Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Holy fuck-up Batman!

So, I've never really been a fan of Smallville, I watched it occasionally when it first started and watched the odd episode where there was another hero involved, but a week or so ago was the Series Finale so I thought I should watch.

It was so bad it made me want to remove my Superman Tattoo with a cheese grater and blood sacrifice my comics to Alan Moore.

He'd be SO up for it.

And it got me to thinking, How is it out of all of the comic books adaptions out there only a handful are worth watching? How do these big budget films get made without a key grip or something going up to a director and saying "Yo, why does the Batsuit have nipples?" or "So, Judge Dredd's taking off his helmet" and "right, so who's Superman going to fight?".

And yeah, I get that some things won't work on film just because they work in comics, that's understandable, not everything can translate properly. But was there really a need for a dance number in Spiderman 3?

It doesn't make sense how these get fucked up,

let's take Superman returns for example, which on paper, looked like it was going to be amazing, Bryan Singer? Awesome, I loved X-Men. Great cast, Spacey playing Luthor? Perfect! brilliant visuals, set between Superman II & III, whoa, what? What happened?

How did that happen?

Studio Exec: Bryan, We're big fans, loved what you did with X-men, we really enjoyed it,
Bryan Singer: Oh, thanks, what can I do for you?
Studio Exec: Well, as you saw Batman Begins was a huge success and gave us a chance to reboot a serious character and forget all about the mistakes in the past.
Bryan Singer: OK
Studio Exec: So we've decided to kick start the Superman franchise, and we want you at the helm
Bryan Singer: Wow, yeah sure i had some ideas for this anyway, It's set between Superman II and III, yeah the Christopher Reeves ones, Lex Luthor wants real estate and the fight at the end will be between Superman and a rock
Studio Exec: Brilliant! Here's 200 Million dollars, now, don't go spending any of that on comics or anything silly.
Bryan Singer: Ha! No worries there!

I should point out that Superman has been in publication for OVER 70 YEARS! 70 years of rich history and they couldn't have chosen anything better than Lex Luthor getting involved in a real estate scam.

Seriously, anything would have been better,

The sad thing is Superman Returns is just one example of many, For Every Dark Knight or Iron Man there's 5 Ghost Riders. So I'm going to end this with some advice to the studios:

Guy's, I know making movies can't be easy, And I respect you, but when it comes to Superhero films you have to understand that comic book fans are some of the most passionate fans out there, we keep buying shit even when they kill off and resurrect our favourite characters every few years, we know we're getting mugged off but we care about this stuff, and we know you have to reach a wider audience than just the fans but surely there's compromise? What I'm trying to say is, Just let Christopher Nolan do everything from now on, K?

Stay Gold.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Manning bar.

Well, I have found employment, and again I've taken on the role as handsome barman. Working in a pub's OK, You meet colourful characters, work with some great people and even learn tricks like charging ugly girls more for their drinks so the pretty ones think theirs are cheaper.
"Tap water? £6.50"

But you need to follow a few rules to survive, now if you're a woman these don't apply, because customers let pretty barmaids get away with whatever the fuck they want. (Whore)

Luckily, Jack's here to guide you on becoming and ace barman in a few simple steps.


Part 1. Establish the fact you work here now.

The first group that comes in, Bar the biggest member, when asked why give no reason other than "Because I said the fuck so".

Step 2. Mark your territory.

It's not only the customers you have to watch out for, make sure none of the other staff move in on your turf by repeatedly urinating in your favourite corners, taps and snacks.

My side of the street, 2007

Phase 3. Your way is the right way.


Once in a while remind everyone who's the boss, when a customer comes in and orders say, a Carling, Pour them a Strongbow and look them dead in the eye as you do it, Place the drink in front of them and even when they try to reason with you that they didn't order that drink, maintain eye contact and don't say a word, if they haven't paid in 5 minutes bar them.

Level 4. Smash the place up once in a while.

If Eastenders has taught me anything, it's that when your wife leaves you (Or you're on crack) Smashing up the bar with a bat is the best thing to do. So next time your child runs away or your brother sleeps with your wife or you just lost your Mass Effect 2 save, Smash the place up.

Lesson 5. Be yourself.

