The Awesome Chronicles

Things I should be and why I'd be awesome at them no matter what Saeed says.

2009-02-09T18:01:00.000-08:00

Every week I have a new ambition, Every week my new ambition gets shot down by Saeed. Usually because "You don't know how to fly a plane" or "You couldn't even stick college let alone live on an ocean liner". Anyway, I think I'd be awesome at certain jobs and here's why:

Ice Road Trucker

Now despite the fact I can't drive, have no idea how trucks work, am terrible on ice and have a terrible sense of direction., I would be awesome at this job, why you may ask? The attitude friends, I got the Ice Road Trucker attitude, I'm daring, can sit down for a long time and can do CB Radio talk. Also, I'm used to eating things from packets exclusivly, my body was built for being an Ice Road Trucker, fat enough to stay warm and short enough to fit comfortably in the cab.

Private Investigator

Saeed has a few reasons for why I shouldn't do this, Mainly that I'm very clumsy, I stumble and fall pretty much everywhere I go. I can't go 5 minutes without smoking and coughing and I can't drive. However I think I'd be awesome for these reasons: I own a Trenchcoat, Due to all my years of reading Batman I have keen detective skills, I look great in a fedora and I call women dames, broads and skirts.

Prime Minister

Granted I have no idea I have no idea how politics work but I would fucking rock as PM. Wearing suits all the time, always having a big chair to sit in, ordering people about and prank calling Ken Livingstone with Boris Johnson. Apparantly there's actually some work involved and you have to be voted in or smething which means people will have to like me first, that's...to much effort.

Adventurer

I've seen all the Indiana Jones films, Look great in a half buttoned shirt and have experience fighting Nazi's and Museum curators. Saeed don't think I could do this because I get sleepy in hot weather and sleep until 4PM. He's totally wrong though right? I got mean stubble.

I'm gonna figure out how to do polls, then I'll be back.

Stay Gold.

Metal Gear Solid: The Musical

2009-01-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago my friend Saeed posted a synopsis for a Large Hadron Collider movie. So I thought instead of a normal blog I could show of some creative flair.

In a drunken state a while ago I came up with the concept of Metal Gear Solid: The musical. That night I churned out a verse like it was a well known drinking song. I can't remember the exact lyrics today but they were along the lines of this.

Allow me to set the scene: Our hero Snake and his female ally Meryl have just made it to a long corridor, upon reaching the end they'll get to their destination, they'll be able to destroy the dreaded walking tank 'Metal Gear', All of a sudden out of nowhere Meryl is shot, as it turns out, one of the best snipers in the world is at the other end of the Corridor, Snake need a Sniper rifle, so he calls his contact Otacon.

RING RING. RING RING.

OTACON: Snake?

(This part is sung)

SNAKE: Meryl's been shot, I need a new gun.

OTACON: I think I remember seeing a PSG1.

SNAKE: That'll be perfect, It'll save the day.

OTACON: You're not gonna like what I have to say.

SNAKE: She's dying here, Hurry spit it out.

OTACON: You'll be angry, without a doubt.

SNAKE: I'm angry now, where is it just say!

OTACON: It's back in (Pause) Warehouse A...

That's all I can do for now, I hope that wet your appetite, more shall follow at some point.

Subbuteo

2008-11-17T05:00:00.001-08:00

The other day while having a heated discussion with my Mum told me that working in pubs isn't apparently good enough and I should get a 'mans job'. She gives me alot of hassle my mum, I don't know why, I'm pretty sure out of her 4 children I'm the most productive. Anyway, so when I asked her the definition of a 'mans job' she said 5 days a week, 9 to 5 in a factory or something.

She then asked me what my goal was, Pfft, I don't have any goals, as far as I'm concerned as long as I got something to smoke, a place to rest my eyes and a floor to dance on i'm happy. But apparently I should have goals like on the back of a school report.

