The Awesome Chronicles

Berlin, Prince and Thai food.

2011-12-07T02:32:00.000Z

OK, I admit, recently I have been lazy, but I've been really really busy recently.

SUPER BUSY

So, new plans, I should fill you in.

Berlin.
I'm moving to Berlin, based solely on someone telling me how awesome and cheap it is out there, I plan on flying out April 1st. I decided to post my intentions here, so if I don't go through with it people can laugh at me and call me a failure (more than they do normally anyway)

That is all from new plans. Next, new developments.

Prince
Recently, I'm all about his royal badness: Prince, I don't know what it is, I've never disliked Prince but at the same time I've never gone out of my way to listen to him. But a few months ago while working my main man Saj came into the pub to empty the machines, I ask him to load up the Jukebox with a load of credits as it's going to be a quiet afternoon. The problem is when there's thousands of tracks staring me in the face I can't think of one song I want to listen to at that time. So I just start typing, before you know it I've loaded up Purple Rain.

But for the next few months I can't get Princes original Nothing Compares 2 U out of my head, Day and night I wake up with Prince in my head, I'm either going insane or I have a tumour.

Then one night last week I'm flicking through the channels and Purple Rain's on BBC four, part of some American music culture season, It's right at the end of the film and I would die 4 U is on and I can't stop doing the dance to it round my room. For the next few days I scoured BBC fours listings for a repeat, which I eventually found. I was so captivated watching it I didn't eat for 2 hours.

I think it's down to my friend who really looks like Prince moving to Australia and it's my sadness manifesting itself in the form of a symbol.

Thai Food
When you're taken away from an environment of Jerk Chicken, Greasy Spoons and pub food you really change as a person, you watch rugby, discuss awnings and go to restaurants with tablecloths where they give you chocolates with the bill.

Last night was the staff Christmas do and although I didn't want to go I was offered free booze. We went to a Thai restaurant and after scouring the menu for something I can eat without needing to punch the chef for putting something green on my plate,

"Fuck is that?"

So I ordered a steak dish in a sweet and sour sauce with some egg fried rice and some ribs on the side, now for most people that's not to exciting but for me its a huge step, Mainly because my diet consists of Viennetta, bacon and advent calender chocolate. Not only that, I had a glass of fucking WINE with dinner, without Vimto in it.

I'm growing guys, I'm cultured and can go into restaurants. Dangerzone.

Stay Gold.

Broadstairway to heaven.

2011-08-29T23:48:00.000+01:00

So, it was that time, folk week, Broadstairs. But to proceed in the fun of Broadstairs Folk week weekend, I had to endure the atrocity of camping. These are reasons I don't understand you white people and your obsession with camping.

The people.
Why do people go camping for fun? In my case it was necessary, folk weeks on and everyone else is doing it. But get this, there were people there doing it for fun, it makes no sense. Because it's not getting back to nature, it's sitting in a cornered off part of a Field looking at other people sitting in another cornered off bit of a Field getting pissed off that you didn't have the foresight to bring a swingball set.

The shared toilets and shower block.
Respect where it's due, the block at the campsite where we were was well maintained and clean, but still, I don't need to hear people having BBQ food dumps while I'm brushing my teeth. Then there's the button controlled showers, Every time you got a good rhythm of scrubbing going the mother fucker stops and everyone can here you crying to yourself because you'll be sleeping in a Field that night.

No fires
Every time I go round my friend Jon's place, he gets a fire going, rain wind or shine, I think he has problems, but nonetheless it's just a nice thing to sit around But no, not at a campsite, god forbid we ruin their precious grass, benders.

You're stuck in a tent
If it rains, there is nothing else to do other than sit in your tent. With the smells emanating from me due to eating nothing but BBQ food and drinking scotch, plus the monsters crawling around my tent, I want to spend as little time in there as possible. Simple as.

Not even a decent support to do a Carradine

But, at the end of every tunnel there's light, and in this case, it was the fun that was had in town. Now, I done a bottle of scotch before we went out on Saturday night, so things were hazy, but the following happened.

1. We bar mitzvah someone in the conservatory of a club
2. We went on the Rory everywhere
3. I asked countless women back to my tent, they all declined, when I asked one lady why this was happening she said "Because you're the size of a fucking tent" I wanted to marry her.
4. I told everyone in a kebab shop to shut up, and they did.
5. 5 minutes later in said kebab shop this annoying twat got lamped by this geezer built like a tank. quality.

I vaguely recollect foot stomping to some folk music too. Good weekend.

Stay Gold

"Let's face it, we're never really gonna be friends"

2011-07-02T00:14:00.010+01:00

So, I've moved to the illustrious Reigate, which is a strange place, it's quiet and the people are nice, I have to go all the way pack to Mitcham for a £3 prostitute.

I don't have any friends here, which is new for me, being the social magnet I am, I'm used to being surrounded by people which admire and respect me for my intellectual and athletic prowess.

Specially my Athletic Prowess

See, I came to Reigate for work a few months ago, my good friend Harry got me the job. And Reigate's just outside the M25, so as far as my friends and family are concerned, I might aswell live in Heartbeat.

So Harry got me the job and he lived nearby so we'd hang out alot, but after a month of working together he decided to be selfish and take his family to the Isle of Wight for a better life. Dick.

Reigate's changed me too, I had Tapas the other day, who the fuck shares food?

I can't really make friends either, Problem is I've already burned most of my bridges when it comes to making friends with some of the other members of staff. This is pretty much how a conversation went the other day.

Me: You added me on facebook
Her: Yeah
Me: Why?
Her: So we can be friends.
Me: Let's face it, we're never gonna really be friends.
Her: What? Why?
Me: Honestly it's nothing personal but lets face it, neither of us are gonna be here forever, we just work together, you have children
Her: I have a child, yes.
Me: We're never gonna hang out are we? We're not gonna go for drinks, or see films, I'm just being honest, people call me rude all the time but it's just honesty, how many friends have you still got from your first job? Real friends not facebook friends?
Her: Let's go for a drink then,
Me: Nah you're alright.

Then I went back to playing Alleyway on my phone.

Jack Sparling: dickhead.

And you know I'm right, you go to a party and people add you afterwards, you accept to be polite and if you're one of these optimists you're all like "this could be the start to a new friendship" whereas if you're like me you're more like "She's fit, wonder if she's got holiday pictures"

And you can't make friends when you're our age, you're at this weird part of life. You made all your friends at school or college and you're not old enough to be friends with a neighbour or someone you've worked with at the kelloggs factory for 15 years.

So it appears I'm a fucking grown up now, I'm in a place now where you don't see your friends everyday and you have to arrange for somewhere to sleep if you go to a party.

Stay Gold

Holy fuck-up Batman!

2011-05-31T13:38:00.006+01:00

So, I've never really been a fan of Smallville, I watched it occasionally when it first started and watched the odd episode where there was another hero involved, but a week or so ago was the Series Finale so I thought I should watch.

It was so bad it made me want to remove my Superman Tattoo with a cheese grater and blood sacrifice my comics to Alan Moore.

He'd be SO up for it.

And it got me to thinking, How is it out of all of the comic books adaptions out there only a handful are worth watching? How do these big budget films get made without a key grip or something going up to a director and saying "Yo, why does the Batsuit have nipples?" or "So, Judge Dredd's taking off his helmet" and "right, so who's Superman going to fight?".

And yeah, I get that some things won't work on film just because they work in comics, that's understandable, not everything can translate properly. But was there really a need for a dance number in Spiderman 3?

It doesn't make sense how these get fucked up,

let's take Superman returns for example, which on paper, looked like it was going to be amazing, Bryan Singer? Awesome, I loved X-Men. Great cast, Spacey playing Luthor? Perfect! brilliant visuals, set between Superman II & III, whoa, what? What happened?

How did that happen?

Studio Exec: Bryan, We're big fans, loved what you did with X-men, we really enjoyed it,
Bryan Singer: Oh, thanks, what can I do for you?
Studio Exec: Well, as you saw Batman Begins was a huge success and gave us a chance to reboot a serious character and forget all about the mistakes in the past.
Bryan Singer: OK
Studio Exec: So we've decided to kick start the Superman franchise, and we want you at the helm
Bryan Singer: Wow, yeah sure i had some ideas for this anyway, It's set between Superman II and III, yeah the Christopher Reeves ones, Lex Luthor wants real estate and the fight at the end will be between Superman and a rock
Studio Exec: Brilliant! Here's 200 Million dollars, now, don't go spending any of that on comics or anything silly.
Bryan Singer: Ha! No worries there!

I should point out that Superman has been in publication for OVER 70 YEARS! 70 years of rich history and they couldn't have chosen anything better than Lex Luthor getting involved in a real estate scam.

Seriously, anything would have been better,

The sad thing is Superman Returns is just one example of many, For Every Dark Knight or Iron Man there's 5 Ghost Riders. So I'm going to end this with some advice to the studios:

Guy's, I know making movies can't be easy, And I respect you, but when it comes to Superhero films you have to understand that comic book fans are some of the most passionate fans out there, we keep buying shit even when they kill off and resurrect our favourite characters every few years, we know we're getting mugged off but we care about this stuff, and we know you have to reach a wider audience than just the fans but surely there's compromise? What I'm trying to say is, Just let Christopher Nolan do everything from now on, K?

Stay Gold.

Manning bar.

2011-05-17T18:55:00.006+01:00

Well, I have found employment, and again I've taken on the role as handsome barman. Working in a pub's OK, You meet colourful characters, work with some great people and even learn tricks like charging ugly girls more for their drinks so the pretty ones think theirs are cheaper.

"Tap water? £6.50"

But you need to follow a few rules to survive, now if you're a woman these don't apply, because customers let pretty barmaids get away with whatever the fuck they want. (Whore)

Luckily, Jack's here to guide you on becoming and ace barman in a few simple steps.

Part 1. Establish the fact you work here now.

The first group that comes in, Bar the biggest member, when asked why give no reason other than "Because I said the fuck so".

Step 2. Mark your territory.

It's not only the customers you have to watch out for, make sure none of the other staff move in on your turf by repeatedly urinating in your favourite corners, taps and snacks.

My side of the street, 2007

Phase 3. Your way is the right way.

Once in a while remind everyone who's the boss, when a customer comes in and orders say, a Carling, Pour them a Strongbow and look them dead in the eye as you do it, Place the drink in front of them and even when they try to reason with you that they didn't order that drink, maintain eye contact and don't say a word, if they haven't paid in 5 minutes bar them.

Level 4. Smash the place up once in a while.

If Eastenders has taught me anything, it's that when your wife leaves you (Or you're on crack) Smashing up the bar with a bat is the best thing to do. So next time your child runs away or your brother sleeps with your wife or you just lost your Mass Effect 2 save, Smash the place up.

Lesson 5. Be yourself.

Remember not to lose who you are while taking on this advice, I only pull this off because I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, That's who I am, So don't feel so bad if you're no good at it.

Stage 5. Don't forget to have fun

"It's called a Jizztini dickhead"

Stay Gold

Mitcham will be the first stepping stone in the robot uprising.

2011-05-05T20:23:00.005+01:00

I'm big, I'll be the first to admit it, I thought it was such an unfair advantage having such a huge penis and being so handsome I decided to gain weight, to give everyone else a chance. But I'm fairly active, I try and keep busy, I do alot of walking and wrestling for example. My last job in Hospital Warehouse kept me busy, Lifting boxes, carrying things around the hospital, avoiding day to day rape from the boys.

My only solace was a wistful black man.

But Mitchamites have gone to far now, I've noticed a massive increase in mobility scooters, Earlier, on my way to the bus stop (5 minute walk) I noticed no less than 4 people on mobility scooters, and, granted 2 of these people were old.

But the other 2 were what pissed me off.

1 of these people was just proper fat, I swear the seat was re-enforced and still buckling. How can someone let themselves get like that? When the day comes that I get back from Meat and Butter shopping and I'm huffing and puffing because I was on my feet for more than 3 minutes, I won't think to myself "I'll get a scooter" I'll think "Get to that fucking gym fatty"

The other one's worse, this woman, and I don't know if I'll be able to describe what I mean. But just by looking at her, I can tell she was just plain old lazy. You know the type, one of these hypochondriacs who's decided they're 50 and fuck it, they deserve a scooter instead of walking around, they tell their kids and friends they need it because they've "Been in and out of the Doctors" and "You know what my knees like", Yeah, I do, because it's like mine, fine, you fucking liar.

I'm all for progress, but these machine are just making us worse and lazier. Time was, if you got too fat, scooters wasn't a choice, you either lost weight or walked around while children laughed/used you as a portable parasol.

And these lazy hypochondriac women, if you were really ill you'd be in the hospital, not whizzing into Greggs trying to go in front of me. Word of advice, When I want my Sausage roll, I don't give a good god damn how much your 'illness' affects you, I'm not moving. Bitch.

I genuinely don't think they should be for sale to the public, they should only be available on the NHS (Y'know, for someone who actually needs one).

They're a fucking menace, and I'm not just saying this because one of them whacked into the back of me today, they always have been, They shouldn't be allowed out during the hours I'm awake (6 P.M - 9 A.M), and building a lane for them is out of the question, the only solution to these fucking cyborgs is eradication by cliff.

Fuuuuuuuck, you.

Stay Gold

Grow up? Jog on.

2011-05-01T00:40:00.008+01:00

It's not like I'm not already on a watchlist, so I may aswell share my views on the Royal Wedding.