Remember not to lose who you are while taking on this advice, I only pull this off because I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, That's who I am, So don't feel so bad if you're no good at it.

Stage 5. Don't forget to have fun

"It's called a Jizztini dickhead"


Stay Gold

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Mitcham will be the first stepping stone in the robot uprising.

I'm big, I'll be the first to admit it, I thought it was such an unfair advantage having such a huge penis and being so handsome I decided to gain weight, to give everyone else a chance. But I'm fairly active, I try and keep busy, I do alot of walking and wrestling for example. My last job in Hospital Warehouse kept me busy, Lifting boxes, carrying things around the hospital, avoiding day to day rape from the boys.
My only solace was a wistful black man.

But Mitchamites have gone to far now, I've noticed a massive increase in mobility scooters, Earlier, on my way to the bus stop (5 minute walk) I noticed no less than 4 people on mobility scooters, and, granted 2 of these people were old.

But the other 2 were what pissed me off.

1 of these people was just proper fat, I swear the seat was re-enforced and still buckling. How can someone let themselves get like that? When the day comes that I get back from Meat and Butter shopping and I'm huffing and puffing because I was on my feet for more than 3 minutes, I won't think to myself "I'll get a scooter" I'll think "Get to that fucking gym fatty"

The other one's worse, this woman, and I don't know if I'll be able to describe what I mean. But just by looking at her, I can tell she was just plain old lazy. You know the type, one of these hypochondriacs who's decided they're 50 and fuck it, they deserve a scooter instead of walking around, they tell their kids and friends they need it because they've "Been in and out of the Doctors" and "You know what my knees like", Yeah, I do, because it's like mine, fine, you fucking liar.

I'm all for progress, but these machine are just making us worse and lazier. Time was, if you got too fat, scooters wasn't a choice, you either lost weight or walked around while children laughed/used you as a portable parasol.

And these lazy hypochondriac women, if you were really ill you'd be in the hospital, not whizzing into Greggs trying to go in front of me. Word of advice, When I want my Sausage roll, I don't give a good god damn how much your 'illness' affects you, I'm not moving. Bitch.

I genuinely don't think they should be for sale to the public, they should only be available on the NHS (Y'know, for someone who actually needs one).

They're a fucking menace, and I'm not just saying this because one of them whacked into the back of me today, they always have been, They shouldn't be allowed out during the hours I'm awake (6 P.M - 9 A.M), and building a lane for them is out of the question, the only solution to these fucking cyborgs is eradication by cliff.

Fuuuuuuuck, you.


Stay Gold

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Grow up? Jog on.

It's not like I'm not already on a watchlist, so I may aswell share my views on the Royal Wedding.

As I write this, for some reason people are still talking about the Royal Wedding yesterday, I managed to get myself in a 100% ignorance bubble with the help of Cigarettes, Xbox and Whiskey so as far as I know Prince Phillip shat himself during the ceremony. And I really couldn't give a shit.

Now, I consider myself a Patriot (I say patriot because calling yourself a nationalist has become synonymous with being a racist, which is just plain retarded), I bleed Britain, but I absolutely have no time for the Royal family. Apparently we're all created equal yet I'm expected to bow to any royal which stumbles into my favourite brothel? Equality my arse.

Wedding Fever must be spreading, the other day I was awoken with a text from a friend, "Getting Married 8th October, you coming?". And this bamboozled me, Now, the friend who sent it has never shown any interest to me that he's into the marriage thing and all that, probably because if he sat down and talked about feelings we would have kicked his face in.

"Look, he's sad his brother's in a coma, WANKER!"

All my friends are doing mental shit, They're starting business', getting married, they're even actually keeping the children they have, it's not the world I grew up in, And I came to realize It's not the world I'd grown up in because I'm a grown up now. Which terrifies me.

I sat around panicking for like, 5 days, are all my friends are going to outgrow me? They're getting on with their grown up lives while I sit on Xbox Live arguing with 12 year olds why Batman could beat Optimus Prime in a fight. Then, in one sweet text from the same friend, A massive wave of relief came over me, it made me realize no matter what we do with our lives our good friends will always remain our friends, even if you refuse to grow up.

And the text?

His Fiancée just happens to be German.


Stay Gold.