Monday, 28 February 2011
"Tumblr.com is a free and lightweight blogging platform, aimed at making it effortless to share text, photos, quotes, links, music, and videos, from your browser, phone, desktop, email, or wherever you happen to be, and doing it the quick and easy way"
Let me ask you, what's more simple than my blog? it's just words and a few poorly sized pictures. If you want to share Some stupid video of some retarded baby laughing or a GIF of Bill Cosby wearing a fucking hat, Keep that shit to facebook.
With Twitter and Tumblr, it seems like any actual writing talent's being taken out of blogging and being replaced by microthoughts and videos of kittens.
Fuck you Tumblr
1:45. Smile Tim Burton you miserable fuck, Seriously, fuck you. Stop making everything so gothic and spirally and cast someone other than Johnny Depp and your wife. I enjoyed Big Fish though.
(Random thought) Can you believe Gary Oldman's never even been nominated got an Oscar? Seems retarded to me. Not even nominated.
(Random thought) Tom hanks seems like such an nice guy, Christopher Nolan is glowing.
01:51. Kurt Douglas is old as hell, but is still really awesome. He souns a little like Dracula.
01:59. Really? Not Steinfeld for the best supporting actress? Melissa Leo was fantastic in The Fighter though.
02:00. First f-Bomb.
02:02. Franco and Hathaway make a good team, I'm glad they're hosting.
(Random Thought) Why is Virginia Madsen there? Has she done anything since Candyman? If she's allowed there where's Tony Todd?
02:04. Animators are always so scruffy, All respect to the animated field guys but get out the studio and learn how to button up a jacket guys.
02:06. Any money Toy Story 3 wins best animated feature. Vegas money.
02:07. Called it. Wow, Steve Jobs co founded Pixar.
02:23. This Panel's ridiculous, The news of the world reviewer's a dickhead.
02:24. Anne Hathaways's so beautiful.
02:26. Charlie Sheen Joke! Was only a matter of time.
02:30. Best supporting actor time, If Bale doesn't win, I'm gonna Bale out
02:33. ALL HAIL THE FUCKIN' BALE! Bloody hell
02:35. Quick, someone dispose of Bales tears before North Korea get their hands on them.
02:40. Without sounding like to much of a queen, What is Nicole Kidman doing wearing them shoes with that dress?
03:01. Wow, Obama AND Randy Newman.
(Random thought) Do you get paid for presenting an award? Wait, who pays for the Oscars?
03:31. Bob Hope's back! In hologram form!
03:31. Robert Downey Jr. Is damn hilarious, makes you wonder if Charlie Sheen will be respected in 10 years.
03:34. Did Matt Plummer just get a thank you from one of the inception guys?
(Random Thought) It must be great to walk down the aisle to the Inception theme and everyone applauding.
03:44. Gwyneth Paltrow's a country singer now is she? Because you can just do what the fuck you like when you're Gwyneth Paltrow, take a break from films for ages and just come back and do Iron Man. Bitch.
03:52. Shit, Celine Dion, why does she have to sing during the part I refuse to miss. I miss Dennis hopper and Leslie Nielsen.
(Random Thought) Where was Corey Haim?
04:03. Tom Hooper couldn't get out of his chair fast enough for his award for directing Kings speech. Is he a clone of James Cameron? They look the same...
04:11. I'd like to see James Franco win best actor, Just to shock everyone.
04:16. Surprise surprise, The pregnant woman gets the Oscar, To be fair I haven't seen the Lesbian ballet flick, and I like Natalie Portman, She deserves this for getting snubbed for Leon. Aronofsky really needs to lose the porno 'tash
04:21. Sandra Bullock is an absolute Gem.
04:27. Well done Colin Firth, You probably deserve it, I need to see the flick
04:36. Yep Kings speech got best Picture, there's a shocker.
04:39. Ugh Kids choir singing somewhere over the rainbow.
04:42, Well, it's over.
Well that was the Oscars, It was OK, none of them made me choke up, That's what I really like at the Oscars, The comedy and Songs are fine, But I like it when the winners are so emotional it can bring you to tears yourself. The only one that got me close to tears was The Bale. Like Cuba Gooding Jr or Roberto Benigni.
I'll see you in aa few hours to post the new blog.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
I'd rather talk about the memories I choose to remember.