As I write this, for some reason people are still talking about the Royal Wedding yesterday, I managed to get myself in a 100% ignorance bubble with the help of Cigarettes, Xbox and Whiskey so as far as I know Prince Phillip shat himself during the ceremony. And I really couldn't give a shit.

Now, I consider myself a Patriot (I say patriot because calling yourself a nationalist has become synonymous with being a racist, which is just plain retarded), I bleed Britain, but I absolutely have no time for the Royal family. Apparently we're all created equal yet I'm expected to bow to any royal which stumbles into my favourite brothel? Equality my arse.

Wedding Fever must be spreading, the other day I was awoken with a text from a friend, "Getting Married 8th October, you coming?". And this bamboozled me, Now, the friend who sent it has never shown any interest to me that he's into the marriage thing and all that, probably because if he sat down and talked about feelings we would have kicked his face in.

"Look, he's sad his brother's in a coma, WANKER!"

All my friends are doing mental shit, They're starting business', getting married, they're even actually keeping the children they have, it's not the world I grew up in, And I came to realize It's not the world I'd grown up in because I'm a grown up now. Which terrifies me.

I sat around panicking for like, 5 days, are all my friends are going to outgrow me? They're getting on with their grown up lives while I sit on Xbox Live arguing with 12 year olds why Batman could beat Optimus Prime in a fight. Then, in one sweet text from the same friend, A massive wave of relief came over me, it made me realize no matter what we do with our lives our good friends will always remain our friends, even if you refuse to grow up.

And the text?

His Fiancée just happens to be German.

Stay Gold.

Stupid things are annoying me now, I'm evidently turning into my nan.

2011-04-09T01:27:00.008+01:00

I'm getting irritable in my old age. Over really stupid things, In my typical stolen format fashion, I'm going to go through them and let you know why they annoy me, more than likely outing myself as massive hypocrite while I'm at it too.

People not answering their phone.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm pretty fucking awful with my phone, if you call me 9 out of 10 times I won't answer. Usually because I've either left it in my favourite crack den or I'm in one of my my moods where I plain old don't want to talk to anyone.

Occasionally I need to call someone because I need a lift or can't remember who I lent my hooker shovel to.

"Ha! Sure, Tuesday sounds good, By the way have you

got my hooker shovel? It happened again"

I hate using the phone, it's impersonal, you can't read peoples reactions and my deadpan delivery and comic timing suffers. So, when I call you, it's a big deal, you should answer quickly and with enthusiasm. For some reason it really bothers me, so a note for the future folks, when I ring, answer within 3 rings, of you WILL lose my friendship.

People talking to you with one earphone in
This really winds me up, is my conversation with you THAT boring that you need the Glee cast destroying another rock classic in the other ear? I think it's just rude, this is the sole reason everything's fucking up, the worlds tearing itself apart because The UN are so rude most of them are doing just this instead of trying to solve their problems.

"Shut up Carla, Edward's about to propose to Bella"

'Women' who do their make-up in public
Look, women. What the fuck is going on? The amount of times I've seen women on the tube or in an office doing their make-up, save that shit for home, you're taking away all the mystery. We know that you don't naturally look that good, but we like to believe you do. I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but if only there was some sort of way women could know how to conduct themselves in modern society.

If only...

Dennis Quaids career.
Top of your head, name 5 Dennis Quaid films. Shoot, some of you probably don't even know who he is, Google him, I'll wait. Yeah, that guy. I love Dennis Quaid, I think he's a talented guy, he's a great leading man. But for some reason, his career never took off as much as it should have. This upsets me, I don't imagine it's as many peoples concern as mine and Quaids agent, but I think everyone should know who he is. I will fix this.

Well, those are a few things that bother me, they may seem small but they're bothering me more and more these days, I don't know if it's age or the fact just an angry, angry fucker, but it feels better I got it out there.

Stay Gold.

I'm not god damn living enough.

2011-04-05T04:00:00.005+01:00

Here's the thing, I'm 22, Every day I get closer and closer to 23, which is practically middle aged for my people. And yeah, I've had some fun, got a few stories (The Snowman, The po na na table fiasco, The OAP molestation incident), but I'm still not living enough.

Every other fucker is having more fun than me, and i know why.

I don't go out as much as I used too, I miss going out and getting so shitfaced beating up a midget believing he was Yoda seemed like a good Idea.

Moments after the 'incident'

I'm wasting my youth sitting round playing playstation (Which granted, will come in useful when Korea take over). So I'm making a pact, when I'm working again, at least once a month I'll rally the troops, go out, and drink so much that challenging a prostitute to a whore off will be the least of my troubles in the morning. The old reckless shit I was ever so fond of.

I've been having many lengthy talks with a friend recently about the need for alcohol, and as much as I hate to admit it, he's right, it does lubricate the cogs of the fun bus/police van. I think everyone should get involved, And I'll tell you one thing, 9 out of 10 times you do need alcohol to have a good time, And if you're one of them "I don't need to drink to have a good time, I think it's funnier to stay sober and see what all the drunk people do" people, you my friend, are not part of the party, and also a giant fanny. You're not part of the beautiful moments where everyone else is the room is so balls to the wall drunk that human pyramids just fucking happen.

So I'm going to start living again, get a few more stories for the blog (But remember, I'm doing this for me, not you dickhead), as soon as I have an occupation.

Here's to reckless partying.

And some of the down right nasty roads it can lead you down

Stay Gold

Jacknaphobia

2011-03-18T02:32:00.002Z

Believe it or not, but this big, handsome statuesque figure is scared of a few things, Vegetarian food, Kim Jong Un, wilderbeast stampedes, y'know, the usual stuff. But I want to talk about what I'm scared of the most. Spiders. I thought it would be therapeutic to talk it through, also it's good for you meer mortals to see that when you peel away the layers of awesome and bacon, I'm just like you guys.

I don't even play with this shit, Even the word makes me check the corners of the room for these abominations. Ever since I was a kid they've terrified me, I don't know why but just the thought of them 8 legged dicks makes me shudder. What terrifies me the most is their resistance to everything. Now, we all know where the worst spiders come from, the land that god forgot, Australia.

This is given to every Australian child at birth

I've come to two conclusions when it comes to Australia,
1. Never go to Australia
2. Australians are fucking crazy.

As we know there were massive floods in Australia not so long ago, or it's still happening. I don't pay much attention. Anyway, I saw some of the flood pictures, I noticed one thing all the pictures had in common.

You see any spider corpses? Me either. According to national geographic or something else I can't be bothered to look up, there's over 200 bazillion fajillion spiders that can kill you in Australia alone, yet there's no corpses floating on the water where are they all? Which means there's only one conclusion.

"Where do we go? Anywhere we want!
Let's start with Jacks house"

Or hiding or whatever. Here's what Scares me about spiders the most. They've managed to dominate Land, Sea (As proven above) and air.

He will look for you
He will find you
And he will scare the fuck out of you

That's a fucking bird. Birds can fly, They have no restrictions of where they soar. Yet the spiders still manage to get them. These 8 legged Terminators have stopped caring about the laws of nature and decency. We need to stamp them out. So do what you can people, throw on some DM's and stamp around in the wilderness, we all need to do our part.

Stay Gold

Day 30: your highs and lows of the past month.

2011-03-14T02:45:00.001Z

No. This is fucking stupid, 13 days ago I done a blog on highs and lows of the past year. If anything significant happened this month, it would of been in the day 17 blog! Ridiculous.

Low point: Being so attention deprived I started the 30 day challenge.

High Point: Finishing the 30 day challenge.

I'm actually quite impressed I did it, I think the only reason I did it was because Saeed said I wouldn't, he doesn't care that I did or that I proved him wrong, So I don't really know who won here. And I haven't learnt any lessons or anything.

I know it will be hard for you to go with a blog once a week, but fingers crossed, they'll actually be good, Quality not quantity innit.

I've been thinking about career paths recently, I think I want to try and take up writing (Don't worry Holly, I'm still looking for a real job). I like writing and I like to think I have a flair for it, you're reading this aren't you (Unless you're just reading this to be supportive, thanks mum!)? The good thing about writing is you can work at Primark and have an excuse to be a drunk "I'll have you know I am a writer". Shit, like you need an excuse to drink if you work at Primark anyway.

Hell, if it doesn't work out there's I could always fulfil my second biggest ambition.

Stay Gold.

Day 29: Goals for the next 30 days.

2011-03-14T00:15:00.002Z

God I hate this blog.

I don't tend to set myself goals, I'm usually to lazy to achieve them. I'll give it a whirl nonetheless, I'll make it clear now, it's more than likely I won't bother achieving these goals or even make any attempt to attain them. Who actually sets themselves goals?

Get a god damned job.
This is the one goal I actually want to accomplish, if you've read previous posts you'll know I can't seem to find a damn job. I don't know why it's so hard to find a job where I can show up when I want, smoke, take extended lunch breaks and go home when I get tired. People are right, there's really nothing out there.

Maintain the blog.
Despite my hatred for some of the questions (Which were seemingly written by a slow 9 year old) I have enjoyed flaring my awesome artistic side more regularly. I think I'm gonna try and post once a week, this time on subjects I want to write. I'm going to talk about the serious matter affecting the world, Such as 'Monster munch vs McCoys' and 'Do we really need pandas?" Actually that was a joke but thinking about it, Do we really need pandas?

Fuck you

Continue my work disproving psychics and mediums.

Personal reasons.

Read a non fiction book.

I've only read 2 or 3 non fiction books, Cash (Johnny Cash biography), An Elvis biography and a few real life mysteries. I'm just drawn to fiction more, god forbid I learn something right?

Be more like Leon from Curb your Enthusiasm.

Stay Gold.

Day 28: Something that you miss

2011-03-13T00:50:00.000Z

The further on this challenge gets the more retarded and poorly thought out the questions get.

I'm generally not one for nostalgia, but if I think about it, there are certain things I miss, I try not get to muddled up in it though, no point looking any other place but around you. Here's a few things I miss.

Summers when I was younger.

Summer was great, Hanging around with your friends, out all day and night, laying around on the grass. Really simple stuff, which people can't seem to do these days without an ipad or DS, I dunno, It's progression, but technology is killing old fashioned fun. When I was a kid, one summer me and 3 of my friends just went into the woods looking for a dead kid, simpler, better times.

...Yes, I was the fat one

School.

School was great right? Easily one of the most important times of your life. When I think back to school I don't think about what I learnt or other coming of age nonsense, and sure I can't point out Belgium on a map, But I remember all the fun I had, Like smashing each others hands with our copies of "A view from the Bridge" and that dog we killed behind the sports hall.

Not giving a shit about jobs.

You know how it is, between the age of about 16 and 20 you work in shops and pubs and you don't give a shit whether you get fired or even do a good job. I miss the lack of responsibility, now when I sleep at work I have to hide it.

My dad.

I'd never bought up my dad in my blog until a few posts ago, he died nearly 2 years ago. First let's clear things up, I started the blog to get girls, not to talk about my feelings. But, as the subject matter is things that I miss, Might as well drop an emotion bomb on ya'll. But yeah, He was a good laugh and I miss him the most.

Keep in mind though kids, looking back at things does you no good, don't look into the past or future, concentrate on what's going on now. Also, looking into the past can be bad for you, you might remember that time you were felt up by Postman Pat.

Stay Gold.

Day 27: A problem you have had.

2011-03-12T02:31:00.000Z

My penis is to damn big.

Only playing, that's not a problem, I just like talking about it.

Pffft, how much time have you got? I'm great at solving problems, providing they're in some sort of videogame format, otherwise I'm pretty fucking useless, here's a couple of ongoing problems I've been having.

Unemployable.

for some reason people don't

want to give this man a job

Over the past weeks I have applied for dozens of jobs, despite this, All I've had back is one reply, which was a no. All I need is an interview, I'll let my smooth talking, devilish smile and eccentric charm do the rest. I think the problem is I'm to talented, either that or I need to stop putting "Jungle survival skills" on application forms.

I still don't have superpowers

"The last son of Wimpy"

To this day I still genuinely believe I will, someday, have powers. Yet everyday I wake up with the bitter disappointment that the only super thing about me is my huge penis.

Lack of motivation

"I put on a tie, as far as I'm concerned I achieved

all of today's goals"

As sad as it may sound, these past 27 days are as motivated I've been in the last, god knows how long. I'm not motivated by money, things or people. I'm like Buddha or something, but better looking.

Well, that's just a small insight into some of my problems, none of these have been solved yet, I'm pretty easy going so I don't let things bother me, So I'm not going to get worried about them, Apart from the job front, I need to pay for my 'Midget Monthly Magazine' subscription.

Stay Gold.

Day 26: What kind of person attracts you.

2011-03-11T15:43:00.000Z

Breathing. Anyone alive or not long dead.

I don't know, pretty sure I went through all this already. She has to be a looker for starters, I'm not talking drop dead gorgeous, but at least someone you can introduce your friends to without having to apologize for offending their eyes with the manpigface you bought to the pub with you.

"She's really funny and is great with kids guys"

People think because I'm not exactly *cough* Svelte. I have to like fat girls or be more sensitive towards people who are 'facially challenged', they could not be more wrong.

I don't want to come of as insensitive but I don't wanna go out with a fatty, I'm not saying they're bad people, or don't have great personalities, but I'm obviously pretty fucking shallow. It's just the way I was made, and if you don't like it, what are you gonna do? Chase me? HA!

She has to have a decent sense of humour, if she can't laugh at abortion jokes or being called adopted it's just simply not going to work. I show affection through insults (Unless I'm just making fun of you, it's hard to tell, I'm confounding sometimes).