When I left the house I started thinking about what she said, maybe I should have goals, when I was young I wanted to be an actor, It wasn't an ambition but it was something I'd like to of done. I kinda grew out of that, but still like acting when someone has a film to make or something. In the last year or so I realized I enjoy writing, REALLY enjoy it, but the chances of making a career out of it are slim to nothing, it's still nice to do though.

The last 2 years I've worked in pubs, I used to enjoy it, working at night, getting drinks bought for me etc. But it's kinda a drag, most people who've worked in pubs will tell you its the one of the most thankless jobs you can do. Then there's the hours, at a time when working at night was appealing because I had prior day engagements such as college or sleeping, working nights is just a fucking hassle, you don't leave till the arse hours of the night, night buses are shit, drunk people shout at you and it's to late to cook anything when you get home.

Getting a 9 to 5 seems pretty appealing to be honest. I dunno doing what, Probably not an office, sitting in an office for 8 hours in front of a screen not being able to check Facebook isn't really suited for me, plus I don't understand excel and my PowerPoint skills are only sub-par.

I think my mum mighta been right, I think a factory would suit me, I'm not really fussy what kind so long as the wage is decent and I get smoke breaks, plus earning full time wage might have it's advantages, I'd be able to move out! Then she can't be right about me having goals or anything.

Of course, I'm not going to tell her she was right, what kind of irresponsible son would I be?

Stay gold.

Halloween

2008-11-05T19:43:00.000-08:00

Anyone that knows me knows I love Halloween, I think it's because I get to dress up like a superhero and get really drunk with a reason. This year the venue was supposed to be Shunt, a club in the old London Bridge tunnel system. so we suited up, I was dressed as Hellboy (Which was rather impressive I might add) and we jumped on the tube.

When we got to London Bridge the queue for Shunt was fucking massive. So we joined the back of the line and waited, the queue was so big a bouncer was coming through the crowd picking out people not dressed up enough (HA, I was dressed far to awesome). Eventually we were told we wouldn't be getting in due to it being fucking packed.

After standing round the station for half an hour or so we decided to make a move, now, the original line up was me, Saeed, Sam, Matt and Joel. Dressed as Hellboy, A Warrior, Saeed, Dr. Horrible and Dracula respectively. Matt and Joel told us of a party we could head too but we didn't wanna go to a house party, so they went.

Don't get me wrong, as far as bro's go, we're inseparable. But we were just hedging our bets, So Matt and Joel went to the party and we arranged to meet up if something really cool happens.

Then there were 3.

We met up with 2 of Saeeds lady's friends (I feel bad I can't remember their names now, Hang on, they won't read this so, fuck it) and decided to go to the bar near Saeed's house. We got there and it was relatively quiet so we found ourselves a spot for the night and chilled.

After...several Scotch and cokes later I realized a few things,

1. The black community love me (Or, maybe Hellboy)
2. Saying daddy's home to women isn't an effective pick up line (But it's funny)
3. Covering my hand in red face paint and going for a piss straight after may not of been wise, but made my costume that much more Realistic.
4. Accusing your friends of replacing much loved Scotch with Diet Coke will not get them to buy you more Scotch, even if you think they did.

It was a pretty awesome night, on the way back we went to some place that do Kebab things, which, I essentially turned into a chicken Sandwich. The worst thing in the world though, is showering when you're a wee bit drunk, it's like an instant fucking hangover I wouldn't recommend it.

Well readers, that's enough of an insight into my life for now, I#m gonna go watch Ghost.

Stay Gold.

Jack Sparling: Road Warrior.

2008-09-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had an experience which will stay with me forever. I was a White Van man for the day, I was helping my friend Dave with his delivery load. Which means I got to shout such things as "Choose a fucking lane!" and "Fucking honk your horn again you cunt!"

It was brilliant, did you know North of North London there's little village towns? Well, I was amazed anyway.

It was pretty easy, Dave did all the driving and I just got out and brought boxes to restaurants, and blagged free cokes. It was nice though, I wouldn't mind doing it as a job, I think I'm gonna start learning to drive soon and be some sort of courier or delivery person for a while and see how I like it, then marry Leah Remini.

