Friday, 18 March 2011

Jacknaphobia

Believe it or not, but this big, handsome statuesque figure is scared of a few things, Vegetarian food, Kim Jong Un, wilderbeast stampedes, y'know, the usual stuff. But I want to talk about what I'm scared of the most. Spiders. I thought it would be therapeutic to talk it through, also it's good for you meer mortals to see that when you peel away the layers of awesome and bacon, I'm just like you guys.

I don't even play with this shit, Even the word makes me check the corners of the room for these abominations. Ever since I was a kid they've terrified me, I don't know why but just the thought of them 8 legged dicks makes me shudder. What terrifies me the most is their resistance to everything. Now, we all know where the worst spiders come from, the land that god forgot, Australia.


This is given to every Australian child at birth


I've come to two conclusions when it comes to Australia,
1. Never go to Australia
2. Australians are fucking crazy.

As we know there were massive floods in Australia not so long ago, or it's still happening. I don't pay much attention. Anyway, I saw some of the flood pictures, I noticed one thing all the pictures had in common.


You see any spider corpses? Me either. According to national geographic or something else I can't be bothered to look up, there's over 200 bazillion fajillion spiders that can kill you in Australia alone, yet there's no corpses floating on the water where are they all? Which means there's only one conclusion.

"Where do we go? Anywhere we want!
Let's start with Jacks house"

Or hiding or whatever. Here's what Scares me about spiders the most. They've managed to dominate Land, Sea (As proven above) and air.

He will look for you
He will find you
And he will scare the fuck out of you

That's a fucking bird. Birds can fly, They have no restrictions of where they soar. Yet the spiders still manage to get them. These 8 legged Terminators have stopped caring about the laws of nature and decency. We need to stamp them out. So do what you can people, throw on some DM's and stamp around in the wilderness, we all need to do our part.


Stay Gold

Monday, 14 March 2011

Day 30: your highs and lows of the past month.

No. This is fucking stupid, 13 days ago I done a blog on highs and lows of the past year. If anything significant happened this month, it would of been in the day 17 blog! Ridiculous.

Low point: Being so attention deprived I started the 30 day challenge.
High Point: Finishing the 30 day challenge.

I'm actually quite impressed I did it, I think the only reason I did it was because Saeed said I wouldn't, he doesn't care that I did or that I proved him wrong, So I don't really know who won here. And I haven't learnt any lessons or anything.

I know it will be hard for you to go with a blog once a week, but fingers crossed, they'll actually be good, Quality not quantity innit.

I've been thinking about career paths recently, I think I want to try and take up writing (Don't worry Holly, I'm still looking for a real job). I like writing and I like to think I have a flair for it, you're reading this aren't you (Unless you're just reading this to be supportive, thanks mum!)? The good thing about writing is you can work at Primark and have an excuse to be a drunk "I'll have you know I am a writer". Shit, like you need an excuse to drink if you work at Primark anyway.

Hell, if it doesn't work out there's I could always fulfil my second biggest ambition.




Stay Gold.

Day 29: Goals for the next 30 days.

God I hate this blog.


I don't tend to set myself goals, I'm usually to lazy to achieve them. I'll give it a whirl nonetheless, I'll make it clear now, it's more than likely I won't bother achieving these goals or even make any attempt to attain them. Who actually sets themselves goals?



Get a god damned job.
This is the one goal I actually want to accomplish, if you've read previous posts you'll know I can't seem to find a damn job. I don't know why it's so hard to find a job where I can show up when I want, smoke, take extended lunch breaks and go home when I get tired. People are right, there's really nothing out there.




Maintain the blog.
Despite my hatred for some of the questions (Which were seemingly written by a slow 9 year old) I have enjoyed flaring my awesome artistic side more regularly. I think I'm gonna try and post once a week, this time on subjects I want to write. I'm going to talk about the serious matter affecting the world, Such as 'Monster munch vs McCoys' and 'Do we really need pandas?" Actually that was a joke but thinking about it, Do we really need pandas?




Fuck you


Continue my work disproving psychics and mediums.
Personal reasons.


Read a non fiction book.
I've only read 2 or 3 non fiction books, Cash (Johnny Cash biography), An Elvis biography and a few real life mysteries. I'm just drawn to fiction more, god forbid I learn something right?


Be more like Leon from Curb your Enthusiasm.