Accents help too, I don't know why, I just like some accents, maybe it's a weird fetish, maybe it's because people with accents are easier to make fun of, who knows.

They have to be able to hold their own in a videogame situation. She can have legs up to her head but if she can't watch my back in Gears, what's the point? That's just a woman waiting to be slapped.

See, I'm not a fussy guy, I'm just looking for a good looking, slim, funny, gamer who happens to be filthy rich.

Stay Gold.

Day 25: someone who facinates you and why.

2011-03-10T14:46:00.000Z

Wow, there's so many people who facinate me. Ted Bundy, Jimmy Stewart, Boris Johnson, Elmer Fudd. Yet, there's only one person who this blog was ever going to be about, Many of you won't know him, and be ready for an insight into the world of

Drumroll...

James 'Horrible Cunt' Shearman.

I used photoshop to hide the look of Terror on my face.

This is James Shearman. 40 years old, Mitcham born and bread, made of 2 parts rage, 1 part humour and 5 parts pure terror.

James is the head of Clints household, and he enforces it with crude humour and terrifying punishments. I have been woke up with the following:

Wake up Medicine (Cold water, Face, Pretty standard)
Shouts of "Wake up cunt, I'm bored"
Pillow attacks
'Milking' (Don't ask)

These are all pretty standard, then a while ago James got his hands on an epilator.

I still get flashbacks

Now, if you're not familiar with epilators, they're like electronic razors, but instead of cutting the hair it plucks them out.

Occasionally you'd be asleep at Clints place, and you'd hear the whirr of the epilator being turned on, if you didn't get up, you'd be painfully losing your designer stuble.

After a few weeks of concentration camp-esque fear, James lost the Epilator, we could reast easy for a while, at least until he bought that chainsaw home.

Another reminder of James' creativity, is after a heavy night of drinking we invented 'break break dancing'. James, being a breakdancer in the late 80's (Seriously) came up with a novel new way of boxing, you could only hit your opponent if you Incorporated it into some sort of dance move. That was a...that was a crazy night, Clint actually broke his wrist if memory recalls.

You may get the wrong idea from this post, he's not a bully or wrong'un. Despite hilarious accidents, nearly being barred from several pubs and general lewd behaviour, James isn't a bad person. He's one of the funniest, kindest and most generous people I've ever met. Everyone loves him because he's so goddamn funny. However if you see this man do not approach him, He's been known to get people in headlocks until they say his full name (With added middle names).

Can you put the gun away now James?

Stay Gold.

Day 24: your favourite movie and what it's about.

2011-03-09T18:51:00.000Z

I don't have a favourite film, and I'm not going to sit around and spout about what my favourite films are about, that's what IMDB's for. I'd rather talk about the feelings films can make you feel. Man Feelings.

By far the film that evokes the most emotions is an Italian Masterpiece called Life is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella if you wanna be a wanker). The first half is pure heart melting joy, Sometimes I have trouble figuring out if someone's a good actor or not in Subtitled films, But Roberto Begnini is truly a magical man who brings life into his character.

This beautiful tale of love and happiness soon turns into a pretty harsh concentration camp flick, But his character never loses his spirit, and goes to incredible lengths to protect his sons innocence in such a bad environment.

It may have been the 4 or 5 Martinis but I was shedding the manliest of tears towards the end of the film, For a film to keep yo-yo'ing me between happiness and sadness in a couple of hours is truly the magic of good film-making.

After the film I was such an emotional wreck one minute I was hugging my family and the next I was punching wildlife.

Totally had it coming

I do recommend everyone see it. I even got my sisters to promise to see it once they learn how to read. Have some tissues ready.

Stay Gold.

Day 23: give pictures of 5 famous guys who you find attractive.

2011-03-08T16:21:00.000Z

I don't think I'm getting out of this one without one of my family members calling me gay. Again I re-iterate, I did not write these questions.

First let me explain what a man-crush is in case you don't know. A man crush is admiration and respect for a man, you may also recognize he's a good looking guy. It's a mixture of awe and courtesy. I'm guessing that any men that read my stuff is starting to feel relieved about the feelings they were having about me, don't worry men. Embrace it.

Anyway, on with the list, here's some men I truly admire and respect. (Who are also totally handsome)

Swayze, I can't write to much or I get emotional, but he was one of the ultimate badass', He survived longer than any mere mortal should have with his tpe of Cancer all while playing an FBI agent in a top TV show. He's probably teaching St. Peter proper bouncer (Or cooler) etiquette.

Alec Baldwin, with beautiful blue eyes and chest hair you could choke a ferret in it was almost impossible to make a list without him. An ex-alchoholic with brilliant comic timing, he knows a thing or 2 about how to get your daughter to stop ignoring her phonecalls. NEVER fob off Alec Baldwin with Voicemail. Shame about his brothers though...

Jensen Ackles, Star of the hit show Supernatural is to awesome for words. Also ladies, not only is he handsome, I'm pretty sure he was in Sweet Valley High! I know, he's got it all right.

Because he's Bruce Campbell

I don't think I know any men who at some point in the day don't wish they were David Bowie, Top Admiration points.

Anyway, there's the list, 7 days to go then you'll have to carry on with your empty lives with 1 post a week! Scary thought huh?

Stay gold.

Day 22: how have you changed in the past 2 years.

2011-03-07T11:29:00.000Z

Not a hell of a lot to be honest.

I'd like to say I'm more understanding and better travelled but I'm not. I've lost a few jobs in the last 2 years too. Looking at a post I wrote 2 years ago, It's about jobs I would do if things like training, money and motivation were within my grasp.

Wow, 2 years ago I had no aims or prospects, which is scary because I still have no aims or prospects. And I still really really want to be an Ice Road Trucker.

This morning, I've been applying for any job, I can't be fussy anymore.

Looking back 2 years on facebook (Which wasn't easy, you're welcome BTW) reminds me of buying an Armani suit, which I did around this time 2 years ago, I don't even know where it is now, which is worrying.

Anyway, best be off.

Stay Gold.

Day 21: one of your favourite TV Shows

2011-03-06T14:17:00.000Z

I'm gonna keep this short, due to the fact I'm writing this on an iPhone (Jobs, I expect my advertising payment in cash or action figures).

Burn notice is one of my favourite shows, it's about Jeffrey donovan, and he used to be a spy and now he helps people with problems the police. To help with this is Bruce Campbell and an annoying woman who doesn't do much than make me angry.

Anyway, writing on this contraption is really frustrating so I'm going to stop. Full size blog tomorrow. Promise.

Stay gold

Day 20: How important you think education is.

2011-03-02T05:34:00.000Z

I think education's important, but not vital. When I was at school everyone was "If you don't go to university your life will be a shambles" and "University is the only way to get somewhere in life" and "Jack, Take your hands out of your trousers". I wish someone had told me things aren't all that bad if you don't go to college and just do whatever feels right.

Part of me wishes I did go to university, but honestly there's nothing I could get a degree in which I'm interested enough to learn for over 3 years. It's not that I don't have a thirst for knowledge, I do, Just the wrong knowledge. Did you know that Ted Bundy was raised thinking his mother was his sister and his grandmother his mother? I did.

The likes of politics and language don't interest me, I like reading about Serial Killers, Film trivia and Walt Disney's strange habits.

What I suppose I'm saying is, I know plenty of people who didn't got to college and university and lead happy full lives. I know people who spent alot of money on an education, graduated, now don't know what to do, so they go protest or something, I don't know, I don't always understand the news. I'm not saying it works out that way all the time, but it can happen.

Just do what makes you happy people, Don't feel like if you drop out of college or whatever it's the end of the world. Most importantly, if you're taking advice from me, you're already in a pretty bad place, so, maybe get help yeah?

Giving poor advice since '06

Stay Gold.

Day 19: Disrespecting your parents.

2011-03-02T04:27:00.000Z

This question seems a little irrelevant, seeing as this quiz was written for a 14 year old girl, I totally don't live with my parents anymore...I live with my sister.

Pfft, I was to busy dodging wine bottle and and teaching my sisters to read to disrespect my parents. In all seriousness, there's no point in disrespecting your parents, and I never did. Like I probably said before, I was a good kid, never got in any real trouble. I think the only time I ever disrespected my mum was when I found her weakness, She slapped me for something stupid I did and I just laughed. She went fucking mental, it was hilarious.

I was watching this documentary the other day called Radical parenting, now, if you ain't seen this, it should still be on the Sky Anytime, it is amazing.

There's these parents right, and their kids don't go to school, and make all their own decisions. They just play and eat crisps all day, I was really, really jealous. According to their parents they're learning by experience. When I was that age if I was left to 'learn by experience' the only thing I would of learned is how to do every characters fatalities on Mortal Kombat 3.

Then there were these other parents, and they're really close to the children, like, their youngest, between birth and crawling, spend practically their whole time attached to their parents. The kids breastfeed for years they sleep in the same bed, one of the parents is always carrying them. This was all completely new to me, my mum considers forwarding joke texts to me as "quality time".

I like to think I'll be a good parent when the time comes, Care and encourage and nurture them, read them stories, spoil them, just be a good dad in general. So long as they're boys.

Stay Gold

Day 18: your beliefs.

2011-03-01T05:27:00.000Z

Technically, I'd be called Agnostic, I neither deny or accept the the idea of a higher power and afterlife etc.

I call it scared.

I see myself as agnostic leaning towards atheism, But I don't like the idea of no afterlife, Not since my dad died anyway (Deep right?). I like the thought that we'll see our loved ones again, but practically, I know it's unlikely. So I stick with 'Don't know' and 'Believe in what you want to believe, just leave me out of it', Ignorance is bliss after all right?

I don't believe in Ghosts or that the dead can talk to us through middle aged fat women, otherwise known as con artists. And I think the people who make money from other peoples grief is despicable. I don't believe in the practice of 'Magic' either, The only magic I believe in is illusion.

And the Magic I make happen in the bedroom

I like the idea of what some people call Karma, I think if you're a good person, good things happen to you, But I don't think it's down to some mystical energy, I think it's just down to the fact good people perceive incidents and events in a more positive way. Although, Superman's good and just bad shit happens to him all the time (Like Bryan Singer), So I may have to review that line of thought.

Here's a short list of things I believe/believe in:

Harvey Dent
Aliens
Bigfoot
Wombles
Some of the practices of Zen (I'm honestly not a dickhead, but they got some nice ideas)
Zen (The fictional Italian detective)

Well, Here's hoping there is an afterlife, because frankly, I've made a mess of this one.

Stay Gold.

P.S Please don't take any of this post to seriously, It's basically a wordy way of saying I really, really, don't care about peoples beliefs.

Day 17: Highs and lows of the past year.

2011-03-01T05:08:00.000Z

Well, it's been a rollercoaster of a year, Ups and downs, lots of changes.

Sorry I have to stop myself there. that's a complete lie. Nothing has changed other than my hairline. In fact, If we were friends in high school, and that was the last time we saw eachother and we met up today, Nothing would have changed. The look of joy and wonder in eyes may have been replaced with a shallow, dead stare but other than that, I'm still at the same address. Let's get this over with so I can get back to Of Mice and Men.

High point: I got a great, fun job at St. Georges Hospital in the warehouse with people I consider some of my best friends.
Low point: I got sacked.

High point: I went to Bestival.
Low point: I had to leave Bestival, I was a god to them people.

High Point: My Nephew took his first steps towards me.
Low Point: He had a knife.

High Point: I discovered the joy of Plan B.
Low Point: There's not enough Plan B.

High point: Inception was good.
Low point: It wasn't Batman.

High Point: My family recieved my blog really well and actually enjoy it.
Low Point: This fucking 30 day challenge.

High Point: I started watching 30 Rock.
Low Point: Firefly is still cancelled.

My life's a fucking tragedy. But y'know, Whatever.

Stay Gold.

Day 16: Your view on mainstream music.

2011-03-01T04:37:00.000Z

Mainstream music's mainstream for a reason, People like it, And who am I to argue with record sales? I'm just here to tell people why they're wrong. I'm not really one for modern music myself, I generally listen to Magic, unless they're playing Dido, the I tune into Heart. Never been a big music fan anyway. So don't expect me to write an eclectic list of artists no one's heard of to make myself look cultured and clever, Because you should know by now, I'm neither of them.

I'm gonna take a little look through the current top 10:

Fucking dreadful, Adele's number 1 and 4, I don't know why, I think she's got an awful voice. I could make a fat joke but I'm far to gentlemanly, But I do think gingers songs sound all the same.

There's this Jessie J woman I've seen a few times who makes me reconsider my no hitting women policy.

Rihanna can do no wrong in my eyes, she just needs to keep being beautiful and awesome and talented.

I've heard this Bruno Mars guy, I got some advice for him, Man the FUCK up, Man wouldn't jump on a grenade for no one.

I like Lady Gaga, I do think she has a great voice, And there's something really attractive about a woman willing to go out wearing only red meat, Yum.

Music's always been rubbish, I know people say music was better in the old days, but it wasn't. We only hear great songs on Magic because those were the best ones. I dunno, I just never 'got' it, some people are so passionate about music, and I don't know how when most of it's so fucking awful (What the fuck is Dubstep?). If everyone was as Talented as The Temptations, Elvis, David Bowie or Rush the world would be a much better place. But unfortunately we're stuck with untalented, wannabe 'gangsta', gimmicky dickheads who for some reason people take seriously

Any man who can type N Dubz into a Google Image search and

not spit on a baby is a far better man than I.

Stay Gold.

Day 15: Your favourite Tumblr

2011-02-28T12:06:00.000Z

I don't know what a Tumblr is, upon some half arsed research last night, I decided I didn't want anything to do with it. It looks like blogging for slow people.

