm brushing my teeth. Then there's the button controlled showers, Every time you got a good rhythm of scrubbing going the mother fucker stops and everyone can here you crying to yourself because you'll be sleeping in a Field that night.

No fires
Every time I go round my friend Jon's place, he gets a fire going, rain wind or shine, I think he has problems, but nonetheless it's just a nice thing to sit around But no, not at a campsite, god forbid we ruin their precious grass, benders.

You're stuck in a tent
If it rains, there is nothing else to do other than sit in your tent. With the smells emanating from me due to eating nothing but BBQ food and drinking scotch, plus the monsters crawling around my tent, I want to spend as little time in there as possible. Simple as.

Not even a decent support to do a Carradine

But, at the end of every tunnel there's light, and in this case, it was the fun that was had in town. Now, I done a bottle of scotch before we went out on Saturday night, so things were hazy, but the following happened.

1. We bar mitzvah someone in the conservatory of a club
2. We went on the Rory everywhere
3. I asked countless women back to my tent, they all declined, when I asked one lady why this was happening she said "Because you're the size of a fucking tent" I wanted to marry her.
4. I told everyone in a kebab shop to shut up, and they did.
5. 5 minutes later in said kebab shop this annoying twat got lamped by this geezer built like a tank. quality.

I vaguely recollect foot stomping to some folk music too. Good weekend.

Stay Gold

Saturday, 2 July 2011

"Let's face it, we're never really gonna be friends"

So, I've moved to the illustrious Reigate, which is a strange place, it's quiet and the people are nice, I have to go all the way pack to Mitcham for a £3 prostitute.

I don't have any friends here, which is new for me, being the social magnet I am, I'm used to being surrounded by people which admire and respect me for my intellectual and athletic prowess.

Specially my Athletic Prowess

See, I came to Reigate for work a few months ago, my good friend Harry got me the job. And Reigate's just outside the M25, so as far as my friends and family are concerned, I might aswell live in Heartbeat.

So Harry got me the job and he lived nearby so we'd hang out alot, but after a month of working together he decided to be selfish and take his family to the Isle of Wight for a better life. Dick.

Reigate's changed me too, I had Tapas the other day, who the fuck shares food?

I can't really make friends either, Problem is I've already burned most of my bridges when it comes to making friends with some of the other members of staff. This is pretty much how a conversation went the other day.

Me: You added me on facebook
Her: Yeah
Me: Why?
Her: So we can be friends.
Me: Let's face it, we're never gonna really be friends.
Her: What? Why?
Me: Honestly it's nothing personal but lets face it, neither of us are gonna be here forever, we just work together, you have children
Her: I have a child, yes.
Me: We're never gonna hang out are we? We're not gonna go for drinks, or see films, I'm just being honest, people call me rude all the time but it's just honesty, how many friends have you still got from your first job? Real friends not facebook friends?
Her: Let's go for a drink then,
Me: Nah you're alright.

Then I went back to playing Alleyway on my phone.

Jack Sparling: dickhead.

And you know I'm right, you go to a party and people add you afterwards, you accept to be polite and if you're one of these optimists you're all like "this could be the start to a new friendship" whereas if you're like me you're more like "She's fit, wonder if she's got holiday pictures"

And you can't make friends when you're our age, you're at this weird part of life. You made all your friends at school or college and you're not old enough to be friends with a neighbour or someone you've worked with at the kelloggs factory for 15 years.

So it appears I'm a fucking grown up now, I'm in a place now where you don't see your friends everyday and you have to arrange for somewhere to sleep if you go to a party.


Stay Gold

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Holy fuck-up Batman!

So, I've never really been a fan of Smallville, I watched it occasionally when it first started and watched the odd episode where there was another hero involved, but a week or so ago was the Series Finale so I thought I should watch.

It was so bad it made me want to remove my Superman Tattoo with a cheese grater and blood sacrifice my comics to Alan Moore.

He'd be SO up for it.

And it got me to thinking, How is it out of all of the comic books adaptions out there only a handful are worth watching? How do these big budget films get made without a key grip or something going up to a director and saying "Yo, why does the Batsuit have nipples?" or "So, Judge Dredd's taking off his helmet" and "right, so who's Superman going to fight?".

And yeah, I get that some things won't work on film just because they work in comics, that's understandable, not everything can translate properly. But was there really a need for a dance number in Spiderman 3?

It doesn't make sense how these get fucked up,

let's take Superman returns for example, which on paper, looked like it was going to be amazing, Bryan Singer? Awesome, I loved X-Men. Great cast, Spacey playing Luthor? Perfect! brilliant visuals, set between Superman II & III, whoa, what? What happened?

How did that happen?

Studio Exec: Bryan, We're big fans, loved what you did with X-men, we really enjoyed it,
Bryan Singer: Oh, thanks, what can I do for you?
Studio Exec: Well, as you saw Batman Begins was a huge success and gave us a chance to reboot a serious character and forget all about the mistakes in the past.
Bryan Singer: OK
Studio Exec: So we've decided to kick start the Superman franchise, and we want you at the helm
Bryan Singer: Wow, yeah sure i had some ideas for this anyway, It's set between Superman II and III, yeah the Christopher Reeves ones, Lex Luthor wants real estate and the fight at the end will be between Superman and a rock
Studio Exec: Brilliant! Here's 200 Million dollars, now, don't go spending any of that on comics or anything silly.
Bryan Singer: Ha! No worries there!

I should point out that Superman has been in publication for OVER 70 YEARS! 70 years of rich history and they couldn't have chosen anything better than Lex Luthor getting involved in a real estate scam.

Seriously, anything would have been better,

The sad thing is Superman Returns is just one example of many, For Every Dark Knight or Iron Man there's 5 Ghost Riders. So I'm going to end this with some advice to the studios:

Guy's, I know making movies can't be easy, And I respect you, but when it comes to Superhero films you have to understand that comic book fans are some of the most passionate fans out there, we keep buying shit even when they kill off and resurrect our favourite characters every few years, we know we're getting mugged off but we care about this stuff, and we know you have to reach a wider audience than just the fans but surely there's compromise? What I'm trying to say is, Just let Christopher Nolan do everything from now on, K?

Stay Gold.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Manning bar.

Well, I have found employment, and again I've taken on the role as handsome barman. Working in a pub's OK, You meet colourful characters, work with some great people and even learn tricks like charging ugly girls more for their drinks so the pretty ones think theirs are cheaper.
"Tap water? £6.50"

But you need to follow a few rules to survive, now if you're a woman these don't apply, because customers let pretty barmaids get away with whatever the fuck they want. (Whore)

Luckily, Jack's here to guide you on becoming and ace barman in a few simple steps.