One time, my 2 eldest sisters put me in a suitcase (When I was still at a size I could fit in a suitcase) and dragged me to the top of the stairs and pushed me down. When we got McDonalds when we were kids, I'd get the 4 nugget happy meal, and would you believe this, the took 1 EACH! What I was basically left with was a 2 nugget happy meal.
When I was a kid I was afraid of everything, they used to play on this. Just all the time scaring me to the point of tears, I don't know why, maybe they were just jealous how handsome I am. They don't play that shit no more because y'know, I'm double hard.
We're good now, the odd prank call is the only thing that happens. Now we just spend all out time laughing and insulting eachother. But yeah, Sisters are mean.
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the most travelled of people. I never even went north of the river until I was about 20. I don't even have a passport, my family have been to all these tropical, mystical places like Magaluf and Lanzarote and me? I went to the isle of Wight last year.
One day I'm going to get out of Mitcham, I'm sick of living in such a hostile environment, I'm going to get a good job, save up some money, really work hard, then one day, maybe, I might be able to move to Croydon.
There's one or two places I want to go, but I know I'll be disappointed when I go there and it's not like how it is in the films or Sesame Street.
When I was a kid I had this video of The Real Ghostbusters "Play those Ragtime Boos", and in it, The REAL Ghostbusters go to new Orleans to investigate ghosts. and man I loved this episode, the way all the people talked, the music, the way it looked. I fell in love with the idea of New Orleans. To this day I still watch everything New Orleans related,
One day I hope to go to New Orleans and drink bourbon and listen to jazz in a smoky bar, hit up mardis gras, get arse drunk and more than likely wake up next to some fat goth calling himself Lestat.
A while ago I had a plan to work for 3 years and save a 3rd of every paycheck and travel America for a year, but seeing as I can't drive, don't have a passport and can't hold down a job for more than 6 months it more than likely will never happen.
I wanna go to New York and see some of the iconic buildings like the Flat Iron, go Alec Baldwin Spotting near around 30 Rock, go to times square where so many famous pictures have been taken...
I'm worried I'm becoming cultured as I get older, A few years ago I had no interest whatsoever in going to Paris or Rome, but as I'm getting older I want to see these places for reasons I can't explain other than 'culture'. Pretty gay right?
I need to travel, see the world, It's a little sad that I'm 22 and never been on a plane. But then again, getting a passport seems like alot of work.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
- I wake up, I do 1000 press ups and 1000 sit ups, it's 7 PM, Alfred is ready with breakfast (Steak and Mars bars).
- I go down to the cave and re-calibrate my grappling hook and replace the straps on my boots, pay my subscription for Nuts and Zoo.
- I log onto the computer to run the DNA samples left from the bank robbery last night, update the Arkham files and put out an APB on Hugo Strange, Update Facebook.
- I put on my finest suit and make sure the Bentley is prepared, Alfred drives me to a fundraiser, I shout bus wankers out the window on the way.
- I make some inappropriate jokes about a baroness' cleavage and am asked to leave. Just as planned.
- Signal goes of, I change and meet Gordon, On the roof 2 pidgeons are doing it, I take a. picture and send it to Clark, he lol's.
- Harvey's escaped again, He's holding the courthouse hostage.
- I update my twitter.
- Pick up Robin, I do that thing where everytime he goes for the door handle I drive forward a few feet.
- Save hostages, Harveys back where he belongs, I'm fucking awesome.
- Teach Robin how to do the hand vagina trick, he calls me immature.
- Jump in the Batmobile and blast some Plan B.
- Deal with some petty crime, I can't stop laughing because I farted on Robins eyemask, he keeps itching his eye. I text Clark about it, he lol's.
- Drop Robin off, I shut his cape in the car and start driving pretending I can't here him shouting.
- I get home and Clark sent me this link for 2 girl 1 cup, I throw up and text him a picture of my vomit, he lol's.
- Watch The only way is Essex and fall asleep.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
I don't know where my taste in music comes from, My dad was big into Motown and Country and I've never heard my mum listen to anything other than Simply Red and Meatloaf. My sisters...They listen to some...I don't even know what it is...It's just noise, I've never even heard of the genre it is.
1. Girl, You'll be a woman soon - Neil Diamond.
I forgot how good this song is until recently, Now I keep listening to it and practising for my next Karaoke bout.
2. Me and Mrs Jones - Billy Paul.
This is the song I'm going to sing at my friends weddings, replacing the word Jones with my friends last name, that way it's an infidelity joke AND a mum joke.