"Tumblr.com is a free and lightweight blogging platform, aimed at making it effortless to share text, photos, quotes, links, music, and videos, from your browser, phone, desktop, email, or wherever you happen to be, and doing it the quick and easy way"

Let me ask you, what's more simple than my blog? it's just words and a few poorly sized pictures. If you want to share Some stupid video of some retarded baby laughing or a GIF of Bill Cosby wearing a fucking hat, Keep that shit to facebook.

With Twitter and Tumblr, it seems like any actual writing talent's being taken out of blogging and being replaced by microthoughts and videos of kittens.

Fuck you Tumblr

Stay Gold.

The Oscars,

2011-02-28T01:46:00.000Z

I'm writing this as I watch The Oscars I refuse to get a twitter so I'm writing down the times of my thoughts. So far the opening sketch was funny. I'll still do the 30 day challenge blog tomorrow, this is a special. It's gonna be a long one, so don't waste your time if you don't care about my opinions on films.

1:45. Smile Tim Burton you miserable fuck, Seriously, fuck you. Stop making everything so gothic and spirally and cast someone other than Johnny Depp and your wife. I enjoyed Big Fish though.

(Random thought) Can you believe Gary Oldman's never even been nominated got an Oscar? Seems retarded to me. Not even nominated.

(Random thought) Tom hanks seems like such an nice guy, Christopher Nolan is glowing.

01:51. Kurt Douglas is old as hell, but is still really awesome. He souns a little like Dracula.

01:59. Really? Not Steinfeld for the best supporting actress? Melissa Leo was fantastic in The Fighter though.

02:00. First f-Bomb.

02:02. Franco and Hathaway make a good team, I'm glad they're hosting.

(Random Thought) Why is Virginia Madsen there? Has she done anything since Candyman? If she's allowed there where's Tony Todd?

02:04. Animators are always so scruffy, All respect to the animated field guys but get out the studio and learn how to button up a jacket guys.

02:06. Any money Toy Story 3 wins best animated feature. Vegas money.

02:07. Called it. Wow, Steve Jobs co founded Pixar.

02:23. This Panel's ridiculous, The news of the world reviewer's a dickhead.

02:24. Anne Hathaways's so beautiful.

02:26. Charlie Sheen Joke! Was only a matter of time.

02:30. Best supporting actor time, If Bale doesn't win, I'm gonna Bale out

02:33. ALL HAIL THE FUCKIN' BALE! Bloody hell

02:35. Quick, someone dispose of Bales tears before North Korea get their hands on them.

02:40. Without sounding like to much of a queen, What is Nicole Kidman doing wearing them shoes with that dress?

03:01. Wow, Obama AND Randy Newman.

(Random thought) Do you get paid for presenting an award? Wait, who pays for the Oscars?

03:31. Bob Hope's back! In hologram form!

03:31. Robert Downey Jr. Is damn hilarious, makes you wonder if Charlie Sheen will be respected in 10 years.

03:34. Did Matt Plummer just get a thank you from one of the inception guys?

(Random Thought) It must be great to walk down the aisle to the Inception theme and everyone applauding.

03:44. Gwyneth Paltrow's a country singer now is she? Because you can just do what the fuck you like when you're Gwyneth Paltrow, take a break from films for ages and just come back and do Iron Man. Bitch.

03:52. Shit, Celine Dion, why does she have to sing during the part I refuse to miss. I miss Dennis hopper and Leslie Nielsen.

(Random Thought) Where was Corey Haim?

04:03. Tom Hooper couldn't get out of his chair fast enough for his award for directing Kings speech. Is he a clone of James Cameron? They look the same...

04:11. I'd like to see James Franco win best actor, Just to shock everyone.

04:16. Surprise surprise, The pregnant woman gets the Oscar, To be fair I haven't seen the Lesbian ballet flick, and I like Natalie Portman, She deserves this for getting snubbed for Leon. Aronofsky really needs to lose the porno 'tash

04:21. Sandra Bullock is an absolute Gem.

04:27. Well done Colin Firth, You probably deserve it, I need to see the flick

04:36. Yep Kings speech got best Picture, there's a shocker.

04:39. Ugh Kids choir singing somewhere over the rainbow.

04:42, Well, it's over.

Well that was the Oscars, It was OK, none of them made me choke up, That's what I really like at the Oscars, The comedy and Songs are fine, But I like it when the winners are so emotional it can bring you to tears yourself. The only one that got me close to tears was The Bale. Like Cuba Gooding Jr or Roberto Benigni.

I'll see you in aa few hours to post the new blog.

Stay Gold.

Day 14: Your earliest memory.

2011-02-27T14:48:00.000Z

I was 2 or 3, it was snowing really heavy, we were in the garden and my little sister was a baby. Fucking boring.

I'd rather talk about the memories I choose to remember.

My childhood was rough, constant torment everyday from my sisters, when they weren't putting cigars out on my arm and stealing my paper round money for whiskey they were playing countless pranks on me.

Didn't have shit on me

One time, my 2 eldest sisters put me in a suitcase (When I was still at a size I could fit in a suitcase) and dragged me to the top of the stairs and pushed me down. When we got McDonalds when we were kids, I'd get the 4 nugget happy meal, and would you believe this, the took 1 EACH! What I was basically left with was a 2 nugget happy meal.

When I was a kid I was afraid of everything, they used to play on this. Just all the time scaring me to the point of tears, I don't know why, maybe they were just jealous how handsome I am. They don't play that shit no more because y'know, I'm double hard.

We're good now, the odd prank call is the only thing that happens. Now we just spend all out time laughing and insulting eachother. But yeah, Sisters are mean.

Stay Gold.

Day 13: Places you'd like to move or visit.

2011-02-26T23:31:00.000Z

These questions get more and more retarded by the day.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the most travelled of people. I never even went north of the river until I was about 20. I don't even have a passport, my family have been to all these tropical, mystical places like Magaluf and Lanzarote and me? I went to the isle of Wight last year.

One day I'm going to get out of Mitcham, I'm sick of living in such a hostile environment, I'm going to get a good job, save up some money, really work hard, then one day, maybe, I might be able to move to Croydon.

There's one or two places I want to go, but I know I'll be disappointed when I go there and it's not like how it is in the films or Sesame Street.

When I was a kid I had this video of The Real Ghostbusters "Play those Ragtime Boos", and in it, The REAL Ghostbusters go to new Orleans to investigate ghosts. and man I loved this episode, the way all the people talked, the music, the way it looked. I fell in love with the idea of New Orleans. To this day I still watch everything New Orleans related,

Good and bad

One day I hope to go to New Orleans and drink bourbon and listen to jazz in a smoky bar, hit up mardis gras, get arse drunk and more than likely wake up next to some fat goth calling himself Lestat.

A while ago I had a plan to work for 3 years and save a 3rd of every paycheck and travel America for a year, but seeing as I can't drive, don't have a passport and can't hold down a job for more than 6 months it more than likely will never happen.

I wanna go to New York and see some of the iconic buildings like the Flat Iron, go Alec Baldwin Spotting near around 30 Rock, go to times square where so many famous pictures have been taken...

"Fuckin'...where my keba...F-FUCK YOU!"

I'm worried I'm becoming cultured as I get older, A few years ago I had no interest whatsoever in going to Paris or Rome, but as I'm getting older I want to see these places for reasons I can't explain other than 'culture'. Pretty gay right?

I need to travel, see the world, It's a little sad that I'm 22 and never been on a plane. But then again, getting a passport seems like alot of work.

Stay Gold.

Day 12. Bullet your whole day

2011-02-24T04:30:00.000Z

Man, this is gonna be bleak, I'm a very uninteresting person,

I wake up, I do 1000 press ups and 1000 sit ups, it's 7 PM, Alfred is ready with breakfast (Steak and Mars bars).
I go down to the cave and re-calibrate my grappling hook and replace the straps on my boots, pay my subscription for Nuts and Zoo.
I log onto the computer to run the DNA samples left from the bank robbery last night, update the Arkham files and put out an APB on Hugo Strange, Update Facebook.
I put on my finest suit and make sure the Bentley is prepared, Alfred drives me to a fundraiser, I shout bus wankers out the window on the way.
I make some inappropriate jokes about a baroness' cleavage and am asked to leave. Just as planned.
Signal goes of, I change and meet Gordon, On the roof 2 pidgeons are doing it, I take a. picture and send it to Clark, he lol's.
Harvey's escaped again, He's holding the courthouse hostage.
I update my twitter.
Pick up Robin, I do that thing where everytime he goes for the door handle I drive forward a few feet.
Save hostages, Harveys back where he belongs, I'm fucking awesome.
Teach Robin how to do the hand vagina trick, he calls me immature.
Jump in the Batmobile and blast some Plan B.
Deal with some petty crime, I can't stop laughing because I farted on Robins eyemask, he keeps itching his eye. I text Clark about it, he lol's.
Drop Robin off, I shut his cape in the car and start driving pretending I can't here him shouting.
I get home and Clark sent me this link for 2 girl 1 cup, I throw up and text him a picture of my vomit, he lol's.
Watch The only way is Essex and fall asleep.

Quiet night.

Stay Gold

Day 11: Put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

2011-02-23T02:36:00.000Z

What does this mean? Write ten songs that pop up? Write what they are? Write a review for each song? How it makes me feel? Whatever, I don't even own an iPod. I'll stick spotify on shuffle, So I'll give it a whack.

I don't know where my taste in music comes from, My dad was big into Motown and Country and I've never heard my mum listen to anything other than Simply Red and Meatloaf. My sisters...They listen to some...I don't even know what it is...It's just noise, I've never even heard of the genre it is.

1. Girl, You'll be a woman soon - Neil Diamond.
I forgot how good this song is until recently, Now I keep listening to it and practising for my next Karaoke bout.

2. Me and Mrs Jones - Billy Paul.
This is the song I'm going to sing at my friends weddings, replacing the word Jones with my friends last name, that way it's an infidelity joke AND a mum joke.

3. First of the gang to die - Morrisey
I like Morrisey, don't agree with him being so outspoken about some things, (He once left the stage for a few hours because he could smell bacon) But I like his music, My mate Liam took me to see him at Wembley and he was Ace, And funnier than I expected.

4. Wild World - Cat Stevens
Ultimate relaxing tune, it makes me think of happier times. (Before...The incident)

5. Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins
If I had it my way I'd fill this whole list with Phil Collins. People take the mick out of him and I don't understand why, I genuinely believe he's one of the most talented artists out there. And Peter Gabriel can go suck a nut.

6. Atlantis - Donovan
I first heard this song when I saw Goodfellas many years back. It's the scene where Joe Pesci kills Dennis Farina in the bar. I love Scorsese's use of music, He makes these mob films, yet instead of using Big Band or Classical music they use in most mob films, He uses classic rock like Clapton or The Stones, Which is quality.

7. Traded in my cigarettes - Plan B
I love Plan B, and this song really gets to me, it's about a prisoner trading in his cigarettes for a shank. It's such a great song because the character keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt anybody but he has to.

8. There she goes my beautiful world - Nick Cave
I avoided Nick Cave for a while because I thought he was someone only dickheads listen to. Granted that all dickheads listen to Nick Cave I still think he's fantastic. It's the nicest song about Heroin there is.

9. Falling Down - Scarlett Johansson
I don't like Tom Waits. I don't...'get it'. I disregarded it at first because I thought what has Scarlett got to offer outside of acting? But I was listening to a friends playlist and it came on, To my horror I discovered this great tune was by Scarlett Johansson, Never gonna back since.

10. Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
This is possibly the sexiest song ever made. I use this one to get girls.

Honorable mention:
Across 110th street - Bobby Womack
I was listening to this just before I started, it's just one of the best songs ever. it's a really cool soulful track, it's about the day to day fight in the Ghetto. It obviously speaks to me.

Stay Gold.

Day 10: Discuss your first love and first kiss.

2011-02-23T01:20:00.000Z

My first kiss is a story of heartbreak and deception. It tells the story of a naive idiot in his middle school playground. Let's take it back, I'm not sure what year it was, like I said, it was middle school, I'm not good at keeping track of these things. Anyway, I was in the playground, ten years old, I was probably doing some ill shit like selling fake shiney Pokemon cards or getting into the Monster Munch trade with the Colombian kids. So I'm there, chilling and this girl comes up to me form my year, I don't remember her name, she smacks one on my lips and runs back to her friends who were all giggling.

My geek friends were all high fiving me (Fist bumps hadn't been invented/reached our school yet) and asking me what my secret was, for like a whole afternoon I felt cool. After last lesson me and one of my cool friends (I moved in many circles) were walking home, I told him what happened and how happy I was because I thought someone liked me. To which he bluntly replied "They were laughing? It was probably a dare."

The fucking bitch.

So I went into a spiral of depression, Drinking Sunny D first thing in the morning, Eating my crisps before my sandwiches at lunch, y'know, hard shit. I was used as a dare, kiss the weirdo/fatty/bad haircut kid (Again, thanks mum) in the playground, My little cholesterol clogged heart withered. It was that day I realized my Mum was a goddamn liar when she said I was the most handsome boy in the world.

I don't think I'll ever truly trust a woman again.

Yeah, Heartbreaking huh? Fatty's got some scars. As for the love part of the question, Can't say I've been in love, I like to say I believe in love. But it's a matter of time and a few hundred quid before I settle for the closest thing to love I can think off:

On a side not, it's my sisters birthday today. I love my sister, we're completely different but she's fucking hilarious, I don't quite remember how old she is, but she's getting on now. Happy Birthday H,, To the ghetto you go.