Part 1. Establish the fact you work here now.

The first group that comes in, Bar the biggest member, when asked why give no reason other than "Because I said the fuck so".

Step 2. Mark your territory.

It's not only the customers you have to watch out for, make sure none of the other staff move in on your turf by repeatedly urinating in your favourite corners, taps and snacks.

My side of the street, 2007

Phase 3. Your way is the right way.


Once in a while remind everyone who's the boss, when a customer comes in and orders say, a Carling, Pour them a Strongbow and look them dead in the eye as you do it, Place the drink in front of them and even when they try to reason with you that they didn't order that drink, maintain eye contact and don't say a word, if they haven't paid in 5 minutes bar them.

Level 4. Smash the place up once in a while.

If Eastenders has taught me anything, it's that when your wife leaves you (Or you're on crack) Smashing up the bar with a bat is the best thing to do. So next time your child runs away or your brother sleeps with your wife or you just lost your Mass Effect 2 save, Smash the place up.

Lesson 5. Be yourself.

Remember not to lose who you are while taking on this advice, I only pull this off because I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, That's who I am, So don't feel so bad if you're no good at it.

Stage 5. Don't forget to have fun

"It's called a Jizztini dickhead"


Stay Gold

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Mitcham will be the first stepping stone in the robot uprising.

I'm big, I'll be the first to admit it, I thought it was such an unfair advantage having such a huge penis and being so handsome I decided to gain weight, to give everyone else a chance. But I'm fairly active, I try and keep busy, I do alot of walking and wrestling for example. My last job in Hospital Warehouse kept me busy, Lifting boxes, carrying things around the hospital, avoiding day to day rape from the boys.
My only solace was a wistful black man.

But Mitchamites have gone to far now, I've noticed a massive increase in mobility scooters, Earlier, on my way to the bus stop (5 minute walk) I noticed no less than 4 people on mobility scooters, and, granted 2 of these people were old.

But the other 2 were what pissed me off.

1 of these people was just proper fat, I swear the seat was re-enforced and still buckling. How can someone let themselves get like that? When the day comes that I get back from Meat and Butter shopping and I'm huffing and puffing because I was on my feet for more than 3 minutes, I won't think to myself "I'll get a scooter" I'll think "Get to that fucking gym fatty"

The other one's worse, this woman, and I don't know if I'll be able to describe what I mean. But just by looking at her, I can tell she was just plain old lazy. You know the type, one of these hypochondriacs who's decided they're 50 and fuck it, they deserve a scooter instead of walking around, they tell their kids and friends they need it because they've "Been in and out of the Doctors" and "You know what my knees like", Yeah, I do, because it's like mine, fine, you fucking liar.

I'm all for progress, but these machine are just making us worse and lazier. Time was, if you got too fat, scooters wasn't a choice, you either lost weight or walked around while children laughed/used you as a portable parasol.

And these lazy hypochondriac women, if you were really ill you'd be in the hospital, not whizzing into Greggs trying to go in front of me. Word of advice, When I want my Sausage roll, I don't give a good god damn how much your 'illness' affects you, I'm not moving. Bitch.

I genuinely don't think they should be for sale to the public, they should only be available on the NHS (Y'know, for someone who actually needs one).

They're a fucking menace, and I'm not just saying this because one of them whacked into the back of me today, they always have been, They shouldn't be allowed out during the hours I'm awake (6 P.M - 9 A.M), and building a lane for them is out of the question, the only solution to these fucking cyborgs is eradication by cliff.

Fuuuuuuuck, you.


Stay Gold

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Grow up? Jog on.

It's not like I'm not already on a watchlist, so I may aswell share my views on the Royal Wedding.

As I write this, for some reason people are still talking about the Royal Wedding yesterday, I managed to get myself in a 100% ignorance bubble with the help of Cigarettes, Xbox and Whiskey so as far as I know Prince Phillip shat himself during the ceremony. And I really couldn't give a shit.

Now, I consider myself a Patriot (I say patriot because calling yourself a nationalist has become synonymous with being a racist, which is just plain retarded), I bleed Britain, but I absolutely have no time for the Royal family. Apparently we're all created equal yet I'm expected to bow to any royal which stumbles into my favourite brothel? Equality my arse.

Wedding Fever must be spreading, the other day I was awoken with a text from a friend, "Getting Married 8th October, you coming?". And this bamboozled me, Now, the friend who sent it has never shown any interest to me that he's into the marriage thing and all that, probably because if he sat down and talked about feelings we would have kicked his face in.

"Look, he's sad his brother's in a coma, WANKER!"

All my friends are doing mental shit, They're starting business', getting married, they're even actually keeping the children they have, it's not the world I grew up in, And I came to realize It's not the world I'd grown up in because I'm a grown up now. Which terrifies me.

I sat around panicking for like, 5 days, are all my friends are going to outgrow me? They're getting on with their grown up lives while I sit on Xbox Live arguing with 12 year olds why Batman could beat Optimus Prime in a fight. Then, in one sweet text from the same friend, A massive wave of relief came over me, it made me realize no matter what we do with our lives our good friends will always remain our friends, even if you refuse to grow up.

And the text?

His Fiancée just happens to be German.


Stay Gold.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Stupid things are annoying me now, I'm evidently turning into my nan.

I'm getting irritable in my old age. Over really stupid things, In my typical stolen format fashion, I'm going to go through them and let you know why they annoy me, more than likely outing myself as massive hypocrite while I'm at it too.


People not answering their phone.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm pretty fucking awful with my phone, if you call me 9 out of 10 times I won't answer. Usually because I've either left it in my favourite crack den or I'm in one of my my moods where I plain old don't want to talk to anyone.

Occasionally I need to call someone because I need a lift or can't remember who I lent my hooker shovel to.

"Ha! Sure, Tuesday sounds good, By the way have you
got my hooker shovel? It happened again"

I hate using the phone, it's impersonal, you can't read peoples reactions and my deadpan delivery and comic timing suffers. So, when I call you, it's a big deal, you should answer quickly and with enthusiasm. For some reason it really bothers me, so a note for the future folks, when I ring, answer within 3 rings, of you WILL lose my friendship.

People talking to you with one earphone in
This really winds me up, is my conversation with you THAT boring that you need the Glee cast destroying another rock classic in the other ear? I think it's just rude, this is the sole reason everything's fucking up, the worlds tearing itself apart because The UN are so rude most of them are doing just this instead of trying to solve their problems.