I've wanted a 9 to 5 for a while now, no more pubs for me, the main problem is finding a job I enjoy, I've had a lot of jobs, well about 8 to be specific, but out of all of them I only ever enjoyed 1 of them, which was in a DVD shop. I didn't do much I just stood around on the shop floor and told people what to buy.

The quest goes on,

I realize this post is a bit lazily written and not very good so...

Hear about that bloke in the Paralympics who got disqualified?

He was using WD40.

Sleep is not a friend of mine.

2008-09-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

God, I have such problems sleeping, Now, I can nap like a motherfucker, but sleep is different, and for those who don't know the difference here's a quick guide.

Naps don't take place in a bed, they take place on a sofa or comfy chair for example.
Naps last 4 hours max, otherwise it's sleep, unless you're on a plane.
Napping with a guy is perfectly acceptable.
Powernaps must not take place anywhere but an office

So yeah, sleep, I never really got on with it, I can't sleep properly, I must of missed a jab at school or something. You see when I wanna sleep because say, I got something to do the next day, I can't. Not because I have something to do and I'm nervous, I think it's just my body wants revenge on all the manwiches and cigarettes.

And when I eventually drift off? No good, I'm awake an hour or two later because of what are called night terrors, Laugh away but put yourself in my shoes, Think if you will on your worst nightmare, it's like that on a shit load of acid.

Not sleeping does have its advantages though, and I've learnt alot about myself from it, I learnt that I love watching baseball. Also my room gets tidy, my washing get's done and my dog gets played with (Not an innuendo). I'm not an insomniac though, like every 3rd blogger claims to be, I do get to sleep but just a irrelevant times. say, I got to sleep at 7:30AM. at 8:15 you know my dad's coming through that door because he has to much time on his hands. So I'm awake all day, maybe take a nap around 4, which means I'll be up all night. Once or twice a week though a thing of beauty happens, I have a "Catch up sleep", where basically, I sleep most of the day, great isn't it.

And another thing, I miss being able to take naps without getting the shit kicked outta you verbally, I used to come home from school, kick of my shoes put Mona the Vampire on and nap for about 3 hours, I do that now and my mum comes in the room and gives me shit about doing nothing with myself blah blah blah, I was doing something with myself... having a nap.

In other news my birthday was awesome, I gotta give it to my bro's and Ho's they know how to treat me, They gave me a suprise birthday party two weeks beforehand, which was great and had never happened before. Then on the actual day (That's the 30th of August yall, mark your calendars) we went out and was generally awesome.

Well that's all for now.

Good night and good luck.

Awesome stuff happening.

2008-08-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

Part 1, Filming.

I can't talk to much about what we're filming, but it's awesome. I can say it's called 'Jak in the Box' and it's gonna be awesome, While filming I had to make a rather large Sandwich, or as I like to call it, The Manwich.

Part 2, The Manwich.

The Manwich was amazing, I cooked 3 burgers, then I sliced them. I then toasted 4 clices of bread and microwaved some beans. I stacked it like so:

Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast

I didn't wanna make this but it was for the film, But that doesn't stop it from being hella balls-to-the-wall tasty.

Part 3. Drinking with Clint.

Yesterday I was suited up and looking REAL sharp, Black Suit, White Shirt, Black slim tie. When Clint say's you look good, you look good, Clint hates to compliment anyone. So we were bored and Clint wanted to head to a bar, So we headed to Wimbledon looking sharp. It was a good night, there was drink's, flirting and Burger King.

Part 4. Antics at Clint's.

We headed back to Clint's and his parents were home from having a bit of a session themselves. James insisted that we do Break Break Dancing. Now Break Break Dancing (Or BBD) involves putting your shoes on the wrong feet and a boxing glove on the wrong hand. Oh, did I mention that you have to break dance while you hit eachother? So the night went on and Clint was Fighting his 11 year old brother when he broke his wrist again. He won't live that one down in a while.