Stay Gold.

Day 9: How you hope your future will be like

2011-02-20T23:20:00.000Z

How you hope your future will be like.

Does anyone actually know what

Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan actually does?

I'm pretty sure this is the same as the 10 years question last week. I've been thinking about this for at least 5 minutes now and believe me when I say this, this is the honest truth. I really, really don't give a shit.

I've decided what I want to call my children, Jack Jr, Captain, Victor, Bruce and Clark. Jack Jr will run the family demon hunting business, Captain will be a hero pilot, Victor will be an investigative journalist taking down the mob, Bruce will be a socialite with a redeeming secret and Clark will be a defence lawyer with integrity. Their mother will be more than likely dead, that way it gives them an interesting dark past that will help them get girls.

I don't think about the future much, stops you focusing on the now. And right now I'm pretty fucking awesome.

Stay Gold.

Day 8: A moment you felt most satisfied with life.

2011-02-19T15:30:00.001Z

This one's a little tough, I've never done anything noteworthy like climb a mountain or anything. it was pretty satisfying when I didn't die after the snow incident. There's one or 2 things I was surprised I achieved, Like I was playing Final fantasy 7, and to cut a long story short, I was against the ropes and I won the final boss battle, I felt like this:

Whereas in reality I looked more along the lines of this:

Tit's n' all

Maybe another instance when I felt satisfied was when my leadership got us on the ferry back to the mainland when the car wouldn't start in the car park, with my instructions like "Why's the fucking car broken!?" and "WHY DIDN'T YOU CHECK EARLIER". Sure Pete was driving and he may of got us across the island in 10 minutes but my instructions like "You're not going fast enough" was which got us there.

Man, Didn't think a blog post could leave me thinking that I haven't done anything with my life. Fuck it, sure something will come up.

Stay Gold.

Day 7: Your Zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

2011-02-19T13:39:00.000Z

I'm a Virgo, which sounds right as I'd make handsome woman. My birthday's on 30th of August (Mark it down, I like presents)

I typed Virgo Characteristics male into google and clicked the first link, It's a site of what to expect dating a Virgo man. As much as I hate to say it alot of it's true, I'll pick out a few quotes which I think apply to me.

"Being in love with a Virgo man means living in a practical world, where there will no be fairytale dreams."

Which loosely translates to:

"You are with Jack now, All hope is lost. He will never be dashing and you will never win the lottery. There's not even a chance his smell will improve"

"To much display of emotions makes them uncomfortable and too conscious"

Translates to:

"If you tell Jack you love him, he will more than likely call you gay and kick you"

"Virgo men do not run after girls and romance, in fact they do not mind being single at all"

In Jack Speak:

"Jack can't get girls."

"Once you have won his heart, His love will burn for you with a steady flame, which will never flicker for a minute."

Which means:

"YEAHHHHHHHHH WHOAAA, THIS SEX IS ON FIRE!"

"You will have a tender companion, who will shower you with love and care, even though you don't look twenty anymore"

...Will I fuck.

4 out of 5 ain't bad though right? I still reckon it's coincidence that what the lonely woman website said happens to have some similarities with what I'm like. It's taken YEARS of emotional repression and laziness to get to my point of emotional retardation. I've worked hard at being an uncaring arsehole and I'm proud of it. Man, I'm a fucking catch.

Stay Gold.

Day 6: Write 30 interesting fact about yourself.

2011-02-16T23:19:00.000Z

I dunno if I can do this, I'll give it a whack.

In 6 years I've had about 15 jobs
I have more skills, better social skills, and am generally a better person when drunk.
When I meet someone for the first time, I automatically judge them, 9/10 times I'm right, even if proven wrong I stick to my assumption.
I once attempted free running in an underpass at 3AM, After falling over 3-4 times I decided it's for wankers.
I have frequent night terrors, anyone who's shared a room with me will know this.
I've attempted higher education 4 times, I only succeeded once.
I've read the IMDB trivia page for every film I've seen.
I once saw a womble. No one believes me and I was really drunk but it happened.
As far as I can tell I'm unbreakable. I've never broken a bone.
Didn't realize how uninteresting I was until I started writing this list.
I can click all my toes any time
I have at least 5 alter egos/aliases
The first film I remember watching was Tim Burtons Batman, (1989 (not in 1989))
I'll go through amazing lengths in the name of 'A laugh'
I have an interest with Serial Killers. (I even have favourites)
Occasionally I reach the point where I become 'Dangerously bored'. The other day this lead to flaming knife throwing
I used to drink 6 bottles of Sprite on a normal working day.
My dad nearly shot me with an air rifle once because it was 'funny'
I've never left the Country, I left the mainland last year, I went to The Isle of Wight.
I'm the mayor of Bestival, I declared it while on top of the Bestival sign and no one threw me off. That's how it works.
I still want to be a cowboy when I grow up
I once stayed awake and partied every night for 3 days straight
I'm terrified of my nephew
I've convinced people I'm a Doctor, Marine Biologist, Stuntman and the guy in the Iggle Piggle suit
I may have appeared in Russian Vogue
I once cried at an episode of Mr. Bean
I can't remember the last time I went to a party and didn't instigate The Fresh Prince rap
One of my favourite jobs was working on the bins because all the free time I got.
I've never bought an album
I listen to more classical music than I let on

Wow, Did it, Got a little flaky at the end but whoo, yeah. I think I need to get out and see more of the world, try and learn about and understand different cultures, be a foreigner, So I'm going to Benidorm.

Stay Gold.

Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life

2011-02-16T22:23:00.000Z

Jesus, that's a bit morbid right? does everyone at some point think "Bloody hell, this queue's a bit long, might just kill myself".

I don't believe in suicide, without getting to gay about it, I think life is greatest gift you can get, I think we're lucky to be alive. Lucky to have the life I have. I'm a fat, white, Englishman with A penchant for smoking, being awesome and Dancing, What reason would I have for possibly killing myself?

Although there is the time I nearly died, A year or two back I was arse drunk and got into a snowball fight, Naturally I took of my shirt for intimidation purposes. I spent the next three hours walking round the backstreets of East London helping people (Shirtless). In this time the following happened:

A few people took pictures with me.
A tramp asked me to buy a bottle of brandy from the shop for him as he was banned (you gotta question the motives of a shopkeeper who won't serve a tramp with money, but will serve a shirtless drunk at 1 in the morning.), Upon buying him the brandy he told me to drink it, I said "No man, you need it more than I do" to which he replied "I don't drink", Obviously I had a look of bafflement on my face and he just said "I need it for a pipe, I'm just gonna throw the drink away, drink it". I drank it and bid the tramp farewell. Wondering where a tramp got the money for brandy and crack.
I met some Portuguese tourists in the park, they gave me rum and I asked them if they wanted to build a snowman, we built a 7 odd foot snowman and frolicked for a while, I tackled the snowman. They invited me to a bar but I figured I'd be violating the dress code, So I said goodbye.
I was passing a bar and I saw this nice young lady locking up, I offered to walk her home because in my drunken state I thought it might be dangerous. I walked her home and said goodbye, she gave me a pair of gloves because she thought I might be cold. Nice girl.
Someone was trying to start their car and was having trouble, so I pushed it for them until it started, they offered me a lift but I declined, I had more work to do.
Several more snowball fights.

Deciding that I was a little cold, and sobering up I thought it time to get back. Now, I dunno if you ever been shirtless in the snow, but it sure sobers you up. I got back and went to bed 3 hours after leaving the pub. I was clutching my hand which felt like it was gonna fall off. Saeed swears he heard me crying, probably just excess awesome coming out of my tear ducts. My hand went back to normal after a few days, but I still have a strange numb feeling in the tip of my little finger.

Needless to say, no one believed me, All I had was a pair of fingerless gloves and the god honest truth. And why should they, it's a ridiculous story. Then, just under a month later, these surfaced:

So yes, it did all happen, and yes. I am a fucking tit.

So that's the story 'That night Jack nearly died'.

But stay of that suicide gear kids, it's not cool.

Stay Gold.

Day 4: My views on religion.

2011-02-15T18:18:00.000Z

Dunno, Like, Religion, It's weird yeah, because some good things have come out of it innit? But, at the end of the day, like, all wars are really down to religion innit? People killing in the name of their god/deity, so yeah. I think if people need that guideline on how to be a good person according to some old book/scroll, let them get on with it. I don't come from a religious famalam, so it's never been an issue in my house. Although for a little while I suspected one of my sisters prayed to Tupac, but he sends a message of love and ghetto harmony, so no problem there.

Nah, I say let people get on with it so long as they don't bother me or hurt anyone.

I'm gonna take this time to go through my religious views. It's about a man who was sent down with a message of justice and awesomeness. That's right:

Christian Fuckin' Bale.

I follow the path of Christan(Bale)anity.

Bale was born on 1974 in Wales. Hospitals being unheard of in Wales until 1998, there's a 9/10 chance he was born in a stable. Not much is known about his early life, A few Disney movies here and there, but on the dawn of the millenium, Bale played one of the greatest characters ever.

With a message of Huey Lewis and proper raincoat use, Bale embodied Patrick Bateman. He had found his calling. Being the most balls to the wall actor ever.

Then around his 30th birthday, The Heavenly Father took his son and told him his place on this earth. That's right, Christopher Nolan raised his son from this Earth of us mere mortals.

"My son, You're the goddamn Batman"

With this, Bale took his new responsibility of the Batman, guided by the message of the lord, And ignited nergasm in a whole load of peoples hearts. He went on for a few years gathering followers and spreading the message of the Nolan

Then there was great sadness.

On Tuesday the 22nd of July The Bale was arrested for unspecified reasons. Apparently he attacked his Mother and Sister after they provoked him. Surely his career was dead. He had been betrayed by someone close to him. The ignorant fools didn't understand his message, This surely was the end of his career.

BUT 3 DAYS LATER THE DARK KNIGHT WAS RELEASED AND NO ONE EVER SPOKE ABOUT THE INCIDENT AGAIN.

LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR. HIS CAREER WAS RESURRECTED AFTER 3 FUCKING DAYS!

He carries on today, Being Batman. Guided for now by our lord The Nolan, righting wrongs, Not only fighting The Joker and Two Face, But also Terminators and Russel Crowe.

Because he's the saviour this world deserves, but not one we're ready for right now.

Stay Gold

Day 3: You're views on Drugs and alcohol.

2011-02-13T15:17:00.000Z

My views on drugs and alcohol? There's never enough.

All Joking aside though, I guess they're alright. Depends on your personality. Obviously some things are worse than other, The hard stuff is what gets you into trouble, rolling around on the floor of somewhere you don't know surrounded by people laughing at you with cold sweat running down your face while clutching your arm, The hard stuff, you know what I'm talking about here.

Motherfucking Absinthe, the drink made from the devils piss and Jade Goody's ashes. It tastes worse than a John McCriricks arsehole and gets you stupid krunk. It's why I don't go near it, after experimenting with it one Saturday afternoon and not leaving the bathroom until Sunday evening I vowed never to go near the stuff again.

I say people should experiment with drugs while they're young and get it out of the way, so they can tell their kids honestly the dangers/awesomeness of drugs. I don't however, think they should be legalised, not because I take a moral high ground, but it would put alot of dealers out of business, who in my experiences are lovely people.

But yeah, I guess you didn't really get any answers there, I suppose I'm saying do what you want, just don't be a dickhead about it innit.

Stay Gold

P.S Oh and mum if you're reading this you shouldn't be, Maybe if you encouraged me more I would be writing for magazines or writing my second novel or something instead of the internet, When you think about it this is all your fault, Thanks mum.

P.P.S What's for dinner Sunday? And can you buy Crunch Corners, If you buy fruit corners again we have nothing more to say to each other.

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years time.

2011-02-13T14:53:00.000Z

Where would I like to be in ten years time? Who knows, The Sparling life expectancy dictates I may not be around in 10 years time. Although here's a list of scenarios:

Hollywood.
Liam's become a big time Director and I've clung onto his coat-tails stronger than single mother clutching her benefits book. I've starred in a number of huge films, well known for my comic timing and transition into drama. I've become one of the Hollywood elite, I'm pictured with numerous glamorous women, known for all my charity work with Sean Penn's clone (It's only a matter of time), playboy lifestyle. And usually disgracing myself in true Downey Jr. fashion (Probably doing cocaine of Jason Stathams head). All in all, living the Sheen Dream.

Drunk.
I've become a dishevelled yet charming alcoholic, I spend my days in a pub lecturing bar staff and whoever will listen on what it is to be a gentleman and the practice of manners. I have a permanent cough and a jacket full of stains yet I'm very lovable. After closing time I go back to my house and eat a pot noodle while listening to some classical music live Vivaldi or Plan B.

Drug Dealer/pimp
I've decided to call myself Dirty-J, I sell most drugs while living a thoroughly gangsta lifestyle. I moved into pimping when I realised I have a lot of sisters, I wear a Du-Rag to cover my receding hairline.

Writer.
I live in a small cottage in the South of France where I write, I live a secluded but not lonely life, Every morning I walk down to the local delicatessen for a croissant or some French shit, The owner of the cafe is blatantly in love with me, here I sit outside and smoke while reading. Then I go home and walk my my big shaggy dog who's got some pretentious name like Hemingway in a field while I wear a big woolly jumper and ruggedly handsome smile on my face. I go back to my cottage and build furniture or some other manly shit, then I sit by the fireplace, dog at my heels, and read until time for sleep.