"Shut up Carla, Edward's about to propose to Bella"


'Women' who do their make-up in public
Look, women. What the fuck is going on? The amount of times I've seen women on the tube or in an office doing their make-up, save that shit for home, you're taking away all the mystery. We know that you don't naturally look that good, but we like to believe you do. I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but if only there was some sort of way women could know how to conduct themselves in modern society.

If only...

Dennis Quaids career.
Top of your head, name 5 Dennis Quaid films. Shoot, some of you probably don't even know who he is, Google him, I'll wait. Yeah, that guy. I love Dennis Quaid, I think he's a talented guy, he's a great leading man. But for some reason, his career never took off as much as it should have. This upsets me, I don't imagine it's as many peoples concern as mine and Quaids agent, but I think everyone should know who he is. I will fix this.

Well, those are a few things that bother me, they may seem small but they're bothering me more and more these days, I don't know if it's age or the fact just an angry, angry fucker, but it feels better I got it out there.


Stay Gold.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

I'm not god damn living enough.

Here's the thing, I'm 22, Every day I get closer and closer to 23, which is practically middle aged for my people. And yeah, I've had some fun, got a few stories (The Snowman, The po na na table fiasco, The OAP molestation incident), but I'm still not living enough.

Every other fucker is having more fun than me, and i know why.

I don't go out as much as I used too, I miss going out and getting so shitfaced beating up a midget believing he was Yoda seemed like a good Idea.

Moments after the 'incident'


I'm wasting my youth sitting round playing playstation (Which granted, will come in useful when Korea take over). So I'm making a pact, when I'm working again, at least once a month I'll rally the troops, go out, and drink so much that challenging a prostitute to a whore off will be the least of my troubles in the morning. The old reckless shit I was ever so fond of.

I've been having many lengthy talks with a friend recently about the need for alcohol, and as much as I hate to admit it, he's right, it does lubricate the cogs of the fun bus/police van. I think everyone should get involved, And I'll tell you one thing, 9 out of 10 times you do need alcohol to have a good time, And if you're one of them "I don't need to drink to have a good time, I think it's funnier to stay sober and see what all the drunk people do" people, you my friend, are not part of the party, and also a giant fanny. You're not part of the beautiful moments where everyone else is the room is so balls to the wall drunk that human pyramids just fucking happen.

So I'm going to start living again, get a few more stories for the blog (But remember, I'm doing this for me, not you dickhead), as soon as I have an occupation.

Here's to reckless partying.

And some of the down right nasty roads it can lead you down


Stay Gold

Friday, 18 March 2011

Jacknaphobia

Believe it or not, but this big, handsome statuesque figure is scared of a few things, Vegetarian food, Kim Jong Un, wilderbeast stampedes, y'know, the usual stuff. But I want to talk about what I'm scared of the most. Spiders. I thought it would be therapeutic to talk it through, also it's good for you meer mortals to see that when you peel away the layers of awesome and bacon, I'm just like you guys.

I don't even play with this shit, Even the word makes me check the corners of the room for these abominations. Ever since I was a kid they've terrified me, I don't know why but just the thought of them 8 legged dicks makes me shudder. What terrifies me the most is their resistance to everything. Now, we all know where the worst spiders come from, the land that god forgot, Australia.


This is given to every Australian child at birth


I've come to two conclusions when it comes to Australia,
1. Never go to Australia
2. Australians are fucking crazy.

As we know there were massive floods in Australia not so long ago, or it's still happening. I don't pay much attention. Anyway, I saw some of the flood pictures, I noticed one thing all the pictures had in common.


You see any spider corpses? Me either. According to national geographic or something else I can't be bothered to look up, there's over 200 bazillion fajillion spiders that can kill you in Australia alone, yet there's no corpses floating on the water where are they all? Which means there's only one conclusion.

"Where do we go? Anywhere we want!
Let's start with Jacks house"

Or hiding or whatever. Here's what Scares me about spiders the most. They've managed to dominate Land, Sea (As proven above) and air.

He will look for you
He will find you
And he will scare the fuck out of you

That's a fucking bird. Birds can fly, They have no restrictions of where they soar. Yet the spiders still manage to get them. These 8 legged Terminators have stopped caring about the laws of nature and decency. We need to stamp them out. So do what you can people, throw on some DM's and stamp around in the wilderness, we all need to do our part.


Stay Gold

Monday, 14 March 2011

Day 30: your highs and lows of the past month.

No. This is fucking stupid, 13 days ago I done a blog on highs and lows of the past year. If anything significant happened this month, it would of been in the day 17 blog! Ridiculous.

Low point: Being so attention deprived I started the 30 day challenge.
High Point: Finishing the 30 day challenge.

I'm actually quite impressed I did it, I think the only reason I did it was because Saeed said I wouldn't, he doesn't care that I did or that I proved him wrong, So I don't really know who won here. And I haven't learnt any lessons or anything.

I know it will be hard for you to go with a blog once a week, but fingers crossed, they'll actually be good, Quality not quantity innit.

I've been thinking about career paths recently, I think I want to try and take up writing (Don't worry Holly, I'm still looking for a real job). I like writing and I like to think I have a flair for it, you're reading this aren't you (Unless you're just reading this to be supportive, thanks mum!)? The good thing about writing is you can work at Primark and have an excuse to be a drunk "I'll have you know I am a writer". Shit, like you need an excuse to drink if you work at Primark anyway.

Hell, if it doesn't work out there's I could always fulfil my second biggest ambition.




Stay Gold.

Day 29: Goals for the next 30 days.

God I hate this blog.


I don't tend to set myself goals, I'm usually to lazy to achieve them. I'll give it a whirl nonetheless, I'll make it clear now, it's more than likely I won't bother achieving these goals or even make any attempt to attain them. Who actually sets themselves goals?



Get a god damned job.
This is the one goal I actually want to accomplish, if you've read previous posts you'll know I can't seem to find a damn job. I don't know why it's so hard to find a job where I can show up when I want, smoke, take extended lunch breaks and go home when I get tired. People are right, there's really nothing out there.




Maintain the blog.
Despite my hatred for some of the questions (Which were seemingly written by a slow 9 year old) I have enjoyed flaring my awesome artistic side more regularly. I think I'm gonna try and post once a week, this time on subjects I want to write. I'm going to talk about the serious matter affecting the world, Such as 'Monster munch vs McCoys' and 'Do we really need pandas?" Actually that was a joke but thinking about it, Do we really need pandas?




Fuck you


Continue my work disproving psychics and mediums.
Personal reasons.