3. First of the gang to die - Morrisey
I like Morrisey, don't agree with him being so outspoken about some things, (He once left the stage for a few hours because he could smell bacon) But I like his music, My mate Liam took me to see him at Wembley and he was Ace, And funnier than I expected.
4. Wild World - Cat Stevens
Ultimate relaxing tune, it makes me think of happier times. (Before...The incident)
5. Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins
If I had it my way I'd fill this whole list with Phil Collins. People take the mick out of him and I don't understand why, I genuinely believe he's one of the most talented artists out there. And Peter Gabriel can go suck a nut.
6. Atlantis - Donovan
I first heard this song when I saw Goodfellas many years back. It's the scene where Joe Pesci kills Dennis Farina in the bar. I love Scorsese's use of music, He makes these mob films, yet instead of using Big Band or Classical music they use in most mob films, He uses classic rock like Clapton or The Stones, Which is quality.
7. Traded in my cigarettes - Plan B
I love Plan B, and this song really gets to me, it's about a prisoner trading in his cigarettes for a shank. It's such a great song because the character keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt anybody but he has to.
8. There she goes my beautiful world - Nick Cave
I avoided Nick Cave for a while because I thought he was someone only dickheads listen to. Granted that all dickheads listen to Nick Cave I still think he's fantastic. It's the nicest song about Heroin there is.
9. Falling Down - Scarlett Johansson
I don't like Tom Waits. I don't...'get it'. I disregarded it at first because I thought what has Scarlett got to offer outside of acting? But I was listening to a friends playlist and it came on, To my horror I discovered this great tune was by Scarlett Johansson, Never gonna back since.
10. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
This is possibly the sexiest song ever made. I use this one to get girls.
Across 110th street - Bobby Womack
I was listening to this just before I started, it's just one of the best songs ever. it's a really cool soulful track, it's about the day to day fight in the Ghetto. It obviously speaks to me.
My geek friends were all high fiving me (Fist bumps hadn't been invented/reached our school yet) and asking me what my secret was, for like a whole afternoon I felt cool. After last lesson me and one of my cool friends (I moved in many circles) were walking home, I told him what happened and how happy I was because I thought someone liked me. To which he bluntly replied "They were laughing? It was probably a dare."
The fucking bitch.
So I went into a spiral of depression, Drinking Sunny D first thing in the morning, Eating my crisps before my sandwiches at lunch, y'know, hard shit. I was used as a dare, kiss the weirdo/fatty/bad haircut kid (Again, thanks mum) in the playground, My little cholesterol clogged heart withered. It was that day I realized my Mum was a goddamn liar when she said I was the most handsome boy in the world.
I don't think I'll ever truly trust a woman again.
Yeah, Heartbreaking huh? Fatty's got some scars. As for the love part of the question, Can't say I've been in love, I like to say I believe in love. But it's a matter of time and a few hundred quid before I settle for the closest thing to love I can think off:
On a side not, it's my sisters birthday today. I love my sister, we're completely different but she's fucking hilarious, I don't quite remember how old she is, but she's getting on now. Happy Birthday H,, To the ghetto you go.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
I've decided what I want to call my children, Jack Jr, Captain, Victor, Bruce and Clark. Jack Jr will run the family demon hunting business, Captain will be a hero pilot, Victor will be an investigative journalist taking down the mob, Bruce will be a socialite with a redeeming secret and Clark will be a defence lawyer with integrity. Their mother will be more than likely dead, that way it gives them an interesting dark past that will help them get girls.
I don't think about the future much, stops you focusing on the now. And right now I'm pretty fucking awesome.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Whereas in reality I looked more along the lines of this:
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
- In 6 years I've had about 15 jobs
- I have more skills, better social skills, and am generally a better person when drunk.
- When I meet someone for the first time, I automatically judge them, 9/10 times I'm right, even if proven wrong I stick to my assumption.
- I once attempted free running in an underpass at 3AM, After falling over 3-4 times I decided it's for wankers.
- I have frequent night terrors, anyone who's shared a room with me will know this.
- I've attempted higher education 4 times, I only succeeded once.
- I've read the IMDB trivia page for every film I've seen.
- I once saw a womble. No one believes me and I was really drunk but it happened.
- As far as I can tell I'm unbreakable. I've never broken a bone.
- Didn't realize how uninteresting I was until I started writing this list.