Well those are a few of the possibilities, I didn't put the most likely one in where I live in a council flat with my fat wife who hates me. A mean can dream though ay?

Stay Gold.

Day 1: My current relationship or how single life is.

2011-02-13T13:23:00.000Z

Day 01. Your current relationship, If single discuss how single life is.

Anyone who knows me knows I started the blog to get women, there's nothing better than blog groupies. Bitches be crazy. Seems appropriate that I'm starting the 30 day challenge with this question on Valentines Day.

Now if you're any decent kind of human being you've previously read my blog and you know my views on Valentines Day. So you'll know I don't mind being single, It doesn't bother me. I don't have any money as it is so I don't need the pressure of having to buy flowers, chocolates and bruise cover up for women.

It would be nice for someone to hold me at night and tell me everything's OK, Well, I got someone to do that but Clint's so busy these days I don't feel special anymore. (And his hands are like sandpaper). I suppose I'm saying I'm happy being single, but if the right person came along I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend.

I'm not a fussy man, I think most women would be lucky to have someone as well dressed as me. As far as 'type' goes I'm not fussy, due to an incident at the hospital which lead to my discharge from St. Georges Hospital means they technically have to be alive.

So long as they don't mind the fact that I have to play russian roulette once a year just so I can feel alive and she has tons of cash I'm ideal for them.

But for now the cat satisfies all my needs.

Stay Gold.

30 day challenge.

2011-02-10T13:22:00.000Z

Don't get to excited, this isn't a real post, just to let you know, I'm doing the 30 day blog challenge.

Exciting times. I'm looking forward to no. 23

The many faces of Jack Sparling.

2011-02-04T09:53:00.000Z

When people hear the name Jack Sparling, a few thoughts pop to mind:

"Suave Charmer"

"Patriot"

"Alec Baldwin lookalike"

"Drunk dickhead who takes his shirt off at every possible opportunity"

Let's face it, I'm an attention seeker. Bad attention is still attention, which is why I take my shirt off every time I'm challenged at anything. This is why I write a blog, have public pictures of my balls on facebook, wear a suit and aren't allowed in Mothercare anymore. I like the attention.

But it's not easy readers, I juggle all these personalities to cater for specific crowds just so I'm the centre of attention everywhere I go. I have an array of party tricks, anecdotes, dirty jokes and obscure references stored in my head. What I'm saying is, I'm always on, trying to impress people, I'm always equipped for whomever I meet, whether it's Ed Milliband or Bernard Manning. Now these skills would be useful if I was a stand up comedian, or an actor, but I'm not, I'm just a lazy manchild.

This may be the point where you are scratching your head and saying "But why Jack? Surely someone as handsome and well dressed as you doesn't need to get impress people with witty humor and fart jokes?" This is true, but ain't just a pretty face.

Truth is, I just want people to like me, Maybe it's because my parents didn't talk to me until I was 11 (Or until I "earned it" as they put it). But the rewards are worth it, I've got alot of friends who I like, glowing character references, good stories and a vast array of pictures of me being awesome. Some people think that people wanting to be liked is because they're insecure, or they hide their true selves all their life. Maybe...Maybe.

But I fucking love attention.

Stay Gold

Step aside Emilio, it ain't over till it's over.

2011-01-28T11:09:00.000Z

My favorite things off last year are the following:

Plan B
Luther
Idris Elba
Scarlett Johansson
Bestival
Raymond Chandler

Now that's out the way time for a moan.
I need a fucking job, this is getting ridiculous, It's hard to be an international playboy/superhero with no money to maintain it, And no matter where I try, people just don't want to hire me, maybe I should stop printing my CV on hemp (If it worked for Woody Harrelson it should work for me right?).

I've been thinking about what I want to do, so I just tell people I'm an 'aspiring writer' even though I can't be bothered to write anything other than 'lolz' on peoples status', but don't judge me, innit.

I'm a bit worried about the blog as it goes, My sister's started reading it so I had to delete all the stories of drug fueled orgies and LARPing, so yeah, thanks for censoring me Jojo.

Yeah last year was alright, Same as most the others. New years was alright, I just got really krunk and at one point things got to much for me so I had to go outside and stand outside a shop for half an hour and eat a Lion bar.

Since new year my dickish behaviour is sloping between "Jacks being well behaved" to "Seriously, why are we friends with Jack?", So I figure I'm either a super villain or on the verge of an emotional breakdown. But you know, don't be a bender.

This year started bad, We lost Peter Postlewaithe who was awesome, and last night I heard some news that alarmed me. Just before I powered down the laptop to do my go to sleep ritual (Scream myself to sleep) I read that Charlie Sheen was rushed to hospital shortly after being delivered a briefcase of cocaine. God that guy's badass.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep last night. I worry about Charlie Sheen, He's to awesome for his own body. But then I got to thinking about it, would I do much better? Charlie Sheen is the highest paid television actor going, My friend told me he earns like 2 million dollars an episode. Who wouldn't see an arse load of prostitutes and do barrels of drugs when all they have to do in the morning is roll out of their bed/women/drug/all 3 pile and make shitty comedy?

The only difference between Corey Haim and Charlie Sheen is a career and depending on the next few hours, Life.

This post may sound negative but it's really not, I fucking love Charlie Sheen. Genuinely, not in an ironic "I love Chuck Norris" way. I think he's a great to watch and an all round badass. Ever seen Hot Shots? That's my shit.

I just want him to stop making 2 and a half men and get back to movies, for the love of god Charlie, I know 2 million is alot for an episode, but when you're doing movies again, You won't even have to pay for the prostitutes and drugs. Just work with Oliver Stone again, I'm sure he has a car that follows him round with loose women and drugs for his actors.

So, I want everyone before they go to sleep, to pray for Charlie Sheen. Whether you pray to God, Allah, Xenu or (Like me) Superman. He'll pull through, and when he does, I got an idea for a hilarious buddy comedy alongside Mel Gibson with Lindsay Lohan for the female lead (I smell an Oscar)

Calling all Vets, Doctors, Scientists, the Japanese and Anne Rice

2010-11-17T00:39:00.000Z

Due to my unemployment I've been wondering a few things, I've come to a few conclusions of my own which I'd like to share but I have a few that I need answers for, so great minds of the world unite, and read my blog.

1. If squids have 2 hearts, do they love Phil Collins twice as much?

I know 2 things in life, Phil Collins 'No Jacket required' is the most heartfelt beautiful album of all time. Secondly squids have 2 goddamn hearts. now by my logic, this means squids should fucking love Phil Collins (And Seal), now, I don't know any Squids personally, so any marine biologists reading, hit me up

Verdict: Undecided

2. Can vampires get erections?

Some bleed, some don't, now as far as I know, you need blood to maintain an erection, but I don't know if their blood runs or whatever, they're sometimes known as the living dead or the undead. however, I feel I've answered this question.

This is David, David was a vampire from the cult film 'The lost boys'. David was all about drinking, partying, fighting, riding his motorcycle really fast and taking you ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE.

This is Edward from the vampire love story Twilight, He's caring, compassionate, drives an extremely safe Volvo (With a seatbelt) and still goes to school.

Here's my theory, After years spent of not being able to get any action due to his 'undead condition' Edward has broadened his mind, reading poetry and books, playing the piano, general arty shit. Wheras David has not stopped partying, he doesn't need books or art to satisfy his needs. Look at the picture above. He gets ALL the action he needs.

So, verdict.

Sensitive vampires (True Blood, Twilight, Vampire diaries): No

Badass vampires (David, Lestat, Blade) Yes

3. Do the Japanese think the rest of the world is weird?

The Japanese indulge in every fantasy with pride

EVERY fantasy

Now the Japanese are public about their weird fetish's, should we look down on them with disgust or honour these brave pioneers? So my question is do they look at us as weirdos because we don't indulge in super hot face tying fetishes publicly? Will the future be like Japan where buying octopus porn can be bought without the off licence owner looking down at you?

Help me out here the wonderful Japanese public.

Verdict: Undecided

4. Do vets look down on Doctors because they only focus on one species?

I have no input on this one, help me out guys.

Verdict: Undecided

Well readers, I'd appreciate your input, drop me a line or leave a comment for answers.

Stay Gold.

Not economically viable.

2010-08-21T16:46:00.000+01:00

So, I lost my job, which is rubbish, because I really enjoyed it. I've had a fair few jobs in my time (I think I was up to about 13 last time I counted) and out of them I've only ever enjoyed 2. A friend once compared me to Chinanski in Factotum, But that doesn't bother me because he's awesome.

So I thought in this blog I'd take you through some of my previous jobs.

Sportsworld (2005ish)

I was 16, handsome, just dropped out of college and needed money to fund my smoking habit. this was my first real job, and I had a laugh. I worked in the Golf section (A golf section in colliers wood...I didn't have to many customers). I used to sleep in the storeroom and practice putting all day. Occasionally a fried chicken eating contest would come up.

Silverscreen (late 2005ish)

One of the best jobs I ever had, It was a dvd shop in wimbledon. I was the youngest employee ever hired (At 17) and I wasn't allowed to work on the till because they sold 18's. So my job was to stand around all day and shoot the shit with customers about film, everyone got dvds for Christmas that year..

Green tree cafe (Sometime in 2006)

Ha, this was funny, I was at the job for 2 hours when the chef came in, turned out the chef was this guy who was my arch enemy (Seriously, fucking nemesis) and I had to quit. 2 hours.

King Bill (Sometime in 2007)

I got to work in a pub next to my college, I got to work with my best friend. This was when me a Clint invented DEFENCE!, It's where you take it in turns to shout DEFENCE! loudly and kick the other in the leg, if they dodge it, it's their turn. You're allowed to kick/be kicked anytime. such as holding plates, pouring drinks etc. fun times.

Kiss me Hardys (2008ish)

Me and Clint working together again, defence being bought to a bigger place with more staff. One time this crazy chef held my hand on the hotplate, he was huge and I'm pretty sure he was in the Israeli army or something so, I wasn't about to fight back. It was kinda funny too.

The Hospital (Last 2-3 years on and off)

Lots of free time, got to pretend I was a doctor sometimes, worked with people I can consider some of my best friends. Fuck I miss the hospital.

Well those were some of the best, considering my new powers over gay men I may get a job as Tom Cruise's assistant or something, I haven't decided yet.

Stay Gold.

Women actually get away with this?

2010-06-19T23:26:00.000+01:00

OK, so, on a Friday after work it's the same thing, Greggs (2 sausage rolls), Primark (Socks etc), and CEX for games. So, as usual Get my sausage rolls and head into Primark and get my gear, as I'm queuing one of the check out people was taking his title a little seriously and was checking out the main man if you catch my drift.

So, My turn comes and he's bagging up my boxers and stuff and things felt a little awkward, so being the people person I am, I decide to make a little bit of conversation. I look at his name tag and it's fucked, his name was like Kgilar or something, and I'm like, "Interesting name, how's it pronounced?" and he blushes a little and tells me then taps something into the till and says "I gave you a nice little discount on these" And I'm like thanks, But I know he be picturing me in those briefs I was buying. So I leave, having learnt my lessons:

1. The homosexual community god damn love me

2. I'm a god damn whore.

I felt cheap and dirty, Like I'd used my gentleman magnet powers for evil, It's happened before, I was in this pub in Brighton and the barman kept giving me doubles for singles prices, But not just because he was in a good mood or whatever, No one else got doubles.

I'm just an attractive man to the...let's say more fabulous community. I don't think I'm gonna exploit these powers anymore, It's not fair leading people on and getting discounts on things which are cheap anyway. So yeah, that's the skinny, I'm a whore.

Works going well, we're thinking about shooting a calendar, so advanced warning, Everyone's getting a "Hunks of St. Georges" calendar for Christmas...god damn, so yet again, I'm using my body for personal gain. I'm out of control...

Stay Gold.

Regrets I'll never regret.

2010-05-13T21:02:00.000+01:00

"My only regret, is that I don't have more regrets"

I read this quote while I was sitting on my toilet a few years ago, and it's always stuck with me, I can't remember who wrote it, It was a comedian or talk show host, the book was quotes about getting old. Anyway, I was thinking about stuff that I should regret, this was all spurned on by my friend Liam's blog which is rather wordy and good (http://powdersthoughts.blogspot.com/). So, I'm gonna list a few things which from an outside perspective would look rather silly, but also list reasons on why they're good or whatever, I'm an optimist innit.

Quitting Acting.

If you're reading this and you know me you'll know I'm fabulous, If you don't know me, Trust me. I have a certain flair for drama, So, naturally, after the lack of direction when I finished High School, I went to Kingston College (Represent) to study Drama and that. I dropped out half way through, It wasn't for me. I learnt some amazing stuff and met a few of my bestest friends in the whole world, Instead of spending time going to class I was busy discovering Korean cinema and whiskey. I felt that college was confining me from all these new experiences and fun. I didn't realize this was a regret until later in life, I think the real reason I quit acting though was because I didn't truly madly deeply want to do it. I love acting, I do, but I didn't want to learn it I guess.

Enrolling in car fixing.

So, I was with a friend when he went to apply for college as an electrician, and I decided I wasn't doing anything that year so I applied for Auto something engineering (fixing cars basically). Now, I should note I have absolutely no interest in cars, I joined the course because it was something to do and I felt I should geezer myself up a bit after being a luvvie at college. Again I met one of my best friends at Carlshalton college, I spend most of my time with him, we've laughed and cried together. I'll never remember the advice one of my lecturers gave me, he told me if my hearts not in it don't do it, Not in a mean way, But he notices how happy I was about my job (At a DVD shop) and how miserable I was about college. He could see I just cared about film and the arts, Not cars and grease. Which lead to me following what I've noticed I have a lazy passion for, Writing.