Read a non fiction book.
I've only read 2 or 3 non fiction books, Cash (Johnny Cash biography), An Elvis biography and a few real life mysteries. I'm just drawn to fiction more, god forbid I learn something right?


Be more like Leon from Curb your Enthusiasm.



Stay Gold.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Day 28: Something that you miss

The further on this challenge gets the more retarded and poorly thought out the questions get.

I'm generally not one for nostalgia, but if I think about it, there are certain things I miss, I try not get to muddled up in it though, no point looking any other place but around you. Here's a few things I miss.

Summers when I was younger.
Summer was great, Hanging around with your friends, out all day and night, laying around on the grass. Really simple stuff, which people can't seem to do these days without an ipad or DS, I dunno, It's progression, but technology is killing old fashioned fun. When I was a kid, one summer me and 3 of my friends just went into the woods looking for a dead kid, simpler, better times.
...Yes, I was the fat one
School.
School was great right? Easily one of the most important times of your life. When I think back to school I don't think about what I learnt or other coming of age nonsense, and sure I can't point out Belgium on a map, But I remember all the fun I had, Like smashing each others hands with our copies of "A view from the Bridge" and that dog we killed behind the sports hall.

Not giving a shit about jobs.
You know how it is, between the age of about 16 and 20 you work in shops and pubs and you don't give a shit whether you get fired or even do a good job. I miss the lack of responsibility, now when I sleep at work I have to hide it.

My dad.
I'd never bought up my dad in my blog until a few posts ago, he died nearly 2 years ago. First let's clear things up, I started the blog to get girls, not to talk about my feelings. But, as the subject matter is things that I miss, Might as well drop an emotion bomb on ya'll. But yeah, He was a good laugh and I miss him the most.

Keep in mind though kids, looking back at things does you no good, don't look into the past or future, concentrate on what's going on now. Also, looking into the past can be bad for you, you might remember that time you were felt up by Postman Pat.


Stay Gold.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Day 27: A problem you have had.

My penis is to damn big.

Only playing, that's not a problem, I just like talking about it.

Pffft, how much time have you got? I'm great at solving problems, providing they're in some sort of videogame format, otherwise I'm pretty fucking useless, here's a couple of ongoing problems I've been having.

Unemployable.

for some reason people don't
want to give this man a job

Over the past weeks I have applied for dozens of jobs, despite this, All I've had back is one reply, which was a no. All I need is an interview, I'll let my smooth talking, devilish smile and eccentric charm do the rest. I think the problem is I'm to talented, either that or I need to stop putting "Jungle survival skills" on application forms.

I still don't have superpowers

"The last son of Wimpy"

To this day I still genuinely believe I will, someday, have powers. Yet everyday I wake up with the bitter disappointment that the only super thing about me is my huge penis.

Lack of motivation

"I put on a tie, as far as I'm concerned I achieved
all of today's goals"

As sad as it may sound, these past 27 days are as motivated I've been in the last, god knows how long. I'm not motivated by money, things or people. I'm like Buddha or something, but better looking.

Well, that's just a small insight into some of my problems, none of these have been solved yet, I'm pretty easy going so I don't let things bother me, So I'm not going to get worried about them, Apart from the job front, I need to pay for my 'Midget Monthly Magazine' subscription.


Stay Gold.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Day 26: What kind of person attracts you.

Breathing. Anyone alive or not long dead.

I don't know, pretty sure I went through all this already. She has to be a looker for starters, I'm not talking drop dead gorgeous, but at least someone you can introduce your friends to without having to apologize for offending their eyes with the manpigface you bought to the pub with you.


"She's really funny and is great with kids guys"

People think because I'm not exactly *cough* Svelte. I have to like fat girls or be more sensitive towards people who are 'facially challenged', they could not be more wrong.

I don't want to come of as insensitive but I don't wanna go out with a fatty, I'm not saying they're bad people, or don't have great personalities, but I'm obviously pretty fucking shallow. It's just the way I was made, and if you don't like it, what are you gonna do? Chase me? HA!

She has to have a decent sense of humour, if she can't laugh at abortion jokes or being called adopted it's just simply not going to work. I show affection through insults (Unless I'm just making fun of you, it's hard to tell, I'm confounding sometimes).

Accents help too, I don't know why, I just like some accents, maybe it's a weird fetish, maybe it's because people with accents are easier to make fun of, who knows.

They have to be able to hold their own in a videogame situation. She can have legs up to her head but if she can't watch my back in Gears, what's the point? That's just a woman waiting to be slapped.

See, I'm not a fussy guy, I'm just looking for a good looking, slim, funny, gamer who happens to be filthy rich.


Stay Gold.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Day 25: someone who facinates you and why.

Wow, there's so many people who facinate me. Ted Bundy, Jimmy Stewart, Boris Johnson, Elmer Fudd. Yet, there's only one person who this blog was ever going to be about, Many of you won't know him, and be ready for an insight into the world of

Drumroll...

James 'Horrible Cunt' Shearman.



I used photoshop to hide the look of Terror on my face.


This is James Shearman. 40 years old, Mitcham born and bread, made of 2 parts rage, 1 part humour and 5 parts pure terror.

James is the head of Clints household, and he enforces it with crude humour and terrifying punishments. I have been woke up with the following:

Wake up Medicine (Cold water, Face, Pretty standard)
Shouts of "Wake up cunt, I'm bored"
Pillow attacks
'Milking' (Don't ask)

These are all pretty standard, then a while ago James got his hands on an epilator.

I still get flashbacks


Now, if you're not familiar with epilators, they're like electronic razors, but instead of cutting the hair it plucks them out.

Occasionally you'd be asleep at Clints place, and you'd hear the whirr of the epilator being turned on, if you didn't get up, you'd be painfully losing your designer stuble.

After a few weeks of concentration camp-esque fear, James lost the Epilator, we could reast easy for a while, at least until he bought that chainsaw home.

Another reminder of James' creativity, is after a heavy night of drinking we invented 'break break dancing'. James, being a breakdancer in the late 80's (Seriously) came up with a novel new way of boxing, you could only hit your opponent if you Incorporated it into some sort of dance move. That was a...that was a crazy night, Clint actually broke his wrist if memory recalls.

You may get the wrong idea from this post, he's not a bully or wrong'un. Despite hilarious accidents, nearly being barred from several pubs and general lewd behaviour, James isn't a bad person. He's one of the funniest, kindest and most generous people I've ever met. Everyone loves him because he's so goddamn funny. However if you see this man do not approach him, He's been known to get people in headlocks until they say his full name (With added middle names).

Can you put the gun away now James?


Stay Gold.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Day 24: your favourite movie and what it's about.

