Monday, 9 April 2012

My life is like a big, drunken Fatty Arbuckle sketch.

Now incase you don't know who Fatty Arbuckle is... actually if you don't know who Fatty Arbuckle is, You're not as cool as I thought you were.

Anyway, Fatty Arbuckle was a comedy actor from the silent movie era.

And clearly a direct relative.

Fatty was the highest paid of his time, earning a cool 1 Million Dollars a year. He was known for his great comic timing and was utterly fearless when it came to daring acrobatic stunts.

If you've read my previous posts you'll know that when I have a few too many recreational beverages I get a little bit, well... OK I'm not the most articulate person... When I get shitfaced I get clumsy, stupid and vulgar. I essentially turn into a silent movie era fat guy.

The ladder, The Coatstand and The Fool.

You should know, there's no real punchline to this, you can guess what happens from the title.

So, I was drunk and I'm not going to go into it, but for some reason I was up a ladder, because when you're drunk, your natural, barbaric urges to do manly shit just overtakes your body. Climbing trees as a 10 year old is your way of showing nature who's boss. You never lose it.

That a harness? What are you a girl or somthing?

So as I said I was up a ladder, drunk, SOMEHOW I fell. Hard.

There was a wooden standing coatstand near the ladder, one of them ones with the 9 pointy tops which looks like it could come to life in a Tim Burton film. I could have fallen in pretty much any direction other than the coatstand and landed safely, but no, like some sort of comedy relief in a romantic flick, chunky lands directly on the coatstand.

And this is no joke, under my shear weight and the speed of my fall the coatstand collapsed underneath me like a car aerial, it was horrible, nothing was hurt other than my pride. And there was Tooting's most influential people there to laugh at me.

But I thought I'd share this story because my friend (I say friend, he's a dickhead) text me:

"Fat men falling on things and breaking them is my favourite comedy routine."

Wing a stranger

Now, I've fallen into a bad crowd recently, they're the type that have secret words so grown ups don't know what they're talking about and dare eachother to do stupid things.

So I was out with a few members of this new group of cool kids when one of them dared me (Although to be fair, I probably dared myself) to wingman a complete stranger. And it wasn't a normal dare, it was a double infinity dare, So y'know, I had t do it. I found an immediate candidate, someone who looked like they weren't doing to well with a member of the fairer sex.

Believe it or not, he was more hatable than this dick

So I decided to help the poor sap, make his seem more awesome than he was. So I go up to him slap him on the back and shout "JIMMY! When did you get back from Iraq!? It's me! Scott! From the 23rd! Man it's good to see you!"

Now as a brilliant master of improvisation and decption, I would of been like "Yeah, got evac'd after the the shit that went down in Latifya, Heading back next week"

War is hell

I probably fucked things up a little, he was doing better than me, He'd managed to hold a conversation with a woman for more than a minute without being slapped (Not in the good way).

But this dude just looked at me and was all like "I'm not Jimmy" and I was like "WHAT!? Come on Jimmy don't fuck about, let me get you a beer" but he was pretty persistent about him not being Jimmy. I basically handed him lady parts on a plate and he had no idea what was going on. Some people are so stupid it's unbelievable. So I just moved on and started shouting Fenton in the gaps between songs.

Pissing in a bin.

Sometimes I get drunk and piss in a bin. I'm not proud.

Stay Gold.