Clint went to the hospital this morning and he's gonna need a cast (Again).

So that was some stuff that happened recently. Hope you enjoyed, I know I did.

P.S. Pictures of the Manwich will be along soon.

Job Hunting

2008-07-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

Job hunting is easily one of the most tedious things you have to do. You put on some nice smart/casual clothes and dredge around shopping centres with your bag of CV's looking for a job you won't hate as much as your last one. The thing is I have no particular skills either, yeah I can pull a pint but anyone could after watching someone else do it, doesn't matter, I've had enough of pubs anyway, stealing drinks isn't worth constantly pissed of managers getting angry at you because there's no customers.

And you hand in a CV to anywhere that looks like a doddle like Natural World. then there's places you actually wanna work, like HMV or Game where you imagine it would be like High Fidelity but they never call back. Or you go to a cinema and talk to the actual manager and hand your CV in person and you thought they would give you a job because you made them laugh. So you go home and the next day you get a phone call...

"Hello is that Jack Sparling?"
"Err, Yes" (Please don't be Debt Collectors, please don't be debt collectors. wait could this be UCI?)
"Hi this is John the manager from stationary world..."

Stationary world? which in my opinion would probably be worse than pouring a bottle of Tressemae into your eyes.

You always get a call from the place where you handed in a CV for the sake of it, and I'm so polite I can't refuse an interview for it, so I just don't go to the interview, in the long run I just end up feeling guilty everytime I buy a pen.

What I do with my days.

2008-07-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a standard day for me.

1pm-3pm: Wake up, makes myself breakfast, which usually includes either

Beans on toast towered
Warm cornflakes
Bacon sarnie
Caff fry up
Peanut butter on toast

Then I sit in my chair in my dressing gown watching the Dave channel eating and smoking to much. I usually get a call round this time by GL telling me I should come over because he's bored.

3pm-4pm: I hop in the bath to clean myself and sing choruses to songs I don't remember the verses too.

4pm-1am: I pretty much hang out with GL all evening, we watch Dave while ignoring eachother because we have nothing new to talk about. We sometimes play Smash Bros. but really it's just us trying to rekindle a friendship way past it's sell by date. But it's nice for us to have company.

1am-5am I go home and cook something not good for me such as a plateful of chips, a pack of turkey drummers and a can of beans. I then sit down and watch The Black Donnellys, Father Ted and Curb your enthusiasm (depending on the day).

Then I'll flick on the Playstation and play Harvest moon, tending to my farm and family and play that until I hear either the birds tweeting or see the sun start to rise.

I then go to bed listening to either Tony Hancock, Akira the Don, Blonde from Fargo, Johnny Cash or Blues Brother Soul Sister.

Well I hope that was a useful insight.

Good night and good luck.

Summer,

2008-07-01T12:51:00.001-07:00

I'm not a fan to be honest. It's too hot to wear a coat, I'm to fat to wear a T-shirt and I just sit around sweating all day. I've got nothing to do except sit around sweating and drinking Fanta. It has been a good summer for video games however. But they're all too short. which means I have nothing to do apart from sit around sweating waiting for the Dark Knight to come out.

I need a new job, so far my best idea has been supervillain, But I only have a small criminal record and no superheroes to battle with. I don't wanna go on the doll, Mitcham Blockbusters has closed down and apparantly you cant get money for giving blood.I wanna move out but I need a decent job before doing so, then no one will have my adress (Huzzah!).

It's been a dissapointment all round to be honest.

Bro-less

2008-06-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

It would appear that my Bro's have abandoned me.

Now you may ask why would someone as awesome as me be abandoned by his fellow bro's?
Well, I'll indulge you, It's all over the greatest gaming revolution of our time, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

My bro's and I love Metal Gear, However it would be the thing to tear us apart. Why you may ask? Jealousy.

I was lucky enough to be able to play (And complete I might add) the game. My bro's, angry that I've become part of a revolution before them.

And I thought Bromanship was about more than games.

The fortress of Awesometude.