I don't have a favourite film, and I'm not going to sit around and spout about what my favourite films are about, that's what IMDB's for. I'd rather talk about the feelings films can make you feel. Man Feelings.

By far the film that evokes the most emotions is an Italian Masterpiece called Life is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella if you wanna be a wanker). The first half is pure heart melting joy, Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if someone's a good actor or not in Subtitled films, But Roberto Begnini is truly a magical man who brings life into his character.

This beautiful tale of love and happiness soon turns into a pretty harsh concentration camp flick, But his character never loses his spirit, and goes to incredible lengths to protect his sons innocence in such a bad environment.

It may have been the 4 or 5 Martinis but I was shedding the manliest of tears towards the end of the film, For a film to keep yo-yo'ing me between happiness and sadness in a couple of hours is truly the magic of good film-making.

After the film I was such an emotional wreck one minute I was hugging my family and the next I was punching wildlife.

Totally had it coming

I do recommend everyone see it. I even got my sisters to promise to see it once they learn how to read. Have some tissues ready.


Stay Gold.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Day 23: give pictures of 5 famous guys who you find attractive.

I don't think I'm getting out of this one without one of my family members calling me gay. Again I re-iterate, I did not write these questions.

First let me explain what a man-crush is in case you don't know. A man crush is admiration and respect for a man, you may also recognize he's a good looking guy. It's a mixture of awe and courtesy. I'm guessing that any men that read my stuff is starting to feel relieved about the feelings they were having about me, don't worry men. Embrace it.

Anyway, on with the list, here's some men I truly admire and respect. (Who are also totally handsome)


Swayze, I can't write to much or I get emotional, but he was one of the ultimate badass', He survived longer than any mere mortal should have with his tpe of Cancer all while playing an FBI agent in a top TV show. He's probably teaching St. Peter proper bouncer (Or cooler) etiquette.


Alec Baldwin, with beautiful blue eyes and chest hair you could choke a ferret in it was almost impossible to make a list without him. An ex-alchoholic with brilliant comic timing, he knows a thing or 2 about how to get your daughter to stop ignoring her phonecalls. NEVER fob off Alec Baldwin with Voicemail. Shame about his brothers though...


Jensen Ackles, Star of the hit show Supernatural is to awesome for words. Also ladies, not only is he handsome, I'm pretty sure he was in Sweet Valley High! I know, he's got it all right.


Because he's Bruce Campbell


I don't think I know any men who at some point in the day don't wish they were David Bowie, Top Admiration points.


Anyway, there's the list, 7 days to go then you'll have to carry on with your empty lives with 1 post a week! Scary thought huh?


Stay gold.

Monday, 7 March 2011

Day 22: how have you changed in the past 2 years.

Not a hell of a lot to be honest.

I'd like to say I'm more understanding and better travelled but I'm not. I've lost a few jobs in the last 2 years too. Looking at a post I wrote 2 years ago, It's about jobs I would do if things like training, money and motivation were within my grasp.

Wow, 2 years ago I had no aims or prospects, which is scary because I still have no aims or prospects. And I still really really want to be an Ice Road Trucker.

This morning, I've been applying for any job, I can't be fussy anymore.

Looking back 2 years on facebook (Which wasn't easy, you're welcome BTW) reminds me of buying an Armani suit, which I did around this time 2 years ago, I don't even know where it is now, which is worrying.

Anyway, best be off.


Stay Gold.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Day 21: one of your favourite TV Shows

I'm gonna keep this short, due to the fact I'm writing this on an iPhone (Jobs, I expect my advertising payment in cash or action figures).

Burn notice is one of my favourite shows, it's about Jeffrey donovan, and he used to be a spy and now he helps people with problems the police. To help with this is Bruce Campbell and an annoying woman who doesn't do much than make me angry.

Anyway, writing on this contraption is really frustrating so I'm going to stop. Full size blog tomorrow. Promise.


Stay gold

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Day 20: How important you think education is.

I think education's important, but not vital. When I was at school everyone was "If you don't go to university your life will be a shambles" and "University is the only way to get somewhere in life" and "Jack, Take your hands out of your trousers". I wish someone had told me things aren't all that bad if you don't go to college and just do whatever feels right.

Part of me wishes I did go to university, but honestly there's nothing I could get a degree in which I'm interested enough to learn for over 3 years. It's not that I don't have a thirst for knowledge, I do, Just the wrong knowledge. Did you know that Ted Bundy was raised thinking his mother was his sister and his grandmother his mother? I did.

The likes of politics and language don't interest me, I like reading about Serial Killers, Film trivia and Walt Disney's strange habits.

What I suppose I'm saying is, I know plenty of people who didn't got to college and university and lead happy full lives. I know people who spent alot of money on an education, graduated, now don't know what to do, so they go protest or something, I don't know, I don't always understand the news. I'm not saying it works out that way all the time, but it can happen.

Just do what makes you happy people, Don't feel like if you drop out of college or whatever it's the end of the world. Most importantly, if you're taking advice from me, you're already in a pretty bad place, so, maybe get help yeah?

Giving poor advice since '06


Stay Gold.

Day 19: Disrespecting your parents.

This question seems a little irrelevant, seeing as this quiz was written for a 14 year old girl, I totally don't live with my parents anymore...I live with my sister.

Pfft, I was to busy dodging wine bottle and and teaching my sisters to read to disrespect my parents. In all seriousness, there's no point in disrespecting your parents, and I never did. Like I probably said before, I was a good kid, never got in any real trouble. I think the only time I ever disrespected my mum was when I found her weakness, She slapped me for something stupid I did and I just laughed. She went fucking mental, it was hilarious.

I was watching this documentary the other day called Radical parenting, now, if you ain't seen this, it should still be on the Sky Anytime, it is amazing.

There's these parents right, and their kids don't go to school, and make all their own decisions. They just play and eat crisps all day, I was really, really jealous. According to their parents they're learning by experience. When I was that age if I was left to 'learn by experience' the only thing I would of learned is how to do every characters fatalities on Mortal Kombat 3.

Then there were these other parents, and they're really close to the children, like, their youngest, between birth and crawling, spend practically their whole time attached to their parents. The kids breastfeed for years they sleep in the same bed, one of the parents is always carrying them. This was all completely new to me, my mum considers forwarding joke texts to me as "quality time".

I like to think I'll be a good parent when the time comes, Care and encourage and nurture them, read them stories, spoil them, just be a good dad in general. So long as they're boys.


Stay Gold

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Day 18: your beliefs.



Technically, I'd be called Agnostic, I neither deny or accept the the idea of a higher power and afterlife etc.