Stay Gold.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Day 28: Something that you miss

The further on this challenge gets the more retarded and poorly thought out the questions get.

I'm generally not one for nostalgia, but if I think about it, there are certain things I miss, I try not get to muddled up in it though, no point looking any other place but around you. Here's a few things I miss.

Summers when I was younger.
Summer was great, Hanging around with your friends, out all day and night, laying around on the grass. Really simple stuff, which people can't seem to do these days without an ipad or DS, I dunno, It's progression, but technology is killing old fashioned fun. When I was a kid, one summer me and 3 of my friends just went into the woods looking for a dead kid, simpler, better times.
...Yes, I was the fat one
School.
School was great right? Easily one of the most important times of your life. When I think back to school I don't think about what I learnt or other coming of age nonsense, and sure I can't point out Belgium on a map, But I remember all the fun I had, Like smashing each others hands with our copies of "A view from the Bridge" and that dog we killed behind the sports hall.

Not giving a shit about jobs.
You know how it is, between the age of about 16 and 20 you work in shops and pubs and you don't give a shit whether you get fired or even do a good job. I miss the lack of responsibility, now when I sleep at work I have to hide it.

My dad.
I'd never bought up my dad in my blog until a few posts ago, he died nearly 2 years ago. First let's clear things up, I started the blog to get girls, not to talk about my feelings. But, as the subject matter is things that I miss, Might as well drop an emotion bomb on ya'll. But yeah, He was a good laugh and I miss him the most.

Keep in mind though kids, looking back at things does you no good, don't look into the past or future, concentrate on what's going on now. Also, looking into the past can be bad for you, you might remember that time you were felt up by Postman Pat.


Stay Gold.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Day 27: A problem you have had.

My penis is to damn big.

Only playing, that's not a problem, I just like talking about it.

Pffft, how much time have you got? I'm great at solving problems, providing they're in some sort of videogame format, otherwise I'm pretty fucking useless, here's a couple of ongoing problems I've been having.

Unemployable.

for some reason people don't
want to give this man a job

Over the past weeks I have applied for dozens of jobs, despite this, All I've had back is one reply, which was a no. All I need is an interview, I'll let my smooth talking, devilish smile and eccentric charm do the rest. I think the problem is I'm to talented, either that or I need to stop putting "Jungle survival skills" on application forms.

I still don't have superpowers

"The last son of Wimpy"

To this day I still genuinely believe I will, someday, have powers. Yet everyday I wake up with the bitter disappointment that the only super thing about me is my huge penis.

Lack of motivation

"I put on a tie, as far as I'm concerned I achieved
all of today's goals"

As sad as it may sound, these past 27 days are as motivated I've been in the last, god knows how long. I'm not motivated by money, things or people. I'm like Buddha or something, but better looking.

Well, that's just a small insight into some of my problems, none of these have been solved yet, I'm pretty easy going so I don't let things bother me, So I'm not going to get worried about them, Apart from the job front, I need to pay for my 'Midget Monthly Magazine' subscription.


Stay Gold.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Day 26: What kind of person attracts you.

Breathing. Anyone alive or not long dead.

I don't know, pretty sure I went through all this already. She has to be a looker for starters, I'm not talking drop dead gorgeous, but at least someone you can introduce your friends to without having to apologize for offending their eyes with the manpigface you bought to the pub with you.


"She's really funny and is great with kids guys"

People think because I'm not exactly *cough* Svelte. I have to like fat girls or be more sensitive towards people who are 'facially challenged', they could not be more wrong.

I don't want to come of as insensitive but I don't wanna go out with a fatty, I'm not saying they're bad people, or don't have great personalities, but I'm obviously pretty fucking shallow. It's just the way I was made, and if you don't like it, what are you gonna do? Chase me? HA!

She has to have a decent sense of humour, if she can't laugh at abortion jokes or being called adopted it's just simply not going to work. I show affection through insults (Unless I'm just making fun of you, it's hard to tell, I'm confounding sometimes).

Accents help too, I don't know why, I just like some accents, maybe it's a weird fetish, maybe it's because people with accents are easier to make fun of, who knows.

They have to be able to hold their own in a videogame situation. She can have legs up to her head but if she can't watch my back in Gears, what's the point? That's just a woman waiting to be slapped.

See, I'm not a fussy guy, I'm just looking for a good looking, slim, funny, gamer who happens to be filthy rich.