- I can click all my toes any time
- I have at least 5 alter egos/aliases
- The first film I remember watching was Tim Burtons Batman, (1989 (not in 1989))
- I'll go through amazing lengths in the name of 'A laugh'
- I have an interest with Serial Killers. (I even have favourites)
- Occasionally I reach the point where I become 'Dangerously bored'. The other day this lead to flaming knife throwing
- I used to drink 6 bottles of Sprite on a normal working day.
- My dad nearly shot me with an air rifle once because it was 'funny'
- I've never left the Country, I left the mainland last year, I went to The Isle of Wight.
- I'm the mayor of Bestival, I declared it while on top of the Bestival sign and no one threw me off. That's how it works.
- I still want to be a cowboy when I grow up
- I once stayed awake and partied every night for 3 days straight
- I'm terrified of my nephew
- I've convinced people I'm a Doctor, Marine Biologist, Stuntman and the guy in the Iggle Piggle suit
- I may have appeared in Russian Vogue
- I once cried at an episode of Mr. Bean
- I can't remember the last time I went to a party and didn't instigate The Fresh Prince rap
- One of my favourite jobs was working on the bins because all the free time I got.
- I've never bought an album
- I listen to more classical music than I let on
I don't believe in suicide, without getting to gay about it, I think life is greatest gift you can get, I think we're lucky to be alive. Lucky to have the life I have. I'm a fat, white, Englishman with A penchant for smoking, being awesome and Dancing, What reason would I have for possibly killing myself?
Although there is the time I nearly died, A year or two back I was arse drunk and got into a snowball fight, Naturally I took of my shirt for intimidation purposes. I spent the next three hours walking round the backstreets of East London helping people (Shirtless). In this time the following happened:
- A few people took pictures with me.
- A tramp asked me to buy a bottle of brandy from the shop for him as he was banned (you gotta question the motives of a shopkeeper who won't serve a tramp with money, but will serve a shirtless drunk at 1 in the morning.), Upon buying him the brandy he told me to drink it, I said "No man, you need it more than I do" to which he replied "I don't drink", Obviously I had a look of bafflement on my face and he just said "I need it for a pipe, I'm just gonna throw the drink away, drink it". I drank it and bid the tramp farewell. Wondering where a tramp got the money for brandy and crack.
- I met some Portuguese tourists in the park, they gave me rum and I asked them if they wanted to build a snowman, we built a 7 odd foot snowman and frolicked for a while, I tackled the snowman. They invited me to a bar but I figured I'd be violating the dress code, So I said goodbye.
- I was passing a bar and I saw this nice young lady locking up, I offered to walk her home because in my drunken state I thought it might be dangerous. I walked her home and said goodbye, she gave me a pair of gloves because she thought I might be cold. Nice girl.
- Someone was trying to start their car and was having trouble, so I pushed it for them until it started, they offered me a lift but I declined, I had more work to do.
- Several more snowball fights.
So yes, it did all happen, and yes. I am a fucking tit.
So that's the story 'That night Jack nearly died'.
But stay of that suicide gear kids, it's not cool.
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Nah, I say let people get on with it so long as they don't bother me or hurt anyone.
I'm gonna take this time to go through my religious views. It's about a man who was sent down with a message of justice and awesomeness. That's right:
Christian Fuckin' Bale.
I follow the path of Christan(Bale)anity.
Bale was born on 1974 in Wales. Hospitals being unheard of in Wales until 1998, there's a 9/10 chance he was born in a stable. Not much is known about his early life, A few Disney movies here and there, but on the dawn of the millenium, Bale played one of the greatest characters ever.
With a message of Huey Lewis and proper raincoat use, Bale embodied Patrick Bateman. He had found his calling. Being the most balls to the wall actor ever.
Then around his 30th birthday, The Heavenly Father took his son and told him his place on this earth. That's right, Christopher Nolan raised his son from this Earth of us mere mortals.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
All Joking aside though, I guess they're alright. Depends on your personality. Obviously some things are worse than other, The hard stuff is what gets you into trouble, rolling around on the floor of somewhere you don't know surrounded by people laughing at you with cold sweat running down your face while clutching your arm, The hard stuff, you know what I'm talking about here.
Motherfucking Absinthe, the drink made from the devils piss and Jade Goody's ashes. It tastes worse than a John McCriricks arsehole and gets you stupid krunk. It's why I don't go near it, after experimenting with it one Saturday afternoon and not leaving the bathroom until Sunday evening I vowed never to go near the stuff again.