I call it scared.

I see myself as agnostic leaning towards atheism, But I don't like the idea of no afterlife, Not since my dad died anyway (Deep right?). I like the thought that we'll see our loved ones again, but practically, I know it's unlikely. So I stick with 'Don't know' and 'Believe in what you want to believe, just leave me out of it', Ignorance is bliss after all right?

I don't believe in Ghosts or that the dead can talk to us through middle aged fat women, otherwise known as con artists. And I think the people who make money from other peoples grief is despicable. I don't believe in the practice of 'Magic' either, The only magic I believe in is illusion.

And the Magic I make happen in the bedroom


I like the idea of what some people call Karma, I think if you're a good person, good things happen to you, But I don't think it's down to some mystical energy, I think it's just down to the fact good people perceive incidents and events in a more positive way. Although, Superman's good and just bad shit happens to him all the time (Like Bryan Singer), So I may have to review that line of thought.

Here's a short list of things I believe/believe in:

Harvey Dent
Aliens
Bigfoot
Wombles
Some of the practices of Zen (I'm honestly not a dickhead, but they got some nice ideas)
Zen (The fictional Italian detective)

Well, Here's hoping there is an afterlife, because frankly, I've made a mess of this one.


Stay Gold.


P.S Please don't take any of this post to seriously, It's basically a wordy way of saying I really, really, don't care about peoples beliefs.

Day 17: Highs and lows of the past year.

Well, it's been a rollercoaster of a year, Ups and downs, lots of changes.

Sorry I have to stop myself there. that's a complete lie. Nothing has changed other than my hairline. In fact, If we were friends in high school, and that was the last time we saw eachother and we met up today, Nothing would have changed. The look of joy and wonder in eyes may have been replaced with a shallow, dead stare but other than that, I'm still at the same address. Let's get this over with so I can get back to Of Mice and Men.

High point: I got a great, fun job at St. Georges Hospital in the warehouse with people I consider some of my best friends.
Low point: I got sacked.

High point: I went to Bestival.
Low point: I had to leave Bestival, I was a god to them people.

High Point: My Nephew took his first steps towards me.
Low Point: He had a knife.

High Point: I discovered the joy of Plan B.
Low Point: There's not enough Plan B.

High point: Inception was good.
Low point: It wasn't Batman.

High Point: My family recieved my blog really well and actually enjoy it.
Low Point: This fucking 30 day challenge.

High Point: I started watching 30 Rock.
Low Point: Firefly is still cancelled.


My life's a fucking tragedy. But y'know, Whatever.


Stay Gold.

Day 16: Your view on mainstream music.

Mainstream music's mainstream for a reason, People like it, And who am I to argue with record sales? I'm just here to tell people why they're wrong. I'm not really one for modern music myself, I generally listen to Magic, unless they're playing Dido, the I tune into Heart. Never been a big music fan anyway. So don't expect me to write an eclectic list of artists no one's heard of to make myself look cultured and clever, Because you should know by now, I'm neither of them.

I'm gonna take a little look through the current top 10:

Fucking dreadful, Adele's number 1 and 4, I don't know why, I think she's got an awful voice. I could make a fat joke but I'm far to gentlemanly, But I do think gingers songs sound all the same.

There's this Jessie J woman I've seen a few times who makes me reconsider my no hitting women policy.

Rihanna can do no wrong in my eyes, she just needs to keep being beautiful and awesome and talented.

I've heard this Bruno Mars guy, I got some advice for him, Man the FUCK up, Man wouldn't jump on a grenade for no one.

I like Lady Gaga, I do think she has a great voice, And there's something really attractive about a woman willing to go out wearing only red meat, Yum.

Music's always been rubbish, I know people say music was better in the old days, but it wasn't. We only hear great songs on Magic because those were the best ones. I dunno, I just never 'got' it, some people are so passionate about music, and I don't know how when most of it's so fucking awful (What the fuck is Dubstep?). If everyone was as Talented as The Temptations, Elvis, David Bowie or Rush the world would be a much better place. But unfortunately we're stuck with untalented, wannabe 'gangsta', gimmicky dickheads who for some reason people take seriously

Any man who can type N Dubz into a Google Image search and
not spit on a baby is a far better man than I.

Stay Gold.

Monday, 28 February 2011

Day 15: Your favourite Tumblr

I don't know what a Tumblr is, upon some half arsed research last night, I decided I didn't want anything to do with it. It looks like blogging for slow people.

"Tumblr.com is a free and lightweight blogging platform, aimed at making it effortless to share text, photos, quotes, links, music, and videos, from your browser, phone, desktop, email, or wherever you happen to be, and doing it the quick and easy way"

Let me ask you, what's more simple than my blog? it's just words and a few poorly sized pictures. If you want to share Some stupid video of some retarded baby laughing or a GIF of Bill Cosby wearing a fucking hat, Keep that shit to facebook.

With Twitter and Tumblr, it seems like any actual writing talent's being taken out of blogging and being replaced by microthoughts and videos of kittens.


Fuck you Tumblr


Stay Gold.

The Oscars,

I'm writing this as I watch The Oscars I refuse to get a twitter so I'm writing down the times of my thoughts. So far the opening sketch was funny. I'll still do the 30 day challenge blog tomorrow, this is a special. It's gonna be a long one, so don't waste your time if you don't care about my opinions on films.

1:45. Smile Tim Burton you miserable fuck, Seriously, fuck you. Stop making everything so gothic and spirally and cast someone other than Johnny Depp and your wife. I enjoyed Big Fish though.

(Random thought) Can you believe Gary Oldman's never even been nominated got an Oscar? Seems retarded to me. Not even nominated.

(Random thought) Tom hanks seems like such an nice guy, Christopher Nolan is glowing.

01:51. Kurt Douglas is old as hell, but is still really awesome. He souns a little like Dracula.

01:59. Really? Not Steinfeld for the best supporting actress? Melissa Leo was fantastic in The Fighter though.

02:00. First f-Bomb.

02:02. Franco and Hathaway make a good team, I'm glad they're hosting.

(Random Thought) Why is Virginia Madsen there? Has she done anything since Candyman? If she's allowed there where's Tony Todd?

02:04. Animators are always so scruffy, All respect to the animated field guys but get out the studio and learn how to button up a jacket guys.

02:06. Any money Toy Story 3 wins best animated feature. Vegas money.

02:07. Called it. Wow, Steve Jobs co founded Pixar.

02:23. This Panel's ridiculous, The news of the world reviewer's a dickhead.

02:24. Anne Hathaways's so beautiful.