Stay Gold.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Day 25: someone who facinates you and why.

Wow, there's so many people who facinate me. Ted Bundy, Jimmy Stewart, Boris Johnson, Elmer Fudd. Yet, there's only one person who this blog was ever going to be about, Many of you won't know him, and be ready for an insight into the world of

Drumroll...

James 'Horrible Cunt' Shearman.



I used photoshop to hide the look of Terror on my face.


This is James Shearman. 40 years old, Mitcham born and bread, made of 2 parts rage, 1 part humour and 5 parts pure terror.

James is the head of Clints household, and he enforces it with crude humour and terrifying punishments. I have been woke up with the following:

Wake up Medicine (Cold water, Face, Pretty standard)
Shouts of "Wake up cunt, I'm bored"
Pillow attacks
'Milking' (Don't ask)

These are all pretty standard, then a while ago James got his hands on an epilator.

I still get flashbacks


Now, if you're not familiar with epilators, they're like electronic razors, but instead of cutting the hair it plucks them out.

Occasionally you'd be asleep at Clints place, and you'd hear the whirr of the epilator being turned on, if you didn't get up, you'd be painfully losing your designer stuble.

After a few weeks of concentration camp-esque fear, James lost the Epilator, we could reast easy for a while, at least until he bought that chainsaw home.

Another reminder of James' creativity, is after a heavy night of drinking we invented 'break break dancing'. James, being a breakdancer in the late 80's (Seriously) came up with a novel new way of boxing, you could only hit your opponent if you Incorporated it into some sort of dance move. That was a...that was a crazy night, Clint actually broke his wrist if memory recalls.

You may get the wrong idea from this post, he's not a bully or wrong'un. Despite hilarious accidents, nearly being barred from several pubs and general lewd behaviour, James isn't a bad person. He's one of the funniest, kindest and most generous people I've ever met. Everyone loves him because he's so goddamn funny. However if you see this man do not approach him, He's been known to get people in headlocks until they say his full name (With added middle names).

Can you put the gun away now James?


Stay Gold.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Day 24: your favourite movie and what it's about.

I don't have a favourite film, and I'm not going to sit around and spout about what my favourite films are about, that's what IMDB's for. I'd rather talk about the feelings films can make you feel. Man Feelings.

By far the film that evokes the most emotions is an Italian Masterpiece called Life is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella if you wanna be a wanker). The first half is pure heart melting joy, Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if someone's a good actor or not in Subtitled films, But Roberto Begnini is truly a magical man who brings life into his character.

This beautiful tale of love and happiness soon turns into a pretty harsh concentration camp flick, But his character never loses his spirit, and goes to incredible lengths to protect his sons innocence in such a bad environment.

It may have been the 4 or 5 Martinis but I was shedding the manliest of tears towards the end of the film, For a film to keep yo-yo'ing me between happiness and sadness in a couple of hours is truly the magic of good film-making.

After the film I was such an emotional wreck one minute I was hugging my family and the next I was punching wildlife.

Totally had it coming

I do recommend everyone see it. I even got my sisters to promise to see it once they learn how to read. Have some tissues ready.


Stay Gold.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Day 23: give pictures of 5 famous guys who you find attractive.

I don't think I'm getting out of this one without one of my family members calling me gay. Again I re-iterate, I did not write these questions.

First let me explain what a man-crush is in case you don't know. A man crush is admiration and respect for a man, you may also recognize he's a good looking guy. It's a mixture of awe and courtesy. I'm guessing that any men that read my stuff is starting to feel relieved about the feelings they were having about me, don't worry men. Embrace it.

Anyway, on with the list, here's some men I truly admire and respect. (Who are also totally handsome)


Swayze, I can't write to much or I get emotional, but he was one of the ultimate badass', He survived longer than any mere mortal should have with his tpe of Cancer all while playing an FBI agent in a top TV show. He's probably teaching St. Peter proper bouncer (Or cooler) etiquette.


Alec Baldwin, with beautiful blue eyes and chest hair you could choke a ferret in it was almost impossible to make a list without him. An ex-alchoholic with brilliant comic timing, he knows a thing or 2 about how to get your daughter to stop ignoring her phonecalls. NEVER fob off Alec Baldwin with Voicemail. Shame about his brothers though...