I say people should experiment with drugs while they're young and get it out of the way, so they can tell their kids honestly the dangers/awesomeness of drugs. I don't however, think they should be legalised, not because I take a moral high ground, but it would put alot of dealers out of business, who in my experiences are lovely people.
But yeah, I guess you didn't really get any answers there, I suppose I'm saying do what you want, just don't be a dickhead about it innit.
P.S Oh and mum if you're reading this you shouldn't be, Maybe if you encouraged me more I would be writing for magazines or writing my second novel or something instead of the internet, When you think about it this is all your fault, Thanks mum.
P.P.S What's for dinner Sunday? And can you buy Crunch Corners, If you buy fruit corners again we have nothing more to say to each other.
Liam's become a big time Director and I've clung onto his coat-tails stronger than single mother clutching her benefits book. I've starred in a number of huge films, well known for my comic timing and transition into drama. I've become one of the Hollywood elite, I'm pictured with numerous glamorous women, known for all my charity work with Sean Penn's clone (It's only a matter of time), playboy lifestyle. And usually disgracing myself in true Downey Jr. fashion (Probably doing cocaine of Jason Stathams head). All in all, living the Sheen Dream.
I've become a dishevelled yet charming alcoholic, I spend my days in a pub lecturing bar staff and whoever will listen on what it is to be a gentleman and the practice of manners. I have a permanent cough and a jacket full of stains yet I'm very lovable. After closing time I go back to my house and eat a pot noodle while listening to some classical music live Vivaldi or Plan B.
I've decided to call myself Dirty-J, I sell most drugs while living a thoroughly gangsta lifestyle. I moved into pimping when I realised I have a lot of sisters, I wear a Du-Rag to cover my receding hairline.
I live in a small cottage in the South of France where I write, I live a secluded but not lonely life, Every morning I walk down to the local delicatessen for a croissant or some French shit, The owner of the cafe is blatantly in love with me, here I sit outside and smoke while reading. Then I go home and walk my my big shaggy dog who's got some pretentious name like Hemingway in a field while I wear a big woolly jumper and ruggedly handsome smile on my face. I go back to my cottage and build furniture or some other manly shit, then I sit by the fireplace, dog at my heels, and read until time for sleep.
Well those are a few of the possibilities, I didn't put the most likely one in where I live in a council flat with my fat wife who hates me. A mean can dream though ay?
Anyone who knows me knows I started the blog to get women, there's nothing better than blog groupies. Bitches be crazy. Seems appropriate that I'm starting the 30 day challenge with this question on Valentines Day.
Now if you're any decent kind of human being you've previously read my blog and you know my views on Valentines Day. So you'll know I don't mind being single, It doesn't bother me. I don't have any money as it is so I don't need the pressure of having to buy flowers, chocolates and bruise cover up for women.
It would be nice for someone to hold me at night and tell me everything's OK, Well, I got someone to do that but Clint's so busy these days I don't feel special anymore. (And his hands are like sandpaper). I suppose I'm saying I'm happy being single, but if the right person came along I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend.
But for now the cat satisfies all my needs.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Friday, 4 February 2011
"Alec Baldwin lookalike"
"Drunk dickhead who takes his shirt off at every possible opportunity"
Let's face it, I'm an attention seeker. Bad attention is still attention, which is why I take my shirt off every time I'm challenged at anything. This is why I write a blog, have public pictures of my balls on facebook, wear a suit and aren't allowed in Mothercare anymore. I like the attention.
But it's not easy readers, I juggle all these personalities to cater for specific crowds just so I'm the centre of attention everywhere I go. I have an array of party tricks, anecdotes, dirty jokes and obscure references stored in my head. What I'm saying is, I'm always on, trying to impress people, I'm always equipped for whomever I meet, whether it's Ed Milliband or Bernard Manning. Now these skills would be useful if I was a stand up comedian, or an actor, but I'm not, I'm just a lazy manchild.
This may be the point where you are scratching your head and saying "But why Jack? Surely someone as handsome and well dressed as you doesn't need to get impress people with witty humor and fart jokes?" This is true, but ain't just a pretty face.
Truth is, I just want people to like me, Maybe it's because my parents didn't talk to me until I was 11 (Or until I "earned it" as they put it). But the rewards are worth it, I've got alot of friends who I like, glowing character references, good stories and a vast array of pictures of me being awesome. Some people think that people wanting to be liked is because they're insecure, or they hide their true selves all their life. Maybe...Maybe.
But I fucking love attention.