02:26. Charlie Sheen Joke! Was only a matter of time.

02:30. Best supporting actor time, If Bale doesn't win, I'm gonna Bale out

02:33. ALL HAIL THE FUCKIN' BALE! Bloody hell

02:35. Quick, someone dispose of Bales tears before North Korea get their hands on them.

02:40. Without sounding like to much of a queen, What is Nicole Kidman doing wearing them shoes with that dress?

03:01. Wow, Obama AND Randy Newman.

(Random thought) Do you get paid for presenting an award? Wait, who pays for the Oscars?

03:31. Bob Hope's back! In hologram form!

03:31. Robert Downey Jr. Is damn hilarious, makes you wonder if Charlie Sheen will be respected in 10 years.

03:34. Did Matt Plummer just get a thank you from one of the inception guys?

(Random Thought) It must be great to walk down the aisle to the Inception theme and everyone applauding.

03:44. Gwyneth Paltrow's a country singer now is she? Because you can just do what the fuck you like when you're Gwyneth Paltrow, take a break from films for ages and just come back and do Iron Man. Bitch.

03:52. Shit, Celine Dion, why does she have to sing during the part I refuse to miss. I miss Dennis hopper and Leslie Nielsen.

(Random Thought) Where was Corey Haim?

04:03. Tom Hooper couldn't get out of his chair fast enough for his award for directing Kings speech. Is he a clone of James Cameron? They look the same...

04:11. I'd like to see James Franco win best actor, Just to shock everyone.

04:16. Surprise surprise, The pregnant woman gets the Oscar, To be fair I haven't seen the Lesbian ballet flick, and I like Natalie Portman, She deserves this for getting snubbed for Leon. Aronofsky really needs to lose the porno 'tash

04:21. Sandra Bullock is an absolute Gem.

04:27. Well done Colin Firth, You probably deserve it, I need to see the flick

04:36. Yep Kings speech got best Picture, there's a shocker.

04:39. Ugh Kids choir singing somewhere over the rainbow.

04:42, Well, it's over.

Well that was the Oscars, It was OK, none of them made me choke up, That's what I really like at the Oscars, The comedy and Songs are fine, But I like it when the winners are so emotional it can bring you to tears yourself. The only one that got me close to tears was The Bale. Like Cuba Gooding Jr or Roberto Benigni.

I'll see you in aa few hours to post the new blog.


Stay Gold.

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Day 14: Your earliest memory.

I was 2 or 3, it was snowing really heavy, we were in the garden and my little sister was a baby. Fucking boring.

I'd rather talk about the memories I choose to remember.

My childhood was rough, constant torment everyday from my sisters, when they weren't putting cigars out on my arm and stealing my paper round money for whiskey they were playing countless pranks on me.


Didn't have shit on me




One time, my 2 eldest sisters put me in a suitcase (When I was still at a size I could fit in a suitcase) and dragged me to the top of the stairs and pushed me down. When we got McDonalds when we were kids, I'd get the 4 nugget happy meal, and would you believe this, the took 1 EACH! What I was basically left with was a 2 nugget happy meal.

When I was a kid I was afraid of everything, they used to play on this. Just all the time scaring me to the point of tears, I don't know why, maybe they were just jealous how handsome I am. They don't play that shit no more because y'know, I'm double hard.

We're good now, the odd prank call is the only thing that happens. Now we just spend all out time laughing and insulting eachother. But yeah, Sisters are mean.


Stay Gold.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Day 13: Places you'd like to move or visit.

These questions get more and more retarded by the day.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the most travelled of people. I never even went north of the river until I was about 20. I don't even have a passport, my family have been to all these tropical, mystical places like Magaluf and Lanzarote and me? I went to the isle of Wight last year.

One day I'm going to get out of Mitcham, I'm sick of living in such a hostile environment, I'm going to get a good job, save up some money, really work hard, then one day, maybe, I might be able to move to Croydon.

There's one or two places I want to go, but I know I'll be disappointed when I go there and it's not like how it is in the films or Sesame Street.

When I was a kid I had this video of The Real Ghostbusters "Play those Ragtime Boos", and in it, The REAL Ghostbusters go to new Orleans to investigate ghosts. and man I loved this episode, the way all the people talked, the music, the way it looked. I fell in love with the idea of New Orleans. To this day I still watch everything New Orleans related,
Good and bad



One day I hope to go to New Orleans and drink bourbon and listen to jazz in a smoky bar, hit up mardis gras, get arse drunk and more than likely wake up next to some fat goth calling himself Lestat.

A while ago I had a plan to work for 3 years and save a 3rd of every paycheck and travel America for a year, but seeing as I can't drive, don't have a passport and can't hold down a job for more than 6 months it more than likely will never happen.

I wanna go to New York and see some of the iconic buildings like the Flat Iron, go Alec Baldwin Spotting near around 30 Rock, go to times square where so many famous pictures have been taken...

"Fuckin'...where my keba...F-FUCK YOU!"

I'm worried I'm becoming cultured as I get older, A few years ago I had no interest whatsoever in going to Paris or Rome, but as I'm getting older I want to see these places for reasons I can't explain other than 'culture'. Pretty gay right?

I need to travel, see the world, It's a little sad that I'm 22 and never been on a plane. But then again, getting a passport seems like alot of work.


Stay Gold.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Day 12. Bullet your whole day

Man, this is gonna be bleak, I'm a very uninteresting person,

  • I wake up, I do 1000 press ups and 1000 sit ups, it's 7 PM, Alfred is ready with breakfast (Steak and Mars bars).
  • I go down to the cave and re-calibrate my grappling hook and replace the straps on my boots, pay my subscription for Nuts and Zoo.
  • I log onto the computer to run the DNA samples left from the bank robbery last night, update the Arkham files and put out an APB on Hugo Strange, Update Facebook.
  • I put on my finest suit and make sure the Bentley is prepared, Alfred drives me to a fundraiser, I shout bus wankers out the window on the way.
  • I make some inappropriate jokes about a baroness' cleavage and am asked to leave. Just as planned.
  • Signal goes of, I change and meet Gordon, On the roof 2 pidgeons are doing it, I take a. picture and send it to Clark, he lol's.
  • Harvey's escaped again, He's holding the courthouse hostage.
  • I update my twitter.
  • Pick up Robin, I do that thing where everytime he goes for the door handle I drive forward a few feet.
  • Save hostages, Harveys back where he belongs, I'm fucking awesome.
  • Teach Robin how to do the hand vagina trick, he calls me immature.
  • Jump in the Batmobile and blast some Plan B.
  • Deal with some petty crime, I can't stop laughing because I farted on Robins eyemask, he keeps itching his eye. I text Clark about it, he lol's.
  • Drop Robin off, I shut his cape in the car and start driving pretending I can't here him shouting.
  • I get home and Clark sent me this link for 2 girl 1 cup, I throw up and text him a picture of my vomit, he lol's.
  • Watch The only way is Essex and fall asleep.