Smoking, (which, is awesome by the way)

Alot of people regret smoking (pussies), I don't know why, people don't force you to smoke. Teachers and Parents let you think that if you have one drag of a cigarette you'll be addicted for life and die at 28. It took me a few cigarettes to get me addicted to smoking, say about, 3. That's like 18 minutes of smoking that got me addicted, which no one forced me to do. And people blame the tobacco companies, Disgusting. I've shared some of the best times of my life smoking with my friends and on my own, Drunken discussions about shit while out for a smoke with friends. Smoking brought us all close together.

Quitting so many jobs.

I'm young. You're young. If you're not happy with something, don't do it. I've quit jobs for many reasons, mostly because I couldn't hang out with my pals and myself. Don't worry about commitments, you're young, have fun.

That's a few anyway, I guess It's kinda character building or something. Did you notice a theme there? They all involved friends, I have no regrets because of my friends. See that shit, I'm like the M. Night Shyamalan of blogging, throwing in twists and stuff. Anyway, yeah, so, you'd have no stories if you didn't regret anything, So stop being so damn careful.

Stay Gold.

Jack Sparling, Going political.

2010-05-01T15:19:00.000+01:00

“I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years pfff doesn't mean a fucking thing. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around – they say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain', but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with.”

- George Carlin

George Carlin was one of my favourite comedians, The above quote was his view on voting (Obviously).

Now people have been asking me recently who I'm gonna vote for: The human jowel, Captain sleeves rolled up or the one no one takes seriously, and to be honest, I don't bother voting, when people ask me why, I pretend its a big political statement and begin quoting the late great Mr Carlin but really its because I can't be bothered. At all.

I'm not gonna get out of my bed and walk all the way to the polling office (Which is further than Morrisons) so I can vote for someone who's policies I didn't take notice to, who's probably gonna do something which will affect the amount of money I make or make pissing against a tree illegal.

When I told my nan this she went into a terrifying tirade into why the youth today don't take anything seriously and why I should vote, Eventually the rant went onto Rupert Murdoch and womens rights so I was off the hook, she's a strange lady. But I've always wondered why people take politics so seriously. Nothing changes, The old still die, how much money you make will keep going up and down, the masses will still claim money and costumed vigilantism is still illegal. Plus my one vote's not gonna make a difference, Yeah, I know "If everyone thought like that no one would vote", But Most people are to self important to not vote, So I can think like that.

Anyway.

So recently I've started working at the good NHS again, This time in the form of a Receipt and Distribution clerk. Which is great, I get to work with my friends and mess around the hospital for the 3rd time. The only thing bugging me is my pay situation, just before I started the job the bank closed my account (Id make a joke about bankers or something if I actually understood the recession), So the agency is paying me in cheque. Problem is I can't open a new account because I don't have any formal photo ID. So I can't cash or pay in my cheques, so I can't afford to get a new drivers license, so I can open my account, so I can pay in my cheques, so I can afford things like drivers licenses. It's a brutal cycle.

Oh, and speaking of brutal cycle's, Thanks to the ARSEHOLE in the van who knocked me of my bike last week, I was really craving for pavement so thanks for getting my face to the ground quicker. This is why I don't cycle in the road, It's full of cars. I should mention I'm not a cyclist, like at all, I just happen to cycle to work. I actually can't stand cyclists, I was laughing at this mental woman on a bike the other day who was hitting a car with her handbag because he was driving to close to her or something. It's the road! It's FOR cars! That's the beauty of cycling, you can go on the pavement when it suits you.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me recently. Hope you enjoyed.

Stay Gold.

You may be surprised by my views on Valentines Day.

2010-02-14T00:37:00.000Z

People look at me and think, ''hey, He's tubby, lonely, sad, wonder if Valentines Day will finally throw him off the edge''. Well, most other holidays, you may be right, I get drunk on my own and cry into a large kebab, but not on Valentines day, no sir.

Now, Most people like myself (single) complain about Valentines Day being a commercial holiday for saps, but would they be complaining when they were performing a reversed cupid (Ask your older brother) with a loved one? No, they wouldn't, these people pretend they're not bitter and comment when they're with friends about the ''Idiots wasting money'', but really they want what the canoodling lovers want. Plus they probably spend more money of Warcraft upgrades and socks then a guy does buying his girl a dozen roses.

There are of course exceptions, like one of my friends who I'm pretty sure is trying to bang their way through the opposite sex in case there's some sort of rapture. This person just See's Valentines day as another day because they're not lonely in any way. Good for them.

And let's look at Valentines Day for a second...

(I return from my half arsed 'research' on Wikipedia)

OK I didn't do any research I just spent 20 minutes on Lolcats, but from what I know people call it a Hallmark Holiday because the card companies make a big fuss about buying your significant other a card which they'll profit from. And I ask myself, So?

If a conglomerate (Thank you word a day calendar) of companies can encourage people to express their love or happiness in ostentatious ways then why not? It's reported over 1 billion people send/receive valentines day cards every year, and sure the companies make a profit but think about all the people who are made happy because of it, at the end of the day isn't that more important? And from what I've learnt on newsround, spending money is good because something to do with the recession and people losing jobs, I don't know, I only watch Newsround because I can't find the remote after Arthur.

Maybe I'm soppy but I don't see any problem with that, and sure there'll be no red envelopes addressed to me but when I think of all the people being made happy when they receive theirs it don't bother me, y'know, People, Love, all that shit, it makes my heart grow 5 times bigger.

I nearly cried on the tube the other day because I saw a deaf couple holding hands and signing with the other to each other, it was really sweet, like they were in a little world of their own and they had each other. I mean, they both probably would like the hear rather then make a fat man well up but y'know, Them's the breaks.

Anyway, Those are my views on Valentines day.

And don't worry, this hasn't become a motivational blog, I'll be complaining about the next public holiday, I'm pretty sure an Easter bunny molested me when I was little so y'know, Good rant coming up.

Happy Valentines day.

Stay Gold.

Things I should be and why I'd be awesome at them no matter what Saeed says.

2009-02-10T02:01:00.000Z

Every week I have a new ambition, Every week my new ambition gets shot down by Saeed. Usually because "You don't know how to fly a plane" or "You couldn't even stick college let alone live on an ocean liner". Anyway, I think I'd be awesome at certain jobs and here's why:

Ice Road Trucker

Now despite the fact I can't drive, have no idea how trucks work, am terrible on ice and have a terrible sense of direction., I would be awesome at this job, why you may ask? The attitude friends, I got the Ice Road Trucker attitude, I'm daring, can sit down for a long time and can do CB Radio talk. Also, I'm used to eating things from packets exclusivly, my body was built for being an Ice Road Trucker, fat enough to stay warm and short enough to fit comfortably in the cab.

Private Investigator

Saeed has a few reasons for why I shouldn't do this, Mainly that I'm very clumsy, I stumble and fall pretty much everywhere I go. I can't go 5 minutes without smoking and coughing and I can't drive. However I think I'd be awesome for these reasons: I own a Trenchcoat, Due to all my years of reading Batman I have keen detective skills, I look great in a fedora and I call women dames, broads and skirts.

Prime Minister

Granted I have no idea I have no idea how politics work but I would fucking rock as PM. Wearing suits all the time, always having a big chair to sit in, ordering people about and prank calling Ken Livingstone with Boris Johnson. Apparantly there's actually some work involved and you have to be voted in or smething which means people will have to like me first, that's...to much effort.

Adventurer

I've seen all the Indiana Jones films, Look great in a half buttoned shirt and have experience fighting Nazi's and Museum curators. Saeed don't think I could do this because I get sleepy in hot weather and sleep until 4PM. He's totally wrong though right? I got mean stubble.

I'm gonna figure out how to do polls, then I'll be back.

Stay Gold.

Metal Gear Solid: The Musical Part 2

2009-01-27T01:11:00.000Z

OK, here's the scene, Snake just met Revolver Ocelot, a spaghetti western obsessed, Single Action Army toting, sadistic psychopath. Upon meeting our hero he's overjoyed he'll be able to have a good gun fight.

Revolver Ocelot: Right. Touch that wire and the C4 will blow up along with the old man!

*SUNG*

Revolver Ocelot: So you're the one the Boss keeps talking about.

Solid Snake: Really I'm flattered, without a doubt

RO: Let's see if you live up to your name

SS: If I couldn't I wouldn't of came.
Put the gun down you're a disgrace,

RO: Say that with a bullet to the face.
This is the greatest handgun ever made,

SS: It looks like it could use an upgrade.

RO: Six bullets Snake, more than enough to kill you.
SS: Take aim old man, let's see what you can do.

They begin a gunfight.

RO: I love to reload during a battle
SS: Try and shoot me don't dilly daddle

RO: I've got you now, the old man will die
SS: Is that a...Red eye?

*Enter Cyborg Ninja who promptly cut of Revolver Ocelot's hand*

SS: Who are you?

*Sung in an operatic style*

CN: I'm like you I have no naaaaaaaaaaame, Gyaaaaaaaaa!

*The Cyborg Ninja begins to malfunction and jumps away*

That's all for now, coming up: A DARPA chief rap and a Psycho Mantis Death Metal number.

Metal Gear Solid: The Musical

2009-01-06T17:44:00.000Z

A few weeks ago my friend Saeed posted a synopsis for a Large Hadron Collider movie. So I thought instead of a normal blog I could show of some creative flair.

In a drunken state a while ago I came up with the concept of Metal Gear Solid: The musical. That night I churned out a verse like it was a well known drinking song. I can't remember the exact lyrics today but they were along the lines of this.

Allow me to set the scene: Our hero Snake and his female ally Meryl have just made it to a long corridor, upon reaching the end they'll get to their destination, they'll be able to destroy the dreaded walking tank 'Metal Gear', All of a sudden out of nowhere Meryl is shot, as it turns out, one of the best snipers in the world is at the other end of the Corridor, Snake need a Sniper rifle, so he calls his contact Otacon.

RING RING. RING RING.

OTACON: Snake?

(This part is sung)

SNAKE: Meryl's been shot, I need a new gun.

OTACON: I think I remember seeing a PSG1.

SNAKE: That'll be perfect, It'll save the day.

OTACON: You're not gonna like what I have to say.

SNAKE: She's dying here, Hurry spit it out.

OTACON: You'll be angry, without a doubt.

SNAKE: I'm angry now, where is it just say!

OTACON: It's back in (Pause) Warehouse A...

That's all I can do for now, I hope that wet your appetite, more shall follow at some point.

Subbuteo

2008-11-17T13:00:00.001Z

The other day while having a heated discussion with my Mum told me that working in pubs isn't apparently good enough and I should get a 'mans job'. She gives me alot of hassle my mum, I don't know why, I'm pretty sure out of her 4 children I'm the most productive. Anyway, so when I asked her the definition of a 'mans job' she said 5 days a week, 9 to 5 in a factory or something.

She then asked me what my goal was, Pfft, I don't have any goals, as far as I'm concerned as long as I got something to smoke, a place to rest my eyes and a floor to dance on i'm happy. But apparently I should have goals like on the back of a school report.

When I left the house I started thinking about what she said, maybe I should have goals, when I was young I wanted to be an actor, It wasn't an ambition but it was something I'd like to of done. I kinda grew out of that, but still like acting when someone has a film to make or something. In the last year or so I realized I enjoy writing, REALLY enjoy it, but the chances of making a career out of it are slim to nothing, it's still nice to do though.

The last 2 years I've worked in pubs, I used to enjoy it, working at night, getting drinks bought for me etc. But it's kinda a drag, most people who've worked in pubs will tell you its the one of the most thankless jobs you can do. Then there's the hours, at a time when working at night was appealing because I had prior day engagements such as college or sleeping, working nights is just a fucking hassle, you don't leave till the arse hours of the night, night buses are shit, drunk people shout at you and it's to late to cook anything when you get home.

Getting a 9 to 5 seems pretty appealing to be honest. I dunno doing what, Probably not an office, sitting in an office for 8 hours in front of a screen not being able to check Facebook isn't really suited for me, plus I don't understand excel and my PowerPoint skills are only sub-par.

I think my mum mighta been right, I think a factory would suit me, I'm not really fussy what kind so long as the wage is decent and I get smoke breaks, plus earning full time wage might have it's advantages, I'd be able to move out! Then she can't be right about me having goals or anything.

Of course, I'm not going to tell her she was right, what kind of irresponsible son would I be?

Stay gold.

Halloween

2008-11-06T03:43:00.000Z

Anyone that knows me knows I love Halloween, I think it's because I get to dress up like a superhero and get really drunk with a reason. This year the venue was supposed to be Shunt, a club in the old London Bridge tunnel system. so we suited up, I was dressed as Hellboy (Which was rather impressive I might add) and we jumped on the tube.

When we got to London Bridge the queue for Shunt was fucking massive. So we joined the back of the line and waited, the queue was so big a bouncer was coming through the crowd picking out people not dressed up enough (HA, I was dressed far to awesome). Eventually we were told we wouldn't be getting in due to it being fucking packed.

After standing round the station for half an hour or so we decided to make a move, now, the original line up was me, Saeed, Sam, Matt and Joel. Dressed as Hellboy, A Warrior, Saeed, Dr. Horrible and Dracula respectively. Matt and Joel told us of a party we could head too but we didn't wanna go to a house party, so they went.

Don't get me wrong, as far as bro's go, we're inseparable. But we were just hedging our bets, So Matt and Joel went to the party and we arranged to meet up if something really cool happens.