2008-06-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

My room, is awesome.

There's no denying it, the poster of Army of Darkness, my giant stack of videos, the strategically placed ashtrays. It's a palace.

Unfortunatly, once in a while, palace's get breached.

My room being downstairs means it's next to the Kitchen and Garden, Which means anything that goes into "Temporary storage" or washing baskets ends up in my room. this bugs me. Currently in my room are a dishwasher, a freezer, a tumbledryer (All of which we don't use) and a bunch of washing baskets full of clothes which aren't mine (My suits are hand washed)

I'm getting fucking sick and tired of this, I also have to put up with my sisters hassleing me all the time about shit, They wonder why I spend so much time away from home. If I can go back and not to speak to anyone for the rest of the night I may go to sleep relatively hate free.

A dog named Barney.

2008-06-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

Let me first explain that suits equal awesome. Suits plus Jack & Coke equals Awesomechronicles material.

Me and a few bro's had arranged to go to a Gallery/Venue/Bar/Club in the old underground system of London Bridge.

To make this post interesting I'm going to write it in chapters.

Chapter 1.
Preperation.

One of my Bro's clint came with me to help color co-ordinate my suit buying decisions. We shoot the shit, buy some clothes, I buy some comics and we head back. I suit up.

Chapter 2.
Journey.

Suited up, Smelling as sharp as I look, and a skip in my step I leave the pad and head to the tube station, Halfway through my tube journey one of my Bro's who I presumed would be meeting me there got on my carriage.

Chapter 3.
Dissapointment

I was stunned to see my Bro M get on the tube without a Suit.

This chapter things getting really boring.

Upon arrival me and M went through a small door near the tube station, after paying £10 we found ourselves walking through a long, dark corridor/Archway. Thinking my daydreams had come true I was prepared for a Zombie atack (this didn't happen).

After meeting up with my other Bro's we decided to hit the bar, And me and S hit the bar a wee bit harder than M, It all got a little blurry from there.

(Awesome) Things I remember:

Being told I'm not allowed to hang with my Bro's until I got myself a chair, and (for some reason) following these orders.

Petting a stuffed toy dog named Barney.

Losing a girl.

Harrasing women by going up to them and saying "Ladies, Daddy's home"

Explaining the plot of Enemy Mine to S who didn't believe it was a real film.

Awesome rating 8/10.

I could of been arrested this morning.

2008-06-04T04:29:00.000-07:00

A few months back I got in trouble with the law, It's no major all I did was skip some train fines.

My sister just called me and told me a man came round to arrest me, luckily due to my evasion skills and partially due to my laziness I wasn't at home. I have a £116 fine to pay. I'm just worried if I pay it and the arrest warrant clears I'll lose street cred. Then I started wondering if the man who went to my house was a bounty hunter.

I want to be a bounty hunter...

My blog outline

2008-06-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

This is my blog, it's awesome.

Basically, my blog is going to either be about stuff that's happened to me, or stuff I find funny or want to rant about.

Today I was locked out of my friends house where I was staying for the day. I had one task for the day: go to the shop and buy some filters, that's it, easy. My instructions were simple take the money and keys, go to the shop and return. Long story short due to a distracting phone call I locked myself out, this was 2 O'Clock, My pal Saeed doesn't finish work until half 5. not knowing what to do I went to the pub for a lonely pint, mainly because I wanted to be warm and sheltered from the rain (Like a tramp).

That lasted all about 20 minutes so I left, and decided to walk to Putney. It's a few miles but I had nothing else to do. It was raining all day, and not the cool movie rain, the drizzley boring rain. When asked for some direction this posh bloke gave me a lift in his massive Land Rover, with the hopes he didn't want a 'favor' in return, Got to my friends work and people thought I was Eastern European apparently, which due to the awesomeness of Niko Bellic (If you don't know who that is buy GTA4 now) I don't consider a bad thing.

It was a pretty uneventful day, I spent most of it wondering whether to shave my head due to watching 'This Is England' last night.