Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Manning bar.

Well, I have found employment, and again I've taken on the role as handsome barman. Working in a pub's OK, You meet colourful characters, work with some great people and even learn tricks like charging ugly girls more for their drinks so the pretty ones think theirs are cheaper.
"Tap water? £6.50"

But you need to follow a few rules to survive, now if you're a woman these don't apply, because customers let pretty barmaids get away with whatever the fuck they want. (Whore)

Luckily, Jack's here to guide you on becoming and ace barman in a few simple steps.

Part 1. Establish the fact you work here now.

The first group that comes in, Bar the biggest member, when asked why give no reason other than "Because I said the fuck so".

Step 2. Mark your territory.

It's not only the customers you have to watch out for, make sure none of the other staff move in on your turf by repeatedly urinating in your favourite corners, taps and snacks.

My side of the street, 2007

Phase 3. Your way is the right way.

Once in a while remind everyone who's the boss, when a customer comes in and orders say, a Carling, Pour them a Strongbow and look them dead in the eye as you do it, Place the drink in front of them and even when they try to reason with you that they didn't order that drink, maintain eye contact and don't say a word, if they haven't paid in 5 minutes bar them.

Level 4. Smash the place up once in a while.

If Eastenders has taught me anything, it's that when your wife leaves you (Or you're on crack) Smashing up the bar with a bat is the best thing to do. So next time your child runs away or your brother sleeps with your wife or you just lost your Mass Effect 2 save, Smash the place up.

Lesson 5. Be yourself.

Remember not to lose who you are while taking on this advice, I only pull this off because I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, That's who I am, So don't feel so bad if you're no good at it.

Stage 5. Don't forget to have fun

"It's called a Jizztini dickhead"

Stay Gold

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