Jensen Ackles, Star of the hit show Supernatural is to awesome for words. Also ladies, not only is he handsome, I'm pretty sure he was in Sweet Valley High! I know, he's got it all right.


Because he's Bruce Campbell


I don't think I know any men who at some point in the day don't wish they were David Bowie, Top Admiration points.


Anyway, there's the list, 7 days to go then you'll have to carry on with your empty lives with 1 post a week! Scary thought huh?


Stay gold.

Monday, 7 March 2011

Day 22: how have you changed in the past 2 years.

Not a hell of a lot to be honest.

I'd like to say I'm more understanding and better travelled but I'm not. I've lost a few jobs in the last 2 years too. Looking at a post I wrote 2 years ago, It's about jobs I would do if things like training, money and motivation were within my grasp.

Wow, 2 years ago I had no aims or prospects, which is scary because I still have no aims or prospects. And I still really really want to be an Ice Road Trucker.

This morning, I've been applying for any job, I can't be fussy anymore.

Looking back 2 years on facebook (Which wasn't easy, you're welcome BTW) reminds me of buying an Armani suit, which I did around this time 2 years ago, I don't even know where it is now, which is worrying.

Anyway, best be off.


Stay Gold.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Day 21: one of your favourite TV Shows

I'm gonna keep this short, due to the fact I'm writing this on an iPhone (Jobs, I expect my advertising payment in cash or action figures).

Burn notice is one of my favourite shows, it's about Jeffrey donovan, and he used to be a spy and now he helps people with problems the police. To help with this is Bruce Campbell and an annoying woman who doesn't do much than make me angry.

Anyway, writing on this contraption is really frustrating so I'm going to stop. Full size blog tomorrow. Promise.


Stay gold

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Day 20: How important you think education is.

I think education's important, but not vital. When I was at school everyone was "If you don't go to university your life will be a shambles" and "University is the only way to get somewhere in life" and "Jack, Take your hands out of your trousers". I wish someone had told me things aren't all that bad if you don't go to college and just do whatever feels right.

Part of me wishes I did go to university, but honestly there's nothing I could get a degree in which I'm interested enough to learn for over 3 years. It's not that I don't have a thirst for knowledge, I do, Just the wrong knowledge. Did you know that Ted Bundy was raised thinking his mother was his sister and his grandmother his mother? I did.

The likes of politics and language don't interest me, I like reading about Serial Killers, Film trivia and Walt Disney's strange habits.

What I suppose I'm saying is, I know plenty of people who didn't got to college and university and lead happy full lives. I know people who spent alot of money on an education, graduated, now don't know what to do, so they go protest or something, I don't know, I don't always understand the news. I'm not saying it works out that way all the time, but it can happen.

Just do what makes you happy people, Don't feel like if you drop out of college or whatever it's the end of the world. Most importantly, if you're taking advice from me, you're already in a pretty bad place, so, maybe get help yeah?

Giving poor advice since '06


Stay Gold.

Day 19: Disrespecting your parents.

This question seems a little irrelevant, seeing as this quiz was written for a 14 year old girl, I totally don't live with my parents anymore...I live with my sister.

Pfft, I was to busy dodging wine bottle and and teaching my sisters to read to disrespect my parents. In all seriousness, there's no point in disrespecting your parents, and I never did. Like I probably said before, I was a good kid, never got in any real trouble. I think the only time I ever disrespected my mum was when I found her weakness, She slapped me for something stupid I did and I just laughed. She went fucking mental, it was hilarious.

I was watching this documentary the other day called Radical parenting, now, if you ain't seen this, it should still be on the Sky Anytime, it is amazing.

There's these parents right, and their kids don't go to school, and make all their own decisions. They just play and eat crisps all day, I was really, really jealous. According to their parents they're learning by experience. When I was that age if I was left to 'learn by experience' the only thing I would of learned is how to do every characters fatalities on Mortal Kombat 3.

Then there were these other parents, and they're really close to the children, like, their youngest, between birth and crawling, spend practically their whole time attached to their parents. The kids breastfeed for years they sleep in the same bed, one of the parents is always carrying them. This was all completely new to me, my mum considers forwarding joke texts to me as "quality time".

I like to think I'll be a good parent when the time comes, Care and encourage and nurture them, read them stories, spoil them, just be a good dad in general. So long as they're boys.


Stay Gold

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Day 18: your beliefs.