Quiet night.


Stay Gold

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Day 11: Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

What does this mean? Write ten songs that pop up? Write what they are? Write a review for each song? How it makes me feel? Whatever, I don't even own an iPod. I'll stick spotify on shuffle, So I'll give it a whack.

I don't know where my taste in music comes from, My dad was big into Motown and Country and I've never heard my mum listen to anything other than Simply Red and Meatloaf. My sisters...They listen to some...I don't even know what it is...It's just noise, I've never even heard of the genre it is.

1. Girl, You'll be a woman soon - Neil Diamond.
I forgot how good this song is until recently, Now I keep listening to it and practising for my next Karaoke bout.

2. Me and Mrs Jones - Billy Paul.
This is the song I'm going to sing at my friends weddings, replacing the word Jones with my friends last name, that way it's an infidelity joke AND a mum joke.

3. First of the gang to die - Morrisey
I like Morrisey, don't agree with him being so outspoken about some things, (He once left the stage for a few hours because he could smell bacon) But I like his music, My mate Liam took me to see him at Wembley and he was Ace, And funnier than I expected.

4. Wild World - Cat Stevens
Ultimate relaxing tune, it makes me think of happier times. (Before...The incident)

5. Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins
If I had it my way I'd fill this whole list with Phil Collins. People take the mick out of him and I don't understand why, I genuinely believe he's one of the most talented artists out there. And Peter Gabriel can go suck a nut.

6. Atlantis - Donovan
I first heard this song when I saw Goodfellas many years back. It's the scene where Joe Pesci kills Dennis Farina in the bar. I love Scorsese's use of music, He makes these mob films, yet instead of using Big Band or Classical music they use in most mob films, He uses classic rock like Clapton or The Stones, Which is quality.

7. Traded in my cigarettes - Plan B
I love Plan B, and this song really gets to me, it's about a prisoner trading in his cigarettes for a shank. It's such a great song because the character keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt anybody but he has to.

8. There she goes my beautiful world - Nick Cave
I avoided Nick Cave for a while because I thought he was someone only dickheads listen to. Granted that all dickheads listen to Nick Cave I still think he's fantastic. It's the nicest song about Heroin there is.

9. Falling Down - Scarlett Johansson
I don't like Tom Waits. I don't...'get it'. I disregarded it at first because I thought what has Scarlett got to offer outside of acting? But I was listening to a friends playlist and it came on, To my horror I discovered this great tune was by Scarlett Johansson, Never gonna back since.

10. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
This is possibly the sexiest song ever made. I use this one to get girls.

Honorable mention:
Across 110th street - Bobby Womack
I was listening to this just before I started, it's just one of the best songs ever. it's a really cool soulful track, it's about the day to day fight in the Ghetto. It obviously speaks to me.



Stay Gold.

Day 10: Discuss your first love and first kiss.

My first kiss is a story of heartbreak and deception. It tells the story of a naive idiot in his middle school playground. Let's take it back, I'm not sure what year it was, like I said, it was middle school, I'm not good at keeping track of these things. Anyway, I was in the playground, ten years old, I was probably doing some ill shit like selling fake shiney Pokemon cards or getting into the Monster Munch trade with the Colombian kids. So I'm there, chilling and this girl comes up to me form my year, I don't remember her name, she smacks one on my lips and runs back to her friends who were all giggling.

My geek friends were all high fiving me (Fist bumps hadn't been invented/reached our school yet) and asking me what my secret was, for like a whole afternoon I felt cool. After last lesson me and one of my cool friends (I moved in many circles) were walking home, I told him what happened and how happy I was because I thought someone liked me. To which he bluntly replied "They were laughing? It was probably a dare."



The fucking bitch.

So I went into a spiral of depression, Drinking Sunny D first thing in the morning, Eating my crisps before my sandwiches at lunch, y'know, hard shit. I was used as a dare, kiss the weirdo/fatty/bad haircut kid (Again, thanks mum) in the playground, My little cholesterol clogged heart withered. It was that day I realized my Mum was a goddamn liar when she said I was the most handsome boy in the world.

I don't think I'll ever truly trust a woman again.

Yeah, Heartbreaking huh? Fatty's got some scars. As for the love part of the question, Can't say I've been in love, I like to say I believe in love. But it's a matter of time and a few hundred quid before I settle for the closest thing to love I can think off:




On a side not, it's my sisters birthday today. I love my sister, we're completely different but she's fucking hilarious, I don't quite remember how old she is, but she's getting on now. Happy Birthday H,, To the ghetto you go.


Stay Gold.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Day 9: How you hope your future will be like

How you hope your future will be like.

Does anyone actually know what
Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan actually does?


I'm pretty sure this is the same as the 10 years question last week. I've been thinking about this for at least 5 minutes now and believe me when I say this, this is the honest truth. I really, really don't give a shit.

I've decided what I want to call my children, Jack Jr, Captain, Victor, Bruce and Clark. Jack Jr will run the family demon hunting business, Captain will be a hero pilot, Victor will be an investigative journalist taking down the mob, Bruce will be a socialite with a redeeming secret and Clark will be a defence lawyer with integrity. Their mother will be more than likely dead, that way it gives them an interesting dark past that will help them get girls.

I don't think about the future much, stops you focusing on the now. And right now I'm pretty fucking awesome.


Stay Gold.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Day 8: A moment you felt most satisfied with life.

This one's a little tough, I've never done anything noteworthy like climb a mountain or anything. it was pretty satisfying when I didn't die after the snow incident. There's one or 2 things I was surprised I achieved, Like I was playing Final fantasy 7, and to cut a long story short, I was against the ropes and I won the final boss battle, I felt like this:



Whereas in reality I looked more along the lines of this:

Tit's n' all

Maybe another instance when I felt satisfied was when my leadership got us on the ferry back to the mainland when the car wouldn't start in the car park, with my instructions like "Why's the fucking car broken!?" and "WHY DIDN'T YOU CHECK EARLIER". Sure Pete was driving and he may of got us across the island in 10 minutes but my instructions like "You're not going fast enough" was which got us there.

Man, Didn't think a blog post could leave me thinking that I haven't done anything with my life. Fuck it, sure something will come up.


Stay Gold.