Then there were 3.

We met up with 2 of Saeeds lady's friends (I feel bad I can't remember their names now, Hang on, they won't read this so, fuck it) and decided to go to the bar near Saeed's house. We got there and it was relatively quiet so we found ourselves a spot for the night and chilled.

After...several Scotch and cokes later I realized a few things,

1. The black community love me (Or, maybe Hellboy)
2. Saying daddy's home to women isn't an effective pick up line (But it's funny)
3. Covering my hand in red face paint and going for a piss straight after may not of been wise, but made my costume that much more Realistic.
4. Accusing your friends of replacing much loved Scotch with Diet Coke will not get them to buy you more Scotch, even if you think they did.

It was a pretty awesome night, on the way back we went to some place that do Kebab things, which, I essentially turned into a chicken Sandwich. The worst thing in the world though, is showering when you're a wee bit drunk, it's like an instant fucking hangover I wouldn't recommend it.

Well readers, that's enough of an insight into my life for now, I#m gonna go watch Ghost.

Stay Gold.

Jack Sparling: Road Warrior.

2008-09-17T18:36:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I had an experience which will stay with me forever. I was a White Van man for the day, I was helping my friend Dave with his delivery load. Which means I got to shout such things as "Choose a fucking lane!" and "Fucking honk your horn again you cunt!"

It was brilliant, did you know North of North London there's little village towns? Well, I was amazed anyway.

It was pretty easy, Dave did all the driving and I just got out and brought boxes to restaurants, and blagged free cokes. It was nice though, I wouldn't mind doing it as a job, I think I'm gonna start learning to drive soon and be some sort of courier or delivery person for a while and see how I like it, then marry Leah Remini.

I've wanted a 9 to 5 for a while now, no more pubs for me, the main problem is finding a job I enjoy, I've had a lot of jobs, well about 8 to be specific, but out of all of them I only ever enjoyed 1 of them, which was in a DVD shop. I didn't do much I just stood around on the shop floor and told people what to buy.

The quest goes on,

I realize this post is a bit lazily written and not very good so...

Hear about that bloke in the Paralympics who got disqualified?

He was using WD40.

Sleep is not a friend of mine.

2008-09-08T05:14:00.000+01:00

God, I have such problems sleeping, Now, I can nap like a motherfucker, but sleep is different, and for those who don't know the difference here's a quick guide.

Naps don't take place in a bed, they take place on a sofa or comfy chair for example.
Naps last 4 hours max, otherwise it's sleep, unless you're on a plane.
Napping with a guy is perfectly acceptable.
Powernaps must not take place anywhere but an office

So yeah, sleep, I never really got on with it, I can't sleep properly, I must of missed a jab at school or something. You see when I wanna sleep because say, I got something to do the next day, I can't. Not because I have something to do and I'm nervous, I think it's just my body wants revenge on all the manwiches and cigarettes.

And when I eventually drift off? No good, I'm awake an hour or two later because of what are called night terrors, Laugh away but put yourself in my shoes, Think if you will on your worst nightmare, it's like that on a shit load of acid.

Not sleeping does have its advantages though, and I've learnt alot about myself from it, I learnt that I love watching baseball. Also my room gets tidy, my washing get's done and my dog gets played with (Not an innuendo). I'm not an insomniac though, like every 3rd blogger claims to be, I do get to sleep but just a irrelevant times. say, I got to sleep at 7:30AM. at 8:15 you know my dad's coming through that door because he has to much time on his hands. So I'm awake all day, maybe take a nap around 4, which means I'll be up all night. Once or twice a week though a thing of beauty happens, I have a "Catch up sleep", where basically, I sleep most of the day, great isn't it.

And another thing, I miss being able to take naps without getting the shit kicked outta you verbally, I used to come home from school, kick of my shoes put Mona the Vampire on and nap for about 3 hours, I do that now and my mum comes in the room and gives me shit about doing nothing with myself blah blah blah, I was doing something with myself... having a nap.

In other news my birthday was awesome, I gotta give it to my bro's and Ho's they know how to treat me, They gave me a suprise birthday party two weeks beforehand, which was great and had never happened before. Then on the actual day (That's the 30th of August yall, mark your calendars) we went out and was generally awesome.

Well that's all for now.

Good night and good luck.

Awesome stuff happening.

2008-08-09T13:28:00.000+01:00

Part 1, Filming.

I can't talk to much about what we're filming, but it's awesome. I can say it's called 'Jak in the Box' and it's gonna be awesome, While filming I had to make a rather large Sandwich, or as I like to call it, The Manwich.

Part 2, The Manwich.

The Manwich was amazing, I cooked 3 burgers, then I sliced them. I then toasted 4 clices of bread and microwaved some beans. I stacked it like so:

Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast
Burger
Beans
Toast

I didn't wanna make this but it was for the film, But that doesn't stop it from being hella balls-to-the-wall tasty.

Part 3. Drinking with Clint.

Yesterday I was suited up and looking REAL sharp, Black Suit, White Shirt, Black slim tie. When Clint say's you look good, you look good, Clint hates to compliment anyone. So we were bored and Clint wanted to head to a bar, So we headed to Wimbledon looking sharp. It was a good night, there was drink's, flirting and Burger King.

Part 4. Antics at Clint's.

We headed back to Clint's and his parents were home from having a bit of a session themselves. James insisted that we do Break Break Dancing. Now Break Break Dancing (Or BBD) involves putting your shoes on the wrong feet and a boxing glove on the wrong hand. Oh, did I mention that you have to break dance while you hit eachother? So the night went on and Clint was Fighting his 11 year old brother when he broke his wrist again. He won't live that one down in a while.

Clint went to the hospital this morning and he's gonna need a cast (Again).

So that was some stuff that happened recently. Hope you enjoyed, I know I did.

P.S. Pictures of the Manwich will be along soon.

Job Hunting

2008-07-19T08:24:00.000+01:00

Job hunting is easily one of the most tedious things you have to do. You put on some nice smart/casual clothes and dredge around shopping centres with your bag of CV's looking for a job you won't hate as much as your last one. The thing is I have no particular skills either, yeah I can pull a pint but anyone could after watching someone else do it, doesn't matter, I've had enough of pubs anyway, stealing drinks isn't worth constantly pissed of managers getting angry at you because there's no customers.

And you hand in a CV to anywhere that looks like a doddle like Natural World. then there's places you actually wanna work, like HMV or Game where you imagine it would be like High Fidelity but they never call back. Or you go to a cinema and talk to the actual manager and hand your CV in person and you thought they would give you a job because you made them laugh. So you go home and the next day you get a phone call...

"Hello is that Jack Sparling?"
"Err, Yes" (Please don't be Debt Collectors, please don't be debt collectors. wait could this be UCI?)
"Hi this is John the manager from stationary world..."

Stationary world? which in my opinion would probably be worse than pouring a bottle of Tressemae into your eyes.

You always get a call from the place where you handed in a CV for the sake of it, and I'm so polite I can't refuse an interview for it, so I just don't go to the interview, in the long run I just end up feeling guilty everytime I buy a pen.

What I do with my days.

2008-07-14T21:55:00.000+01:00

Here's a standard day for me.

1pm-3pm: Wake up, makes myself breakfast, which usually includes either

Beans on toast towered
Warm cornflakes
Bacon sarnie
Caff fry up
Peanut butter on toast

Then I sit in my chair in my dressing gown watching the Dave channel eating and smoking to much. I usually get a call round this time by GL telling me I should come over because he's bored.

3pm-4pm: I hop in the bath to clean myself and sing choruses to songs I don't remember the verses too.

4pm-1am: I pretty much hang out with GL all evening, we watch Dave while ignoring eachother because we have nothing new to talk about. We sometimes play Smash Bros. but really it's just us trying to rekindle a friendship way past it's sell by date. But it's nice for us to have company.

1am-5am I go home and cook something not good for me such as a plateful of chips, a pack of turkey drummers and a can of beans. I then sit down and watch The Black Donnellys, Father Ted and Curb your enthusiasm (depending on the day).

Then I'll flick on the Playstation and play Harvest moon, tending to my farm and family and play that until I hear either the birds tweeting or see the sun start to rise.

I then go to bed listening to either Tony Hancock, Akira the Don, Blonde from Fargo, Johnny Cash or Blues Brother Soul Sister.

Well I hope that was a useful insight.

Good night and good luck.

Summer,

2008-07-01T20:51:00.001+01:00

I'm not a fan to be honest. It's too hot to wear a coat, I'm to fat to wear a T-shirt and I just sit around sweating all day. I've got nothing to do except sit around sweating and drinking Fanta. It has been a good summer for video games however. But they're all too short. which means I have nothing to do apart from sit around sweating waiting for the Dark Knight to come out.

I need a new job, so far my best idea has been supervillain, But I only have a small criminal record and no superheroes to battle with. I don't wanna go on the doll, Mitcham Blockbusters has closed down and apparantly you cant get money for giving blood.I wanna move out but I need a decent job before doing so, then no one will have my adress (Huzzah!).

It's been a dissapointment all round to be honest.

Bro-less

2008-06-16T17:45:00.000+01:00

It would appear that my Bro's have abandoned me.

Now you may ask why would someone as awesome as me be abandoned by his fellow bro's?
Well, I'll indulge you, It's all over the greatest gaming revolution of our time, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

My bro's and I love Metal Gear, However it would be the thing to tear us apart. Why you may ask? Jealousy.

I was lucky enough to be able to play (And complete I might add) the game. My bro's, angry that I've become part of a revolution before them.

And I thought Bromanship was about more than games.

The fortress of Awesometude.

2008-06-10T01:02:00.000+01:00

My room, is awesome.

There's no denying it, the poster of Army of Darkness, my giant stack of videos, the strategically placed ashtrays. It's a palace.

Unfortunatly, once in a while, palace's get breached.

My room being downstairs means it's next to the Kitchen and Garden, Which means anything that goes into "Temporary storage" or washing baskets ends up in my room. this bugs me. Currently in my room are a dishwasher, a freezer, a tumbledryer (All of which we don't use) and a bunch of washing baskets full of clothes which aren't mine (My suits are hand washed)

I'm getting fucking sick and tired of this, I also have to put up with my sisters hassleing me all the time about shit, They wonder why I spend so much time away from home. If I can go back and not to speak to anyone for the rest of the night I may go to sleep relatively hate free.

A dog named Barney.

2008-06-09T01:44:00.000+01:00

Let me first explain that suits equal awesome. Suits plus Jack & Coke equals Awesomechronicles material.

Me and a few bro's had arranged to go to a Gallery/Venue/Bar/Club in the old underground system of London Bridge.

To make this post interesting I'm going to write it in chapters.

Chapter 1.
Preperation.

One of my Bro's clint came with me to help color co-ordinate my suit buying decisions. We shoot the shit, buy some clothes, I buy some comics and we head back. I suit up.

Chapter 2.
Journey.

Suited up, Smelling as sharp as I look, and a skip in my step I leave the pad and head to the tube station, Halfway through my tube journey one of my Bro's who I presumed would be meeting me there got on my carriage.

Chapter 3.
Dissapointment

I was stunned to see my Bro M get on the tube without a Suit.

This chapter things getting really boring.

Upon arrival me and M went through a small door near the tube station, after paying £10 we found ourselves walking through a long, dark corridor/Archway. Thinking my daydreams had come true I was prepared for a Zombie atack (this didn't happen).

After meeting up with my other Bro's we decided to hit the bar, And me and S hit the bar a wee bit harder than M, It all got a little blurry from there.

(Awesome) Things I remember:

Being told I'm not allowed to hang with my Bro's until I got myself a chair, and (for some reason) following these orders.

Petting a stuffed toy dog named Barney.

Losing a girl.

Harrasing women by going up to them and saying "Ladies, Daddy's home"

Explaining the plot of Enemy Mine to S who didn't believe it was a real film.

Awesome rating 8/10.

I could of been arrested this morning.

2008-06-04T12:29:00.000+01:00

A few months back I got in trouble with the law, It's no major all I did was skip some train fines.

My sister just called me and told me a man came round to arrest me, luckily due to my evasion skills and partially due to my laziness I wasn't at home. I have a £116 fine to pay. I'm just worried if I pay it and the arrest warrant clears I'll lose street cred. Then I started wondering if the man who went to my house was a bounty hunter.

I want to be a bounty hunter...

My blog outline

2008-06-03T21:00:00.000+01:00

This is my blog, it's awesome.

Basically, my blog is going to either be about stuff that's happened to me, or stuff I find funny or want to rant about.

Today I was locked out of my friends house where I was staying for the day. I had one task for the day: go to the shop and buy some filters, that's it, easy. My instructions were simple take the money and keys, go to the shop and return. Long story short due to a distracting phone call I locked myself out, this was 2 O'Clock, My pal Saeed doesn't finish work until half 5. not knowing what to do I went to the pub for a lonely pint, mainly because I wanted to be warm and sheltered from the rain (Like a tramp).

That lasted all about 20 minutes so I left, and decided to walk to Putney. It's a few miles but I had nothing else to do. It was raining all day, and not the cool movie rain, the drizzley boring rain. When asked for some direction this posh bloke gave me a lift in his massive Land Rover, with the hopes he didn't want a 'favor' in return, Got to my friends work and people thought I was Eastern European apparently, which due to the awesomeness of Niko Bellic (If you don't know who that is buy GTA4 now) I don't consider a bad thing.

It was a pretty uneventful day, I spent most of it wondering whether to shave my head due to watching 'This Is England' last night.