Technically, I'd be called Agnostic, I neither deny or accept the the idea of a higher power and afterlife etc.

I call it scared.

I see myself as agnostic leaning towards atheism, But I don't like the idea of no afterlife, Not since my dad died anyway (Deep right?). I like the thought that we'll see our loved ones again, but practically, I know it's unlikely. So I stick with 'Don't know' and 'Believe in what you want to believe, just leave me out of it', Ignorance is bliss after all right?

I don't believe in Ghosts or that the dead can talk to us through middle aged fat women, otherwise known as con artists. And I think the people who make money from other peoples grief is despicable. I don't believe in the practice of 'Magic' either, The only magic I believe in is illusion.

And the Magic I make happen in the bedroom


I like the idea of what some people call Karma, I think if you're a good person, good things happen to you, But I don't think it's down to some mystical energy, I think it's just down to the fact good people perceive incidents and events in a more positive way. Although, Superman's good and just bad shit happens to him all the time (Like Bryan Singer), So I may have to review that line of thought.

Here's a short list of things I believe/believe in:

Harvey Dent
Aliens
Bigfoot
Wombles
Some of the practices of Zen (I'm honestly not a dickhead, but they got some nice ideas)
Zen (The fictional Italian detective)

Well, Here's hoping there is an afterlife, because frankly, I've made a mess of this one.


Stay Gold.


P.S Please don't take any of this post to seriously, It's basically a wordy way of saying I really, really, don't care about peoples beliefs.

Day 17: Highs and lows of the past year.

Well, it's been a rollercoaster of a year, Ups and downs, lots of changes.

Sorry I have to stop myself there. that's a complete lie. Nothing has changed other than my hairline. In fact, If we were friends in high school, and that was the last time we saw eachother and we met up today, Nothing would have changed. The look of joy and wonder in eyes may have been replaced with a shallow, dead stare but other than that, I'm still at the same address. Let's get this over with so I can get back to Of Mice and Men.

High point: I got a great, fun job at St. Georges Hospital in the warehouse with people I consider some of my best friends.
Low point: I got sacked.

High point: I went to Bestival.
Low point: I had to leave Bestival, I was a god to them people.

High Point: My Nephew took his first steps towards me.
Low Point: He had a knife.

High Point: I discovered the joy of Plan B.
Low Point: There's not enough Plan B.

High point: Inception was good.
Low point: It wasn't Batman.

High Point: My family recieved my blog really well and actually enjoy it.
Low Point: This fucking 30 day challenge.

High Point: I started watching 30 Rock.
Low Point: Firefly is still cancelled.


My life's a fucking tragedy. But y'know, Whatever.


Stay Gold.

Day 16: Your view on mainstream music.

Mainstream music's mainstream for a reason, People like it, And who am I to argue with record sales? I'm just here to tell people why they're wrong. I'm not really one for modern music myself, I generally listen to Magic, unless they're playing Dido, the I tune into Heart. Never been a big music fan anyway. So don't expect me to write an eclectic list of artists no one's heard of to make myself look cultured and clever, Because you should know by now, I'm neither of them.

I'm gonna take a little look through the current top 10:

Fucking dreadful, Adele's number 1 and 4, I don't know why, I think she's got an awful voice. I could make a fat joke but I'm far to gentlemanly, But I do think gingers songs sound all the same.

There's this Jessie J woman I've seen a few times who makes me reconsider my no hitting women policy.

Rihanna can do no wrong in my eyes, she just needs to keep being beautiful and awesome and talented.

I've heard this Bruno Mars guy, I got some advice for him, Man the FUCK up, Man wouldn't jump on a grenade for no one.

I like Lady Gaga, I do think she has a great voice, And there's something really attractive about a woman willing to go out wearing only red meat, Yum.

Music's always been rubbish, I know people say music was better in the old days, but it wasn't. We only hear great songs on Magic because those were the best ones. I dunno, I just never 'got' it, some people are so passionate about music, and I don't know how when most of it's so fucking awful (What the fuck is Dubstep?). If everyone was as Talented as The Temptations, Elvis, David Bowie or Rush the world would be a much better place. But unfortunately we're stuck with untalented, wannabe 'gangsta', gimmicky dickheads who for some reason people take seriously

Any man who can type N Dubz into a Google Image search and
not spit on a baby is a far better man than I.

Stay Gold.